Chris Colfer: Kurt Hummel

Hairography

Kurt Hummel

Kurt Hummel: You're extremely talented, Rachel. Watching you perform is... amazing. But sometimes it's hard to appreciate what a good singer you are because all I'm thinking about is shoving a sock into your mouth.

Rachel Berry: You set me up. With Finn!
Kurt Hummel: Looks like someone is running for drama queen again.
Rachel Berry: How could you do that? I thought we were friends.
Kurt Hummel: And what made you think that? You should be thanking me. All I did was help you realize that your schoolgirl fantasy of running off with Finn was nothing but a fairy tale.
Rachel Berry: You like him. Yeah, that's... that's what this is. And you were just trying to eliminate the competition.
Kurt Hummel: I was just helping him understand that you are not a viable second choice.
Rachel Berry: You think I'm a second choice?
Kurt Hummel: A distant second.
Rachel Berry: You think I'm living in a fairy tale? If I were second or if I were 50th, I'd still be ahead of you because I'm a girl.
Kurt Hummel: Okay, here's the dope, princess: there's no hope for either of us. He loves Quinn. They're having a baby together. We're nothing but distractions. The sooner we realize that... the better.

Quinn Fabray: Hey, Kurt, can I pick your pink brain for a second?
Kurt Hummel: Why, hello, Quinn. To what do I owe the honor? I do believe this is the first time you've ever spoken to me.
Quinn Fabray: I'm sorry about that. Anyways, I have a proposition to make: a makeover.
Kurt Hummel: I'm in! Makeovers are like crack to me.
Quinn Fabray: Uh-huh.
Kurt Hummel: My suggestion? SPANX. Or a double-knit camisole with a control top for the baby bump. Also, babydoll dresses, dead giveaway.
Quinn Fabray: Not for me. For Rachel.
Kurt Hummel: And why would I want to do that? I admit I like a challenge as much as the next guy, but Rachel somehow manages to dress like a grandmother and a toddler at the same time.
Quinn Fabray: My point exactly. You're as concerned about the Glee Club succeeding as I am, and she's a distraction. Look at her. She's wearing a pantsuit. Don't you think the judges are going to take one look at her and maybe want to knock her down a peg or two?
Kurt Hummel: And to think, I thought you were a dumb blonde. Deal.

Finn Hudson: This look, it just isn't you. I mean, maybe when I first saw it, I was caught off guard by the fact that you looked all adult and stuff, but it's not what's really great about you, Rachel. I actually like the way you usually dress, sequined leg warmers and stuff.
Rachel Berry: I thought this was what you liked.
Finn Hudson: No, not at all. Funny, I was just having this conversation last week with Kurt and he asked me...
[flashback]
Kurt Hummel: So, what kind of girls do you like?
Finn Hudson: Oh, uh... well, I like it when they're natural and stuff; not a lot of makeup, not skintight clothes. That sort of thing, you know?
Kurt Hummel: Totally.
Rachel Berry: [back in real time] I feel like an idiot.

Rachel Berry: Kurt, why did you volunteer to give me a new look?
Kurt Hummel: One, I'm a sucker for makeovers. And two, you need something to distract from your horrible personality. Most of the time, I find it hard to be in the same room with you. Especially this one. Which looks like where Strawberry Shortcake and Holly Hobbie come to hook up.

Rachel Berry: What kind of makeover did you have in mind?
Kurt Hummel: We need to broaden your appeal. I want every boy to do a double take when you strut past.
Rachel Berry: There's really only just... one boy that I'd like to impress. Can you keep a secret?
Kurt Hummel: Of course.
Rachel Berry: I'm in love with Finn.
Kurt Hummel: Really?
[Rachel nods]
Kurt Hummel: I understand completely. Let's move on to makeup. I happen to know for a fact that Finn is attracted to loose women.
Rachel Berry: What? Quinn is so wholesome.
Kurt Hummel: Let me put this into musical theater parlance. In "Grease", what did Sandy do to get Danny Zuko? She had to ditch the poodle skirt and slap on a catsuit. In short, she had to dress like a ho. Maybe if your look was better, more desirable, Finn would be in your arms right now. Instead of Quinn's.