- [last lines]
- Griffin: This is my NEW favourite moment in human history... unless this is the one where K forgets to leave a tip...
- [sees a meteor about to hit the Earth in the distant future]
- Agent K: Almost forgot...
- [leaves a tip - a satellite appears and collides with the meteor, rendering the Earth safe]
- Griffin: That was a close one!
- [J is held by two 1969 cops]
- Agent J: Look man, I have my rights, and I demand to see a lawyer before you press the red button on that device!
- [the cops neuralyze themselves]
- Agent J: That was a standard grade neuralyzer, but you're not going to remember that. Keep in mind, just because you see a black man driving a car, does not mean he stole it!
- [pause]
- Agent J: OK, I did steal this one - but not because I'm black.
- Agent J: [sees Young Agent O] O? No, I call ladies "O." To me O is feminine, and K is masculine. You know, I see a couple, I'm like, "O-K."
- Young Agent K: Look, slick, seeing I live past this, can you tell me whether me and O...?
- Agent J: A wise man told me once: don't ask questions you don't want the answer to.
- Young Agent K: I said that, didn't I?
- [the crew of Apollo 11 are watching the fight between on the launch tower between the agents and bad guys]
- Buzz Aldrin: If we report this, they're going to scrub the launch.
- Neil Armstrong: [Passively] I didn't see anything.
- Young Agent K: [punches J] That's for lying to me!
- [punches J again]
- Young Agent K: That's for telling me the truth!
- Andy Warhol: So what are you doin' on my turf, K?
- Young Agent K: Tracking a killer, a Bogladyte. We have reason to believe he's gonna hit here next, Glamourian.
- Andy Warhol: Glamourian?
- Young Agent K: Mm-hmmm.
- Andy Warhol: Right solar system, wrong planet. He's gotta be after the Arcanian.
- Young Agent K: No, Arcanians are extinct...
- Andy Warhol: Well, apparently they're not. One washed ashore last week. The whole Roswell circuit's all abuzz about it. Alien unicorn, last of its species. His name's Griffin, Griffin The Arcanian.
- [from trailer]
- Agent J: Hey man, heck, how old are you?
- Young Agent K: Twenty-nine.
- Agent J: You got some city miles on you...
- Agent AA: J, everything you told me yesterday, you were right as rain. Thank go for that 10-hour stakeout.
- Agent J: Who are you?
- Agent AA: Exactly I feel like a whole new man today. Like this great weight has been lifted. I've had these anger issues my entire life, but now I can see I was just mad at myself. And my stepmom.
- Agent J: Sir, I'm gonna need you to stop talking.
- Agent AA: It's like I closed this emotional window. But I threw a brick through that window, and I just want to thank you for handing me that brick, J.
- Agent J: Okay, whoever you are, I'm gonna need you to give me five feet or I gonna pluck you in your throat.
- Agent J: There's no such thing as time travel.
- Agent O: Well, there is.
- Agent J: No. There's not. Because if there were, a class-one senior agent such as myself would have been made aware of it, wouldn't he have?
- Agent O: Were it not classified and way above his pay grade.
- Agent J: You know what? I need a pay raise.
- Young Agent K: [neuralyzes young J] There's only one thing you need to know: your father was a hero.
- Agent J: [about to time-jump] Hey, how come I can remember K but nobody else does?
- Jeffrey Price: Whoa, that means you were there!
- Agent J: I was where?
- Jeffrey Price: If you survive you got to come back and tell me everything okay?
- Agent J: Where was I?
- Jeffrey Price: You got to go! Just go, go, go!
- Young Agent K: I can see why I recruited you. You're a good man.
- Agent J: What the hell happened to you, man?
- Young Agent K: I told you, it hasn't happened yet...
- Agent J: Hey, ain't you coming?
- Griffin: [falling behind] No, I'm done here. J, as soon as K blows Boris's arm off everything will be back to the way it was, K will not remember anything that happened here.
- Agent J: I got it: arm blown off, history's reset. Okay, thanks G!
- [goes on ahead]
- Griffin: [to himself] I can never bear to watch this part...
- Young Agent K: Who are you, and what do you know?
- Agent J: I'm an agent of Men in Black, but I'm from the future. We're partners, twenty-five years from now you're going to recruit me. And 14 years after, the guy you DIDN'T let me kill at Coney Island he escapes from prison, and jumps back in the past and unleashes a full-scale invasion of Earth. We have about 19 hours to catch him and kill him, so really we need to go right now!
- Young Agent K: [deadpan] All right.
- Griffin: I lost my world. I don't want you to lose yours. It's only the most infinitesimal of chances, but if it works, it'll be my most favourite moment in human history.
- Boris The Animal: What's your plan?
- Boris The Animal: Prevent the ArcNet from being deployed. Kill anyone who tries!
- Boris The Animal: Good plan - didn't work. With my help we'll get the ArcNet, kill Agent K, the invasion will be successful and we will get to keep both of our...
- [sees his younger version staring at his stump]
- Boris The Animal: STOP STARING AT IT! Listen...
- [Boris meets his younger self in 1969]
- Boris The Animal: You pathetic waste of Boglodite flesh, I would kill you now if I didn't value my own life!
- Boris The Animal: Who are you?
- Boris The Animal: Look at you! Every mistake I ever made, just waiting to happen!
- Boris The Animal: What happened to my arm?
- Boris The Animal: You lose it, shot off by a human!
- Boris The Animal: No human can defeat me!
- Boris The Animal: You spend the next forty years in prison, chained up like an animal!
- Boris The Animal: There is no prison that can hold me!
- Boris The Animal: They built one specially for us, on the moon!
- Boris The Animal: The humans haven't been to the moon, so they cannot have built it there already!
- Boris The Animal: Stop arguing! You can avoid all of that, if you just listen to me!
- Boris The Animal: YOU were defeated! YOU let it get shot off! That wasn't me, that was YOU!
- [Both Borises roar at each other]
- Agent J: I was on my way to my girlfriend's house.
- Young Agent K: What's your girlfriend's name?
- Agent J: Shh...
- [pauses, thinking]
- Agent J: Darren.
- Young Agent K: Schdarren?
- [J meets Griffin]
- Agent J: How's it going?
- Griffin: How's it going? Well, that depends. For me personally, it's good. Things are good. Unless, of course, we're in the possible future where the muscle boy near the door gets into an argument with his girlfriend, which causes her to storm away and bump into the guy carrying the stuffed mushroom, who then dumps the tray onto those sailors on leave and a shoving match breaks out and they crash into the coffee table here. In which case, I gotta move my plate like right now.
- [as he speaks, the events he narrates occur]
- Griffin: ...or if it's the possible future, in which the pastrami sandwich I'm eating causes me gastric distress. But thankfully your friend, sir, will offer some of the antacids he carries in his right pocket. So I'll be good, I'll be good. Except in the case of the possible future where I have to leave in two and a half minutes, just before he has a chance to offer me the antacids. So, on the whole, I'd have to say, not good. I'm not good.
- [J stares at Griffin]
- Griffin: But that depends.
- Agent J: [looks for his partner] K!
- Agent J: Damn it! We had him!
- Young Agent K: Relax, Cochise. We'll find him.
- Agent J: First of all, my name is J, okay? It's not "son," it's not "slick," and it damn sure ain't "Cochise." And I'm not gonna relax 'cause we're running out of time, we're running out of clues and there's an invasion coming. You're not really recognizing my "voicial" intensity. Oh, but there was one guy that could help. Hey, Griffin! Griffin! Where's Griffin? Griffin. Where's Griffin at, K? He's gone. If Boris gets to him before we, that's no bueno.
- Young Agent K: We need pie.
- Agent J: What?
- Young Agent K: My granddaddy always said: "If you got a problem you can't solve, it helps to get out of your head." Pie. It's good.
- Agent J: Pie?
- Young Agent K: Yeah.
- Agent J: Your granddaddy, heavyset man?
- Young Agent K: A little bit.
- Agent J: Yeah, you know what? We've been doing smart stuff. We've been following clues, doing real police work. It might be time we do something stupid. Something that ain't got nothing to do with nothing. You know what? Now, I want some pie, K. I want some pie. Let's go get some dumb-ass pie.
- Young Agent K: Sounds good.
- [Z's eulogy]
- Agent K: I worked for Zed for over 40 years, and in all that time he never invited me to dinner. Heve never asked to me to his house to watch a game. He never shared a single detail of his personal life. Thank you.
- Agent O: Thank you, Agent K. That was very moving.
- Agent J: That was your eulogy?
- Agent K: He was a good man.
- Agent O: Ladies, gentlemen, other life forms, when I told the Felucian Zyglot about Zed's passing, she said something that I'm going to repeat. And I'm paraphrasing. Ahem.
- [starts screeching in an alien tongue]
- Agent O: That's just so Zed.
- [J is able to rewind time and evade Boris's attack]
- Boris The Animal: It's not possible...
- Agent J: Let's agree to disagree!
- [knocks Boris into a jet blast]
- Boris The Animal: [falling] IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!
- Jeffrey Price: All right. All right. That's a real bummer about your buddy. I'm sure, he was, like, a real great guy, but in terms of the whole space-time continuum, your friend was a little blip on the historical radar!
- [Him and J sees the Boglodite invasion on TV]
- Jeffrey Price: Oh. That's a big blip.
- Andy Warhol: [about J] Who's that guy? Okay, don't tell me he's your new partner.
- Young Agent K: Actually, he's my old partner. He travelled back from the future to save the planet...
- Andy Warhol: Jesus! Stop, don't tell me. I don't wanna know.
- Boris The Animal: Hello, K.
- Agent K: Boris the Animal.
- Boris The Animal: [angrily] It's just Boris!
- Agent K: You haven't changed very much. I see the arm I shot off is... still shot off.
- Boris The Animal: Yes, my arm.
- [caresses his pet]
- Boris The Animal: We've thought about that moment every day for the last 40 years.
- Agent K: Well, that's just not living a full life.
- Boris The Animal: I can promise you it will be longer than yours.
- Agent K: Lonelier, too, since you're the last Boglodite standing.
- Boris The Animal: We'll see about that. But first, I wanted the pleasure of killing you...
- Agent J: [arrives on the roof] Yo, K.
- [Boris starts shooting spikes at J and K, who use the door that Jay came through as a shield]
- Agent K: Where the hell have you been?
- Agent J: Fishing!
- [Boris continues shooting spikes until J and K fall off of the roof]
- Boris The Animal: You don't know it, K, but you're already dead.
- Agent J: [Neuralizing another crowd of bystanders] Thank you. Okay, you know how your kid won that goldfish in that little baggie from the school fair and you didn't want that nasty thing in your house, so you told your kid it ran away but what you really did was flushed it down the toilet? Well, this is what happens. Okay? Y'know what I'm talking about? Don't lie to your kids.
- Young Agent K: You said we don't talk, right? Go ahead, ask me any question. Anything you want, just as long as it doesn't have to do with the case... just let her rip.
- Agent J: What's up with you and O?
- Young Agent K: Me and O?
- Agent J: Yeah, you and O.
- Young Agent K: All right, all right... all right, this is it. A while back, I was assigned to keep tabs on a musician, Mick Jagger. He was in this British group, Rolling Stones...
- Agent J: Rings a bell.
- Young Agent K: We believed he's on the planet to breed with Earth women, so I was in London and that's when I met O. She's smart, funny... great smile and we find ourselves in this pub, Whistler's Bar, warm beer and the worst food you ever ate. We just played darts till the sun came up, neither of us wanted to leave...
- Agent J: What the hell happened to you, man?
- Young Agent K: I don't know, it hasn't happened yet? Come on, what about you slick? In the future you got yourself a girl?
- Agent J: I got you!
- Colonel: [watches Apollo 11 take off] Ain't that a sight.
- Young Agent K: You want to see more, there's an job opening for you in our agency.
- Colonel: I wish I could...
- Young Agent K: Why don't you come with me to Room 43 for one final enquiry: an eye exam.
- Agent J: [at Room 43] That's not an eye exam... that's a big-ass neuralyzer!
- Young Agent K: You sure have a lot of information for a fella who doesn't know anything.
- Mom: [J has gone to K's apartment] Can I help you?
- Agent J: Uh... K?
- Mom: 5K.
- Agent J: I'm sorry, is that chocolate milk?
- [Jay takes a cup of chocolate milk from the daughter and drinks it]
- Little Chocolate Milk Girl: Mommy, the President is drinking my milk.
- Agent J: [Handing the empty cup back] I'm sorry.
- Little Chocolate Milk Girl: He didn't say please.
- [from trailer]
- Young Agent K: Okay, future man, where to?
- Agent J: First of all, I'm gonna need my gun.
- [K gives J a pistol]
- Agent J: No no no, space gun!