- Damon Macready: So... have you thought a little more about what you might want for your birthday?
- Mindy Macready: Can I get a puppy?
- Damon Macready: [surprised] You wanna get a dog?
- Mindy Macready: Yeah, a cuddly fluffy one, and a Bratz movie-star make over Sasha!
- [Damon is stunned]
- Mindy Macready: [laughs] I'm just fucking with you Daddy! Look, I'd love a Benchmade model 42 butterfly knife.
- Damon Macready: [relieved] Oh, child... You always knock me for a loop!
- Katie Deauxma: Dave? What the fuck are you doing? Why are you dressed as Kick-Ass?
- Dave Lizewski: Because I *am* Kick-Ass!
- Katie Deauxma: What are you talking about?
- Dave Lizewski: I'm also not gay!
- Katie Deauxma: Fuck!
- Dave Lizewski: [voiceover] The world I lived in, heroes only existed in comic books, and I guess that would have been okay -- if bad guys were make-believe, too... but they're not.
- [first lines]
- Dave Lizewski: I always wondered why nobody did it before me. I mean, all those comic books, movies, TV shows. You think that one eccentric loner would've made himself a costume. I mean, is everyday life really so exciting? Are schools and offices so thrilling that I'm the only one who fantasized about this? Come on, be honest with yourself. At some point in our lives, we all wanna be a superhero.
- Dave Lizewski: [a winged avenger dives to his death] That's not me, by the way. That's some Armenia guy with a history of mental health problems.
- Diner Fight Guy 1: The fuck is wrong with you, man? You'd rather die for some piece of shit that you don't even fucking know?
- Dave Lizewski: Than three assholes laying into one guy while everybody else watches? And you wanna know what's wrong with me? Yeah, I'd rather die... so bring it on!
- Dave Lizewski: How do I get a hold of you?
- Hit-Girl: You just contact the mayor's office. He has a special signal he shines in the sky. It's in the shape of a giant cock.
- Dave Lizewski: [voi e-over] Who am I? I'm Kick-Ass!
- [six months earlier]
- Dave Lizewski: That's me, back before any of this crazy shit happened. I guess I was the last person you'd expect to become a superhero. I'm not saying there was anything wrong with me, but there's nothing special, either. I wasn't into sports, I wasn't a mathlete or a hardcore gamer. I didn't have a piercing, or an eating disorder, or 3000 friends on MySpace. My only superpower was being invisible to girls -- and, out of my friends, man, I wasn't even the funny one. Like most people my age, I just existed.
- [last lines]
- Dave Lizewski: [voiceover] Kick-Ass was gone but not forgotten, and my world was much safer with all the new superheroes. They said I was their inspiration, but all I did was make a door into a world I dreamed about since I was a little kid.
- [cut to Chris/Red Mist in his father's office]
- Chris D'Amico: A world full of superheroes, huh?
- [Chris turns around, showing his revamped Red Mist costume, and dons a new, decidedly more 'supervillain' mask]
- Chris D'Amico: As a great man once said... "Wait'll they get a load of me."
- Mindy Macready: Daddy, I'm scared.
- Damon Macready: Come on, Mindy, honey, be a big girl now. There's nothing to be afraid of.
- Mindy Macready: Is it gonna hurt bad?
- Damon Macready: Oh, child. Only for a second, sugar.
- Damon Macready: [testing her] A handgun bullet travels at... more than?
- Mindy Macready: 700 miles an hour.
- Damon Macready: 700 miles an hour; so, at close range like this, the force is gonna take you off your feet for sure, but it's really no more painful than a punch in the chest.
- Mindy Macready: [mumbles to herself] I hate getting punched in the chest.
- Damon Macready: [cocks gun] You're gonna be fine, baby doll!
- [he aims and fires, hitting her squarely in the chest; she goes flying off her feet, landing on her back]
- Damon Macready: [walking up to her as she pulls the bullet out of her bullet-proof vest hidden underneath her jacket] How was that? Not so bad. Kinda fun, huh? Now you know how it feels. You won't be scared when some junkie asshole pulls a glock.
- Mindy Macready: [smiling] I wouldn't have been scared anyways!
- Damon Macready: That's my girl.
- Damon Macready: [helping her up] All right, up you get. Two more rounds and then home.
- Mindy Macready: Again?
- Damon Macready: Uh-huh.
- Mindy Macready: Look, only if we can go by the bowling alley on the way back.
- Damon Macready: The bowling alley?
- Mindy Macready: Yeah, and ice cream after.
- Damon Macready: [thinking about it for a second] Huh... okay. Two more rounds, no wincing... no whining... and you got yourself a deal, young lady.
- Mindy Macready: Yeah! I'm gonna get a hot fudge sundae!
- Damon Macready: Good call, baby doll!
- [shoots her again]
- Dave Lizewski: If it wasn't for you, I'd be dead.
- Hit-Girl: And if it wasn't for you... my dad wouldn't be.
- Leroy: [to Kick-Ass] Who the fuck you supposed to be, The Green Condom? You know it ain't Halloween for another few months, kid?
- Dave Lizewski: [voice-over] Even with my metal plates and my fucked up nerve endings, I gotta tell ya, that... hurt -- but not half as much as the idea of leaving everything behind: Katie, my dad, Todd and Marty, and all the things I'd never do, like... learn to drive, or see what me and Katie's kids would look like, or find out what happened on "Lost." And, if you're reassuring yourself that I'm gonna make it through this since I'm talkin' to you now, quit being such a smart-ass. Hell, dude, you never seen "Sin City?" "Sunset Boulevard?" "American Beauty?"
- Big Daddy: Good job. I'm so proud of you, baby doll. Are you okay?
- Hit-Girl: Mm-hm... but getting shot, Daddy, it hurt a lot more than when you did it.
- Big Daddy: That's because I used low velocity rounds, child... heh-heh.
- Hit-Girl: You're the kindest daddy in the whole world.
- Big Daddy: No, I just... I love you.
- Hit-Girl: I love you, too, Daddy. I love you, too, Daddy. Sleep tight.
- Dave Lizewski: Jesus, guys, does it not bug you? Like, thousand of people wanna be Paris Hilton and nobody wants to be Spider-Man.
- Marty: Yeah, what's with that? She has, like, no tits at all.
- Todd: Maybe it's a porn tape, He doesn't have a porn tape.
- Marty: You guys never saw "One Night In Spider-Man?"
- Huge Goon: [barging into Frank's office where Frank almost shoots him] Whoa! It's only me, boss. Everything's under control.
- [slowly creeps over to the bazooka while Frank and Chris stare at him]
- Chris D'Amico: Un... under control? You're grabbing a fucking bazooka, you dumbass!
- Huge Goon: [looks at Frank] Sir?
- Frank D'Amico: Do it.
- [Chris hands his father a list]
- Frank D'Amico: What the hell is this?
- Chris D'Amico: It's-it's everything I need, and... you may have to screw someone over, like Louie or something.
- Big Joe: Louie? Whoa, hey, Chris, uh-uh.
- Chris D'Amico: Or... or somebody. It doesn't have to be Louie.
- Big Joe: [clicks fingers] Tony.
- Chris D'Amico: Tony.
- Frank D'Amico: Tony?
- Chris D'Amico: I hate Tony.
- Big Joe: Yeah, fuck Tony. He's a scumbag.
- Chris D'Amico: I-I swear, Dad, if you let me do this, it's gonna work.
- Frank D'Amico: [takes a moment then hands the paper back] Tony.
- Todd: Out of Kick-Ass and Red Mist, who do you think would win in a fight?
- Marty: Why are they fighting? That seems stupid.
- Todd: [to Katie] What do you think?
- Katie Deauxma: I don't know, but I think Kick-Ass is cuter.
- Dave Lizewski: [laughs] Really?
- Katie Deauxma: Mm-hm. I for one would definitely fuck his brains out if I got the chance.
- Dave Lizewski: You would?
- Katie Deauxma: Definitely.
- Dave Lizewski: You, uhh... you like checkin' out that new Kate Hudson movie where she's, like, a shoe designer, can't get a guy? I think we can make the next showing maybe...
- Katie Deauxma: Hell, yeah.
- Frank D'Amico: I gotta send a public service message to the people out there that being a superhero is bad for your health.
- Chris D'Amico: You better fire this asshole!
- Frank D'Amico: Ignore him, S.. A bazooka?
- [the huge goon nods]
- Frank D'Amico: Okay.
- Sergeant Marcus Williams: You owe dhat girl a childhood.
- Damon Macready: I'll tell you who owes her a childhood -- FRANK D'AMICO!
- Dave Lizewski: Like every serial killer already knew: eventually fantasizing just doesn't do it for you anymore.
- Frank D'Amico: [in falsetto voice] Mommy, I want a Kick-Ass party!
- [normal voice]
- Frank D'Amico: Dumb little fucks.
- Hit Girl: [grinning at bad guy's balisong knife] Hey, I got one of those!
- Hit-Girl: [after Hit Girl and Kick-Ass land on the roof of Mindy's building with the jet-pack] Thanks, Kick-Ass. My daddy... he would have been proud of both of us.
- Dave Lizewski: [removes his mask] Dave.
- [extends his hand]
- Dave Lizewski: Dave Lizewski.
- Hit-Girl: [smiles] I know that, dumbass.
- [chuckles, then removes her own wig and mask]
- Hit-Girl: Mindy... Mindy Macready.
- [she extends her own hand and they shake as both a formal introduction and recognition of their new partnership]
- Frank D'Amico: [standing over Hit Girl] God, I wish I had a son like you. Time for a family reunion.
- Huge Goon: [preparing to fire the bazooka] I always wanted to say this. Say hello to my little friend!
- Dave Lizewski: I'll be honest. There wasn't a whole lot of crime-fighting in those first few weeks, but even so, my new vocation kept me plenty busy. I called it preparation, but if you called it fantasizing, it would have been hard to argue. All I knew was... I never felt so good about myself.
- Damon Macready: [studying security videos and blueprints of Frank D'Amico's building] We've gotta get OVER it, on TOP of it, and then INTO it! Right in the middle of it!
- Mindy Macready: [looks up from other computer screen] Daddy, I think I found one. It's perfect, and they can deliver it in three days.
- [slightly deflated as she looks at the price]
- Mindy Macready: Ah, It's,,, three hundred thousand bucks.
- Damon Macready: [walks around the desk to examine her discovery on the the computer screen] Can you think of anything else you'd rather spend it on?
- [sees what's on the screen]
- Damon Macready: Oooohhhhhhhh, my gosh! That is COOL.
- Mindy Macready: [smiling] Yeah!
- Damon Macready: Add to shopping cart.
- Mindy Macready: Okay.
- Cody: [to Big Daddy] Let me out now? I gave you all them names and addresses. Hey, I won't say nothing to nobody. You and your crazy midget friend can go bash whoever you want. Hey, come on. Hey, I know some very bad people up town. Really nasty individuals.
- Dave Lizewski: [as Frank D'Amico is about to shoot Hit Girl] Hey! Why don't you pick on someone your OWN size?
- [points a bazooka at Frank and fires]
- Damon Macready: [finding Marcus in his apartment, pointing a gun at him] How'd you find me, Marcus?
- Sergeant Marcus Williams: One of us is still a cop, remember?
- [Dave sees Hit Girl studying security cam footage]
- Dave Lizewski: Is this Frank D'Amico's place? All that security? Are you crazy?
- Hit-Girl: My mom already died for nothing, so I'm sure as hell not gonna let my dad die for nothing too.
- Dave Lizewski: You can't do this on your own.
- Hit-Girl: Exactly. You wanna deal with owing my dad? Then shut the hell up and pick your weapon.
- Mrs. Zane: [from Dave's fantasy where she strips down to nothing but her bra and underwear, with a seductive tone] Don't think I haven't noticed you looking at my tits, Dave. Oh, I want your hands all over me, Dave. Please.
- [montage: practicing his superhero lines in front of a mirror while in costume]
- Dave Lizewski: Oh, no, I'm just standing around, you know.
- [whips out his sticks]
- Dave Lizewski: No, I'm not! Yah!
- Dave Lizewski: [voice-over] It is what it is.
- Dave Lizewski: [waves the sticks wildly] How 'bout that, huh?
- [takes out his sticks again]
- Dave Lizewski: Oh yeah! Didn't see that, did ya? Think it's best if you just walk away. Well maybe you shouldn't do that. What? Huh? You looking at me? Well, this IS my business.