Jason Schwartzman credited as playing...
Cousin Ben
- Cousin Ben: [walking briskly] Is this him?
- Sam: Field Mate Sam Shakusky, Troop 55, resigned.
- Cousin Ben: [dramatically] He's hot. Almost too hot. What's in the can?
- Redford: $76, but it's mostly in nickels.
- Cousin Ben: Give it to me.
- [to Sam]
- Cousin Ben: Your badge in seamanship?
- Sam: Yes, sir.
- Cousin Ben: Good. There's a cold water crabber moored off Broken Rock. The skipper owes me an IOU. We'll see if he can take you on as a claw cracker. It won't be an easy life, but it's better than shock therapy.
- Sam: Thank you, sir. By the way, where's the chapel tent?
- Cousin Ben: Back there, but the padre's home with the mumps. Why do you ask?
- Sam: I want to bring my wife.
- Cousin Ben: [stopping abruptly]
- Suzy: But we're not married yet.
- Cousin Ben: You his girl?
- Suzy: Yeah.
- Cousin Ben: Technically, I'm a civil law scrivener. I'm authorized to declare births, deaths, and marriages. You're kind of young. You got a license?
- Sam, Suzy: No.
- Cousin Ben: I can't offer you a legally binding union. It won't hold up in the state, the county, or frankly, any courtroom in the world, due to your age, lack of a license, and failure to get parental consent. But the ritual does carry a very important moral weight within yourselves. You can't enter into the contract lightly. Look into my eyes. Do you love each other?
- Suzy: Yes, we do.
- Cousin Ben: Think about what I'm saying. Are you sure you're ready for this?
- Suzy: Yes, we are.
- Cousin Ben: [to nobody in particular] They're not listening to me. Let me rephrase it.
- Suzy: We're in a hurry.
- Cousin Ben: Are you chewing gum? Spit out the gum, sister. In fact, everybody.
- [collecting up spit out gum]
- Cousin Ben: I don't like the snappy attitude. This is the most important decision you've made in your lives. Now go over by the trampoline and talk it through before you give me another quick answer...
- Cousin Ben: I don't care how they do it where you come from. You want pop? You want candy? You want a snake bite kit? Get some money.