Central Intelligence (2016)

Kevin Hart: Calvin Joyner

Photos 

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Quotes 

• [from end of movie bloopers] 

  Calvin Joyner : Are you not a super tool? You're not even Robbie Wheirdicht. You're Bob Stone!

  Bob Stone : Shh! I made that name up.

  Calvin Joyner : So what?

  Bob Stone : It's not real.

  Calvin Joyner : What does that mean? What, you think Mr. T, and Sting, and The Rock... You think those guys are real? That's a bunch of dumbass nicknames by a bunch of dumbass people.

• Calvin Joyner : Which car are we taking?

  Bob Stone : [chucks a grenade under an SUV]  Not that one.

  Calvin Joyner : [walking away quickly]  Oh, my God... Oh, God.

  [the grenade goes off] 

  Calvin Joyner : Oh shit!

• Maggie : Look, honey, I think that we should see someone.

  Calvin Joyner : What do, what do you mean, "Someone"? What do you mean?

  Maggie : See someone, like a, like a therapist.

  Calvin Joyner : Uh, Honey, black people don't go to therapy. We go to barbershops. That's where we talk out our problems. Or we watch the movie Barbershop. One or the other.

• [Calvin attempts a flip and falls flat on his face] 

  Phil : What the hell was that?

  Calvin Joyner : Golden Jet flip.

  Phil : Yeah? Well, you really suck at it.

  Calvin Joyner : I know.

  Phil : Then why'd you do it?

  Calvin Joyner : Distraction.

  [Bob shows up behind Phil and rips open his throat] 

• Calvin Joyner : He got a banana!

• Calvin Joyner : [gets handed iPad by a CIA agent]  Um, this is PornHub.

• Bob Stone : Wow, Jet! You look amazing!

  Calvin Joyner : You think?

  Bob Stone : Oh, what? Yes!

  Calvin Joyner : I just didn't know the kind of look to go for on my first day at the Agency.

  Bob Stone : You look like a black Will Smith, or something!

• Calvin Joyner : [seated between two angry CIA agents]  I'm-I'm gonna, I'm gonna address the elephant in the room. Okay, fir-first of all, you... You guys, I want to say sorry to. Because wha-wha-what you're probably thinking is not what happened. Accidents! I know you're like, "How can you accidentally pistol-whip somebody and shoot somebody?" Well, it can happen. Okay? Today is proof that it can happen. So... I'm glad I got to get that off my chest.

  Agent Pamela Harris : Relax, Mr. Joyner. I believe you.

  Calvin Joyner : Okay, thank you.

  Agent Pamela Harris : Trust me, I know a scared-shitless civilian when I see one.

• Calvin Joyner : Are you familiar with Facebook?

  Agent Pamela Harris : We surveil it.

  Calvin Joyner : He sent me a friend request. That, that, that's how this whole thing started.

  Agent Pamela Harris : And you accepted?

  Calvin Joyner : Oh, stop. Don't do that. Don't do that to me. Don't do that. You give me a second. Okay? Don't, don't, don't fire back like that. Fir-fir-first of all, fuck Mark Zuckerberg, all right? Now, I accepted because it was Facebook. And it's rude when you don't accept it and I don't know if the person on the other end can see me not accept it. That's why I accepted.

• Jared the Airport Security Guard : Sir, you cannot be in here. This is a private airfield.

  Calvin Joyner : I understand that but I have an organ in this cooler right now that needs to be transported ASAP.

  Jared the Airport Security Guard : Really? Because my sister-in-law had a heart transplant last year and they did not bring it in a Playmate lunch cooler.

  Calvin Joyner : Well, I hate to break it to you, but this, this is not a, uh... This is not a heart.

  Jared the Airport Security Guard : Oh, it's not a heart?

  Calvin Joyner : No, it's not.

  Jared the Airport Security Guard : Hmm. What is it then?

  Calvin Joyner : It's a dick.

  Jared the Airport Security Guard : Okay. I am made of questions right now.

• Calvin Joyner : Let's go.

  Bob Stone : Nah. We're not going anywhere, Jet. This whole thing will be over in a jiff.

  Thugged Out : Hey, how about this? Why don't you and your boyfriend apologize to Big Rick here and then go jerk each other off in the parking lot?

  Calvin Joyner : That's, that's a lot...

  Bob Stone : Yeah. You're right, CJ. That's a lot of homophobia coming out of a very angry man. You need to go get that looked at by a trained professional. But, since you have escalated this whole scenario by bringing what I can only assume is an unlicensed firearm into this public place, endangering the lives of all these innocent people, I can no longer, in good conscience, walk away and jerk anyone off in the parking lot.

• Bob Stone : No, you're just sexy as dick right now.

  Calvin Joyner : You don't look somebody in the eyes and say that.

• Trevor : Once a fat kid, always a fat kid. Huh? Prove me wrong.

  Calvin Joyner : Bob, come on. Do what you did in the bar.

  [Bob sees his reflection as he was in high school] 

• Calvin Joyner : Hey, wait. Whatever happened to that girl that you liked in high school? Oh, God, man. The Doogie Howser girl. She was, like, fourteen, but somehow she was a senior. She wore a cape.

  Bob Stone : Darla McGuckian.

  Calvin Joyner : Darla McGuckian. "Yucky Gucky." Didn't she have a lazy eye or something?

  Bob Stone : Two of 'em.

• Bob Stone : You ever steal a plane before?

  Calvin Joyner : I stole some Starbursts one time.

• Agent Pamela Harris : Mr. Joyner, it was a pleasure working with you. If you ever want a career change, you give me a call.

  Calvin Joyner : If I were to give you a call, how would I get in touch with you?

  Agent Pamela Harris : Just pick up any phone in your house. They're all bugged.

• Trevor : [about Bob]  Boy, he's still a scared little bitch.

  Calvin Joyner : You know, you're still an asshole.

  Trevor : Yeah, well, you're still shorter than my cat.

• [last lines] 

  Calvin Joyner : Bob, is that my jacket? I can't...

  Bob Stone : Yes!

  Calvin Joyner : No, wait a minute.

  Bob Stone : Yes!

  Calvin Joyner : Oh, my God! Dude, where'd you get this from?

  Bob Stone : Well, I sleep in it most nights, but it's clean now, totally good. Yeah!

  Calvin Joyner : Man! You are the man! Yes!

  Bob Stone : Family hug! What?

  Calvin Joyner : Ooh. Okay.

  Bob Stone : All right, let's go!

  Calvin Joyner : Okay. All right.

• Maggie : And what's the matter with being an accountant? You love your job.

  Calvin Joyner : No, *you* love your job. I'm good at my job. It's not the same thing.

• Waitress : Hey guys, my name is Lexi. Just let me know if you need anything.

  Calvin Joyner : Ok.

  Waitress : And I mean, like, anything at all.

  Bob Stone : Okie dokie.

  [Lexie laughs] 

  Waitress : You're funny! Do you ever like Snap Chat?

  Calvin Joyner : Oh no, we don't...

  Waitress : [Lexie interrupts Calvin] 

  Waitress : I wasn't talking to you.

  Bob Stone : No, no, no. No, I don't do that. I'm just catching up with an old friend from high school.

  Waitress : Aw! You're so sweet!

  Waitress : I think unicorns are sexy too.

• Calvin Joyner : I'm sorry man, I am blown away right now; you used to be fat Robbie. It's like a total transformation, you're like Hercules or somebody. Whadja do? come on, give it to me, whadja do?

  Bob Stone : I didn't do much really.

  Calvin Joyner : Stop it!

  Bob Stone : All right, well, I just did one thing.

  Calvin Joyner : Come on, I need to know.

  Bob Stone : I worked out 6 hours a day, every day, for the last 20 years straight. I mean, anybody can do it, right?

• Calvin Joyner : Fuck Mark Zuckerberg!