Will Smith: Agent J

Men in Black³

Agent J

Agent J: My daddy gave me this watch, it was the only thing he ever did as I never saw him while growing up...
Agent K: Don't badmouth your old man.

[J is held by two 1969 cops]
Agent J: Look man, I have my rights, and I demand to see a lawyer before you press the red button on that device!
[the cops neuralyze themselves]
Agent J: That was a standard grade neuralyzer, but you're not going to remember that. Keep in mind, just because you see a black man driving a car, does not mean he stole it!
[pause]
Agent J: OK, I did steal this one - but not because I'm black.

Agent J: [sees Young Agent O] O? No, I call ladies "O." To me O is feminine, and K is masculine. You know, I see a couple, I'm like, "O-K."

Griffin: There's no other way for this to work, K has to be the one to go. K is the only one who can save the world.
Agent J: If he does this, is there ANY future where he lives?
Griffin: Yes. But where there is death, there will always be death.

Young Agent K: Look, slick, seeing I live past this, can you tell me whether me and O...?
Agent J: A wise man told me once: don't ask questions you don't want the answer to.
Young Agent K: I said that, didn't I?

Agent AA: J, everything you told me yesterday, you were right as rain. Thank go for that 10-hour stakeout.
Agent J: Who are you?
Agent AA: Exactly I feel like a whole new man today. Like this great weight has been lifted. I've had these anger issues my entire life, but now I can see I was just mad at myself. And my stepmom.
Agent J: Sir, I'm gonna need you to stop talking.
Agent AA: It's like I closed this emotional window. But I threw a brick through that window, and I just want to thank you for handing me that brick, J.
Agent J: Okay, whoever you are, I'm gonna need you to give me five feet or I gonna pluck you in your throat.

Agent J: There's no such thing as time travel.
Agent O: Well, there is.
Agent J: No. There's not. Because if there were, a class-one senior agent such as myself would have been made aware of it, wouldn't he have?
Agent O: Were it not classified and way above his pay grade.
Agent J: You know what? I need a pay raise.

[from trailer]
Agent J: I'm looking for K, have you seen him? Sort of a surly, older gentleman, smiles like this...
[J makes a poker face]
Agent O: K's been dead for over forty years.

Agent J: [about to time-jump] Hey, how come I can remember K but nobody else does?
Jeffrey Price: Whoa, that means you were there!
Agent J: I was where?
Jeffrey Price: If you survive you got to come back and tell me everything okay?
Agent J: Where was I?
Jeffrey Price: You got to go! Just go, go, go!

Agent J: Hey, ain't you coming?
Griffin: [falling behind] No, I'm done here. J, as soon as K blows Boris's arm off everything will be back to the way it was, K will not remember anything that happened here.
Agent J: I got it: arm blown off, history's reset. Okay, thanks G!
[goes on ahead]
Griffin: [to himself] I can never bear to watch this part...

Young Agent K: Who are you, and what do you know?
Agent J: I'm an agent of Men in Black, but I'm from the future. We're partners, twenty-five years from now you're going to recruit me. And 14 years after, the guy you DIDN'T let me kill at Coney Island he escapes from prison, and jumps back in the past and unleashes a full-scale invasion of Earth. We have about 19 hours to catch him and kill him, so really we need to go right now!
Young Agent K: [deadpan] All right.

[J meets Griffin]
Agent J: How's it going?
Griffin: How's it going? Well, that depends. For me personally, it's good. Things are good. Unless, of course, we're in the possible future where the muscle boy near the door gets into an argument with his girlfriend, which causes her to storm away and bump into the guy carrying the stuffed mushroom, who then dumps the tray onto those sailors on leave and a shoving match breaks out and they crash into the coffee table here. In which case, I gotta move my plate like right now.
[as he speaks, the events he narrates occur]
Griffin: ...or if it's the possible future, in which the pastrami sandwich I'm eating causes me gastric distress. But thankfully your friend, sir, will offer some of the antacids he carries in his right pocket. So I'll be good, I'll be good. Except in the case of the possible future where I have to leave in two and a half minutes, just before he has a chance to offer me the antacids. So, on the whole, I'd have to say, not good. I'm not good.
[J stares at Griffin]
Griffin: But that depends.
Agent J: [looks for his partner] K!

Agent J: Damn it! We had him!
Young Agent K: Relax, Cochise. We'll find him.
Agent J: First of all, my name is J, okay? It's not "son," it's not "slick," and it damn sure ain't "Cochise." And I'm not gonna relax 'cause we're running out of time, we're running out of clues and there's an invasion coming. You're not really recognizing my "voicial" intensity. Oh, but there was one guy that could help. Hey, Griffin! Griffin! Where's Griffin? Griffin. Where's Griffin at, K? He's gone. If Boris gets to him before we, that's no bueno.
Young Agent K: We need pie.
Agent J: What?
Young Agent K: My granddaddy always said: "If you got a problem you can't solve, it helps to get out of your head." Pie. It's good.
Agent J: Pie?
Young Agent K: Yeah.
Agent J: Your granddaddy, heavyset man?
Young Agent K: A little bit.
Agent J: Yeah, you know what? We've been doing smart stuff. We've been following clues, doing real police work. It might be time we do something stupid. Something that ain't got nothing to do with nothing. You know what? Now, I want some pie, K. I want some pie. Let's go get some dumb-ass pie.
Young Agent K: Sounds good.