30 Minutes or Less (2011) Poster

Aziz Ansari: Chet

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Quotes 

  • Chet : [gasp as Nick shows the bomb vest]  What the fuck? Is that thing real?

    Nick : Chet, if I don't get to the money in time. This thing gonna blow.

    Chet : [angry]  And your first thought was to come to a school, filled with young children

  • Chet : Okay, climb through the window.

    Nick : You climb through the window!

    Chet : No, I'm holding the bag.

    Nick : I'm holding the bomb!

  • Chet : [singing]  Painting our guns, painting our guns for the bank robbery, 'cause if we go in with our plastic guns then the cops will shoot us in our face...

  • Nick : [to Mr. Fisher]  Now, listen to me... We're obviously, uh, stealing the car! And you won't report it stolen until later tonight, let's say... 5 o'clock. Or 6, to be safe!

    Chet : 6:15!

    Nick : Yeah, right! 6:15.

    Chet : Don't even bother calling the cops! We own the cops!

  • Kate : Why did that engine explode?

    Nick : Remember that bomb I was telling you about? I kind of typed in the code, reactivated it and put in the back of that guy's van.

    Chet : What? That's some John McClane shit! Yes!

    Kate : How did you remember the code?

    Nick : [hesitates]  It doesn't matter. We are alive, and we are rich.

  • Chet : Okay, what if we saw off both of your arms, slip the vest over your head, than go to the hospital, they'll re-attach your arms. We'll just keep your arms on ice the whole time.

    Nick : Fuck that!

    Chet : I don't know what to do, man. All these sites have different shit. There's not a lot of consensus in the bomb disarming community. What did they do in the Hurt Locker?

  • Chet : Maybe I should just become a bank robber. I'm pretty good at it. Teachers don't make shit. Bank robbers make bank.

  • Chet : You wanna fuck my sister?

    Nick : I said your sister was sexually attractive.

    Chet : Uh, my twin sister? Which is basically like fucking me?

  • Nick : Remember graduation night?

    Chet : When you were nailing Tina Scotto?

    Nick : Actually, I was having the best night of my life with your sister.

  • [during the bank robbery, to a man sporting a handlebar moustache] 

    Chet : Quit lookin' at me, moustache!

  • Chet : [trying to pick out the right toy gun to buy and use in the robbery by practicing with it in the store]  EVERYBODY! GET DOWN ON THE GR...

    Nick : Shhh! Jesus!

    Chet : [more quietly]  Everybody! Get down on the ground NOW and go get us our money!

    Nick : Uh, how are they supposed to get the money when you just told them...

    Chet : Go get us our money and THEN everybody get down on the ground!

  • Rodney : [interrupting Chet's class, clearing his throat]  Nice laser.

    Chet : Yeah. It's a nice laser, Rodney. You know what's not nice? Texting in my class

    [takes Rodney's phone] 

    Chet : [reading Rodney's text, mockingly]  Hey, Steve. What time are we watching the UFC fight, bro? By the way, you think Lisa would go out with me?

    Chet : [the entire class laughs]  Woah! Lisa over there? No way, she's laughing at your face.

    Chet : [gives Rodney his phone back]  Don't text in my class anymore, ok?

See also

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