- Elizabeth Bennet: I shall never relinquish my sword for a ring.
- Charlotte: For the right man, you would.
- Elizabeth Bennet: The right man wouldn't ask me to.
- Elizabeth Bennet: To succeed in polite society, a young woman must be many things. Kind... well-read... and accomplished. But to survive in the world as WE know it, you'll need... other qualities.
- Mr. Darcy: [in his letter to Elizabeth] Dear Miss Elizabeth Bennet, I'm not writing to renew the sentiments that were so disgusting to you. But to address the two offenses you accuse me of. I did not intentionally wound your sister. It was a most unfortunate consequence of protecting my dearest friend. Mr. Bingley's feelings for Miss Bennet were beyond any I had ever witnessed in him, or indeed even thought him capable. The evening of the dance at Netherfield, after overhearing your mother coldly stating her intention of having all her daughters marry favorably, I persuaded Bingley of the unfitness of the match. If I have wounded Miss Bennet's feelings it was unknowingly done. As to your other accusation of having injured Mr. Wickham, no sooner had my father made clear his intention to leave Mr. Wickham a handsome sum than Mr. Darcy was mysteriously infected by the plague. It was left to me, his son, to provide a merciful ending.
- [beheads the zombie Mr. Darcy, Sr]
- Mr. Darcy: Still I gave Wickham the inheritance my father left. Wickham squandered it, whereupon he demanded more and more money. Until I eventually refused. Thereafter he severed all ties with me. Last summer he began a relationship with my 15-year-old sister and convinced her to elope. Mr. Wickham's prime target was her inheritance of 30,000 pounds. But revenging himself on me was a strong additional inducement. Fortunately I was able to persuade my sister of Mr. Wickham's ulterior motives before it was too late.
- [walks away with his sister by his side]
- Mr. Darcy: I hope this helps explain and perhaps mitigate my behavior in your eyes. Of all weapons in the world, I now know love to be the most dangerous. For I have suffered a mortal wound. When did I fall so deeply under your spell, Miss Bennet? I cannot fix the hour or the spot or the look or the words which lay the foundation. I was in the middle before I knew I began. But a proud fool I was. I have faced the harsh truth: that I can never hope to win your love in this life. And so I sought solace in combat.
- [scene flashes to night and London on fire with soldiers fighting zombies]
- Mr. Darcy: I write to you from the siege of London. There is now a cunningly designed zombie attack. I sense a dark hand is at work. They are guiding the enemy, Miss Bennet. By taking London they've increased their ranks a hundredfold. Now we endeavor to keep them trapped within the great wall. This isn't the random act of some mindless horde. They struck the palace and both houses. They cut off our head before we could cut off theirs. If we should fail to contain them and they breach Hingham Bridge, It'll be as if a great dam has broken and they'll reach out for us swiftly, and in overwhelming numbers. Dear Miss Bennet. I implore you to be ready.
- Elizabeth Bennet: A woman is either highly trained or highly refined. One cannot afford the luxury of both in such times.
- Elizabeth Bennet: Mr. Darcy, you look as though you are fully mended.
- Mr. Darcy: I am. Thank you... If it wasn't for you I'd have surely perished. You have saved me in more ways than one. What you said to me on Hingham Bridge.
- Elizabeth Bennet: You heard me?
- Mr. Darcy: I did. It gave me hope.
- Elizabeth Bennet: For what?
- Mr. Darcy: That your feelings towards me may have changed? However one word from you now will silence me on the subject forever. You are the love of my life Elizabeth Bennet. So I ask you now... half in anguish... half in hope... Will you do me the great great honor, of taking me for your husband?
- Elizabeth Bennet: [happily] Yes!
- Parson Collins: I was unaware that zombies possessed such acuity so as to set such traps. Before we know it, they'll be running for Parliament.
- Mr. Bennet: [in narration] It wasn't always like this, my dear daughters. As the century began, Britannia was rich with the fruits of worldwide trade. From the colonies there came not just silks and spices, but a virulent and abominable plague. Naturally many suspected the French were to blame. Are you surprised? Once bitten, the newly infected were filled with an insatiable hunger for the brains of the living. Millions perished, only to rise again as legions of undead. So certain it would seem the end of days had come. But even the four horsemen of the apocalypse are said to have ascended from hell. To protect the living, the Grand Barrier was built. A one hundred foot wall, encircling London. Then excavation began on the royal canal, a vast moat thirty fathoms deep surrounding both the city and its walls. The land twixt the two fortifications became known as The Inbetween. At this time it became fashionable to study the deadly arts of the Orient. Japan for the wealthy. China for the wise. In the second battle of Kent, one of the bridges that cross the royal canal was breached. Ravenous zombie hordes massacred every villager of The Inbetween. It was said the sight of this slaughter drove young King George mad. When the battle was finally won, he ordered the destruction of all the bridges, save one: Hingham Bridge. Which to this day remains the only means by which to cross the royal canal. Many believed the enemy was finally vanquished. The gentry began to leave the safe confines of London's defenses for their newly fortified country estates. But vigilance is still every essence. Remember this. Keep your swords as sharp as your wit. For the ultimate battle between the living and the undead has yet to be staged.
- Lady Catherine de Bourgh: [to Elizabeth] I do not know which I admire more. Your skill as a warrior or your resolve as a woman.
- Elizabeth Bennet: [to an unconscious Darcy, after the bridge explosion] The very first moment I beheld you, my heart was irrevocably gone.
- Mr. Bingley: [while at the ball] Darcy, you must dance.
- Mr. Darcy: [referring to Jane Bennett] You're dancing with the only handsome girl here.
- Mr. Bingley: [referring to Elizabeth Bennett] One of her sisters is also very pretty dare I say. Very agreeable.
- Mr. Darcy: [looks over at Elizabeth] Well, she's tolerable. But...
- Mr. Bingley: Tolerable?
- Mr. Darcy: Yes, tolerable. But not handsome enough tempt me. Nor any other man here apparently.
- Mr. Darcy: A woman must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, and the modern languages. She must be well-trained in the fighting styles of the Kyoto masters, and weapons and tactics of modern Europe.
- Mr. Bennet: [cunningly] An unhappy alternative is before you. Your mother will never speak to you again if you do not marry Mr. Collins. And I will never speak to you again if you do.
- Mrs. Bennet: [realizing, outraged] Who will maintain you when your father is dead? No one, Elizabeth Bennet! You shall become a poor and pathetic spinster!
- Elizabeth Bennet: [near tears] Anything! Anything is to be preferred or endured rather than marrying without affection!
- Mr. Darcy: Miss Bennet, although I know many consider you to be decidedly inferior as a matter of your birth, family and circumstances, my feelings will not be repressed. In vain, I struggled. I've come to feel for you a most ardent admiration and regard which has overcome my better judgment.
- [takes a knee]
- Mr. Darcy: So now I ask you most fervently to end my turmoil and consent to be my wife.
- Elizabeth Bennet: [in slight shock] If I could feel gratitude I would now thank you. But I cannot. I never desired your good opinion. And you've certainly bestowed it most unwillingly.
- Mrs. Bennet: [trying to be complimentary] Lady, may I take a moment to compliment you on your pantaloons. Your eyepatch. Fashion or function?
- Lady Catherine de Bourgh: Function.
- Mr. Darcy: [to Bingley] Carelessness when dealing with a zombie infection can lead to your abrupt demise.
- Elizabeth Bennet: [suddenly at his side] Arrogance can lead to yours.
- Mr. Darcy: [irate] Your defect, Ms. Bennet, besides eavesdropping... is to willfully misunderstand people.
- Elizabeth Bennet: And yours is to be unjustly prejudiced against them.
- Mr. Bingley: You prefer reading to cards?
- Elizabeth Bennet: I prefer a great many things to cards.
- Caroline Bingley: [In Japanese] One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other.
- [Everyone laughs]
- Elizabeth Bennet: I don't speak Japanese.
- Caroline Bingley: No, of course. You didn't train in Japan. China, was it?
- Elizabeth Bennet: A Shaolin temple in Henan province. It was there that I learned to endure all manner of discomfort.
- Caroline Bingley: May I inquire as to the nature of this discomfort?
- Elizabeth Bennet: I'd much rather give you a demonstration.
- Parson Collins: Oh, is there some sort of trouble?
- [the sisters draw their swords]
- Parson Collins: Oh, it appears there is.
- [first lines]
- Elizabeth Bennet: It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains. Never was this truth more plain than in the recents attacks at Netherfield Park, in which an entire household was slaughtered by a horde of the living dead during a whist party.
- George Wickham: The crown's funds are being drained.
- Mr. Darcy: [incredulous] You're here to solicit money!
- George Wickham: I'm here to propose a venture that would end the war forever. These new zombies can be reasoned with. With the proper funding I believe we can cultivate trust and even good will with this new iteration of the undead, who seem to posses an inherent power of the lower ranks of their kind.
- Lady Catherine de Bourgh: [starts laughing, not believing] Zombie aristocrats?
- Parson Collins: [smirking] Oh, really!
- George Wickham: I prefer to think of them as souls lost in purgatory.
- Lady Catherine de Bourgh: [considering] Hmm.
- George Wickham: The common hordes look to them for leadership. It takes just one of them to realize that power and then to lead the hordes into battle.
- Lady Catherine de Bourgh: The undead are like locusts!
- Parson Collins: [still smirking] Locusts.
- Lady Catherine de Bourgh: [now determined] They go forth and destroy. They have no use for leaders!
- Parson Collins: Oh, uh, except one actually.
- Lady Catherine de Bourgh: [turning] Hmm?
- Parson Collins: Oh, well, um, according to the Book of Revelation the antichrist shall lead the undead, uh, on the day that shall be the last day of mankind.
- Mrs. Bennet: I consider dancing to be the first refinement of polished society. Don't you agree, Mr. Darcy?
- Mr. Darcy: No, every savage can dance. Why, I imagine that even zombies can do it to some degree of success.
- Elizabeth Bennet: Mrs. Featherstone. You're undead.
- Mrs. Featherstone: Shh, I've come to tell you a...
- [head gets blown off]
- Mrs. Bennet: Do not worry, Mr. Collins, she shall be brought to reason.
- Parson Collins: Oh good!
- Elizabeth Bennet: No.
- Parson Collins: Oh no.
- Parson Collins: Is there absolutely no negotiation over Jane?
- Mrs. Bennet: The early bird catches the worm, Mr. Collins.
- Parson Collins: Indeed.
- Mr. Bennet: Be mindful of your talent for the delicate compliments, sir.
- Parson Collins: I will, of course, require you to retire your warrior skills as part of the marital submission. We absolutely can't have swords in the home.
- Lady Catherine de Bourgh: My favorite nephew. You lay unconscious for so long that when we'd heard you'd arisen we feared you'd joined the ranks of the undead.
- Elizabeth Bennet: Your abilities as a warrior are beyond reproach, Mr. Darcy. If only you were as good a friend.
- George Wickham: [to Darcy, outside of the church cell] My God, you're so predictable. I knew by taking young Lydia you'd have to protect the Bennets' honor. So, come to kill me then?
- Mr. Darcy: A newly infected zombie is almost impossible to detect. Until they've ingested their first human brains, at which point the transformation accelerates with every subsequent kill.
- Caroline Bingley: She is one of those young ladies who seeks to recommend herself by undervaluing her own sex.
- Parson Collins: Mr. Darcy, I have made the most incredible discovery. Nay, tosh, an extraordinary discovery. Sir, you are the nephew of Lady Catherine de Bourgh.
- Mr. Darcy: I know.
- George Wickham: [about zombies] You see, if they never consume human brains they will never fully transform into zombies. St. Lazarus' is the key to find the ending the struggle between the living and the undead. We must force some kind of understanding with the most advanced among them.
- Mr. Bingley: I hate to see you just standing there. You must dance.
- Mr. Darcy: Oh, you know I detest it when I'm not acquainted with my partner.
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