Steve Carell credited as playing...
Cal
- Cal: [Jacob is standing naked in the men's locker room, legs spread apart] Cal: Would you put on some clothes please?
- Jacob: Jacob: Oh, I'm sorry. Is this bothering you?
- Cal: Cal
- [annoyed]
- Cal: No! It's not!
- Jacob: Jacob: Cal, my schwantz is in your face for twenty minutes. If it's not bothering you, we've got a bigger problem.
- Cal: Cal: Okay. It bothers me.
- Jacob: Jacob: I don't care.
- Bernie Riley: Claire said I can't be friends with you anymore.
- Cal: What?
- Bernie Riley: She said we had to choose between you and Emily. I chose you. But she said no.
- Cal: Who told you that Emily and I are getting divorced?
- Cal's Boss: Amy heard you crying in the bathroom - we all thought it was cancer.
- Cal: Oh...
- Cal's Boss: Thank God, man... *laughing*
- Cal: Yeah, just my relationship...
- Cal: [Jacob is standing naked in the men's locker room, legs spread apart] Would you put on some clothes, please?
- Jacob: Oh, I'm sorry. Is this bothering you?
- Cal: [annoyed] No! It's not!
- Jacob: Cal, my schwantz is in your face for twenty minutes. If it's not bothering you, we've got a bigger problem.
- Cal: Okay. It bothers me.
- Jacob: I don't care.
- Cal: Okay. I'm having trouble understanding what's going on right now.
- Hannah: Dad, this is Jacob, my boyfriend.
- Cal: No, it's not.
- Hannah: I was bringing him over to meet Mom.
- Cal: No, no, no, no, no!
- Emily: I wanna see the boyfriend.
- Jacob: I can't breathe.
- Emily: Please, can I take this off now?
- Jacob: Cal, what are you doing with a daughter that's grown up?
- Cal: I was 17, that's why we had to get married so young.
- Jacob: That is something you should have told me.
- Cal: You never wanted me talk about my children!
- Molly: Um, I'm gonna go watch TV now.
- Cal: Yeah, that's fine honey, why don't go do that?
- Jacob: Yeah. Can I come?
- Molly: No.
- Hannah: So you guys, like, really know each other, then.
- Emily: Oh, screw it! This is ridiculous!
- [removes the blindfold; sees Jacob]
- Emily: Oh Honey, he's really cute.
- Cal: No, he's not.
- Jacob: Look at you. I don't believe it, sister.
- Cal: Let me get this straight. So you guys are a thing? You guys are a couple, right? You guys are together?
- Hannah: Yeah. Yes.
- Cal: No way. Break up right now.
- Hannah: Daddy?
- Jacob: Please don't call him that. Cal, that's not gonna happen.
- Cal: Then I will mess you up!
- Hannah: Dad!
- Emily: Cal!
- Jacob: Cal.
- Robbie: Jessica?
- Cal: Bernie?
- Cal: What's going on?
- Jacob: What are you doing here?
- Robbie: Hey, Nanna.
- Hannah: Hi, Robbie.
- Molly: Hey, Nanna.
- Hannah: Hi, cutie.
- Emily: Jacob, it's so nice to meet you. I've heard so many wonderful things about you from Nanna.
- Jacob: I'm sorry, what's a Nanna?
- Hannah: I'm a Nanna. You know, I couldn't say Hannah when I was little. How do you know my dad?
- Emily: She couldn't say her H's at all.
- Cal: I have children - plural. And my wife was cheating on me with David Lindhagen, which I wasn't supposed to tell you about either, but I did. Nice to meet you.
- Kate: What were you supposed to tell me?
- Cal: I don't know. I don't know. I was supposed to say that you are the perfect combination of sexy and cute, which is actually something that I used to say to my wife. But now it's become corrupted. And I have 18 layers of clothes on. I'm wearing a shirt and a tie, and a sweater, and a suede jacket that just seals in all the heat. Seals in all the juices. I'm just - it's all sweat under here. This is just sweat from here down. I'm - this - this sweater, this is called "slim cut", but it feels like a scuba suit. And I'm looking at your breasts. What's that about?
- Kate: You think I', the perfect combination of sexy and cute?
- Cal: That's what you picked up from what I just said?