Seth Rogen credited as playing...
Seth Rogen
- Jay Baruchel: Guys, listen listen. I think we need to address the elephant in the room
- Seth Rogen: Whoa, Jay, don't talk about Craig like that.
- Craig Robinson: That's fucked up. I'm right here man.
- Jay Baruchel: I'm not calling Craig an elephant.
- James Franco: That's racist.
- [Taking inventory of the food and supplies at James Franco's house]
- Seth Rogen: We got 12 bottles of water, 56 beers, two vodkas, four whiskeys, six bottles of wine, tequila, Nutella, cheese, pizza, eggs, bananas, apples, bacon, steaks, pancake mix, C.T. Crunch, milk, ketchup, a Milky Way, half-ounce Sour Diesel, 3 1/2 grams Grand Master Kush, one ounce of 'shrooms, 15 pills of ecstasy, a porno mag, a baseball bat, and the video camera from the movie 27 Hours.
- James Franco: [correcting Seth] '127 Hours'.
- Seth Rogen: Uh, 127 Hours. And a functioning revolver from the movie 'Flyboys'.
- [Rogen and McBride are digging through the floor of Franco's house when Franco storms through the second floor hallway, carrying his prop gun and a porno magazine]
- James Franco: Who did this? Who did this?
- Seth Rogen: Did what? What are you talking about?
- James Franco: Jizzed all over the pages of this nice magazine I was nice enough to tell you about. Was it you, Seth?
- Danny McBride: [Raises hand] It was me, Franco. I fuckin' made jizz in your magazine.
- James Franco: Why?
- Danny McBride: When I fuckin' jack off long enough, I end up jizzin', dude. I'm assuming, the same shit works for you?
- James Franco: Real fuckin' smart answer! Why don't you fuckin' aim, huh?
- Danny McBride: I have a particularly explosive ejaculate. It just goes everywhere. It's like a fuckin' wild fireman's hose - you just got to grab on and pray to God it doesn't get into your eyes or your mouth.
- James Franco: What the fuck kind of jerking off is that? What, you never had any brothers? You never learned to jizz in a fuckin' sock or on a fuckin' tissue?
- Danny McBride: No, I don't have any brothers, I was raised in a house of women!
- James Franco: I highly doubt they fuckin' taught you to fuckin' close your eyes and fuckin' cum wherever the fuck you want!
- Danny McBride: I mean, you're getting all worked up over a fuckin' porno mag! Who has goddamn porno mags anymore? Welcome to the twenty-first century, Buck Rogers! You designed a house with fuckin' iPads in the walls, yet, you're jerkin' your dick like a goddamn pilgrim!
- James Franco: That's right, man. I like to fuckin' read!
- Danny McBride: You think that's the only thing I jerk off on in here? I've been dropping off loads around this fuckin' house like a goddamn dump truck.
- James Franco: You don't cum on my stuff!
- Danny McBride: I'll cum wherever the fuck I want, James! I'll fuckin' cum in your kitchen, I'll cum on your fuckin' art, I'll cum anywhere I want!
- James Franco: I will fuckin' cum right on you! I will cum like a fuckin' madman all over you, McBride!
- Danny McBride: Ooh! I fuckin' wish you'd cum on me right now! I fuckin' dare you to cum on me!
- [Both exchange masturbation gestures at each other]
- Danny McBride: [Grabbing baseball bat between his legs] I'm gonna jack my dick so fuckin' hard in here!
- James Franco: This, no more, man! All over your fuckin' face!
- Danny McBride: All over the fuckin' floor, all over the fuckin' place! I'll fuckin' cum anywhere I want! I'll fuckin' cum on these walls, I'll cum on the fuckin' cabinets, on the fuckin' furniture, I'll cum everywhere!
- James Franco: If I see your dick one more time, I'm gonna fuckin' shoot it off!
- Danny McBride: You don't have enough bullets, bitch!
- Jay Baruchel: Can we please go to fucking Carl's Jr.?
- Seth Rogen: Uh, I would love to, but I'm on a... I can't really eat that stuff right now. I'm on a... I'm on this cleanse.
- Jay Baruchel: You're on a what?
- Seth Rogen: I'm on a cleanse.
- Jay Baruchel: [laughs] What?
- Seth Rogen: It's good for you. You're supposed to take six shits a day.
- Jay Baruchel: That's not true, you're supposed to shit twice a day.
- Seth Rogen: No. That's not true. That's what they used to think, now they know you're supposed to shit six times a day.
- Jay Baruchel: So you're not drinking, you're not smoking weed?
- Seth Rogen: Oh, no. I'm drinking, I'm smoking weed. I'm on a cleanse, I'm not psychotic.
- Jonah Hill: So what have you guys been doing?
- Seth Rogen: Oh we just hung out all day.
- Jay Baruchel: Ate a bunch of dirty burgers, smoked about a fucking pound of weed, and played a bunch of video games.
- Jonah Hill: Weed is tight, weed is tight. That's awesome.
- Jay Baruchel: It's like the golfing sequence in Navy Seals.
- Jonah Hill: Sick reference though bro.
- Jay Baruchel: Oh thanks bud.
- Jonah Hill: Dude, your references are out of control, everyone knows that.
- Emma Watson: Give me everything you have to drink!
- Seth Rogen: There are six of us! You cannot rob us!
- Emma Watson: I'm NOT fucking around!
- Jonah Hill: Um, can I have that Milky Way?
- James Franco: No, you can't have the Milky Way. That's my Milky Way. I went out this morning and specifically bought this Milky Way to eat after my party.
- Jay Baruchel: That's weird.
- James Franco: It's not weird, it's my special food, I like it. Back me up on that, Seth.
- Seth Rogen: I don't think you should get the whole Milky Way. I want some of the Milky Way.
- Craig Robinson: I'd be pretty bummed if I don't at least get a bite of the Milky Way.
- James Franco: Oh, now Craig wants a bite of the Milky Way.
- Craig Robinson: Yeah, I want a bite of the Milky Way! It's a fucking Milky Way.
- Jay Baruchel: A fifth of everything is what's fair and reasonable.
- Seth Rogen: Everyone gets a fifth of everything.
- James Franco: [to Craig] I want one fifth of your t-shirt!
- Seth Rogen: Let's do all the drugs!
- Jay Baruchel: I don't really want to.
- [starts to drink water]
- Seth Rogen: You should of thought of that before you drank a can full of Ecstasy.
- Jay Baruchel: [spits water out] What?
- Seth Rogen: Just answer me one question: Is Michael Cera's butthole as adorable as I pictured?
- Jay Baruchel: Oh for fucks sake...
- Seth Rogen: I picture it looking like a little donut. A little pink sprinkled donut.
- [an armored RV crashes into James Franco's Toyota Prius, slightly injuring Franco, Seth Rogen, and Jay Baruchel. A bunch of cannibals from the RV pulls all three of them out from the totaled car and starts to attack them]
- Santa Cannibal: [yells] Yo, cut his fuckin' head off!
- [chainsaw revs up; James, Seth, and Jay screams]
- Danny McBride: [on loudspeaker] STOP!
- [Danny McBride, leader of the cannibals, steps out of his RV with a marijuana joint in one hand and a dog's leash in the other]
- Jay Baruchel: Danny?
- Danny McBride: [shocked] What the fuck? You guys are still alive?
- Seth Rogen: Yeah!
- Danny McBride: Holy shit, I didn't expect that.
- [tugging on the leash, a gimp, who reveals to be Channing Tatum, jumps out from the RV]
- Danny McBride: Get...
- [Danny pulls Channing over to him]
- Jay Baruchel: Oh, Jesus.
- Danny McBride: Shit, I can't believe you guys are here. That's fucking crazy, and your timing couldn't be more perfect. It's been a long time since any of us have eaten, and you three gentlemen look delicious.
- Jay Baruchel: [confused] What does that have to do with us?
- James Franco: What the fuck are you talking about?
- Danny McBride: [chuckles] I'm a cannibal, hombre. We're gonna fuckin' eat your ass.
- Seth Rogen: Fuck you, you can't eat us. Fuck that, man!
- Danny McBride: I do whatever the fuck I want, whenever I want. I butt-fucked this dude.
- [Channing drops down doggy-style]
- Danny McBride: See that? I fuckin' slide right in that shit. I do whatever I want. This is my gimp. Channing, introduce yourself.
- Channing Tatum: [takes his mask off] Hey, what's up, guys? Y'all cool?
- James Franco: That's Channing Tatum.
- Seth Rogen: That's Channing Tatum, dude. What the fuck?
- Danny McBride: Channing fucking Tatum. I found him wandering on the freeway. I collected him, made him my bitch
- [Channing rubs Danny's crotch, but Danny shoves his hand away]
- Danny McBride: Get off my dick. I call him Channing "Tate-yum".
- James Franco: Hardcore, man.
- Seth Rogen: Jesus fucking Christ.
- Craig Robinson: You might wanna stay away from saying that.
- Seth Rogen: Jesus fucking Christ? Why? Why can't I say that?
- Craig Robinson: One of the ten commandments. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.
- Seth Rogen: Jesus isn't the name of the Lord. God is the name of the Lord.
- Craig Robinson: Jesus and God is all the same.
- Jay Baruchel: It's a trinity.
- Craig Robinson: The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.
- James Franco: It's like Neapolitan ice cream.
- Michael Cera: [after everyone at James Franco's party runs outside and sees that the Hollywood Hills are engulfed in flames] Wait, wait, wait! Everybody listen up! Listen up! Who took my fucking cell phone man? Martin empty your pockets!
- Martin Starr: What?
- Michael Cera: I saw you in the bathroom, man! Somebody dial my phone! Shut the fuck up! Unbelievable! It's unacceptable after all the coke I've wasted on you people!
- Seth Rogen: No one took your fucking cell phone...
- Michael Cera: [the ground begins to crack under Michael's feet] Three! Two! One! Zero!
- Seth Rogen: [a light pole begins to fall towards Michael] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Michael! Michael! Michael!
- [the light pole crashes through Michael's chest]
- [after James taunts Danny, the rapture beams disappears; James falls back down on the ground to the evil amazement of the cannibals and the disappointment of Seth and Jay]
- Seth Rogen: Oh, shit.
- Jay Baruchel: Shit!
- James Franco: [horrified] What happened? What did I do? Take me back! What did I DO?
- Danny McBride: I'll tell you what happened, Franco. You don't get to get sucked up into Heaven 'cause you were being petty. Tom Petty.
- [the cannibals gang up on the now-doomed James]
- Danny McBride: You may not have invited me to your party, but you're the guest of honor at mine.
- James Franco: [last word] What?
- [Danny takes a huge bite into James' nose, with Channing joining in; James screams in horrible pain as Seth and Jay can do nothing but watch in sheer horror and disgust]
- Danny McBride: [screaming; a crazed Danny holds up James' ripped-off nose] HOW FUCKING CRAZY IS THIS?
- [Danny shrieks as the cannibals gang up and fatally eat James up to his death]
- Danny McBride: Seth! JAY!
- [Three cannibals give chase to Set and Jay, presumably to finish the job and keep them completely fed]
- Jay Baruchel: Oh, shit, they're running after us!
- Seth Rogen: Oh, shit. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Run!
- Danny McBride: BRING THEM TO ME!
- Danny McBride: Franco, you're just a pretentious fucking nerd.
- James Franco: Fuck you!
- Danny McBride: And Jonah... you fucking cunt. Craig... you didn't have my back back there. You fucking disappoint me.
- Craig Robinson: Bro...
- Danny McBride: And Seth... you duplicitous taint.
- Seth Rogen: What?
- Danny McBride: And of course there's Jay... the self-righteous, cocksucking, two-faced backstabber.
- Jay Baruchel: What the fuck are you talking about?
- [the guys are debating whether or not to let a stranger into the house]
- James Franco: [whispering] I know it sounds really weird, but... I don't think we should let him in.
- Jay Baruchel: Why not?
- Headless Man: Yeah, why not? I can hear you, by the way.
- James Franco: I'm sorry, we just don't know you, man. You could be, like, a looter or a, a rapist or a tittyfucker, like...
- [Seth grabs his chest protectively]
- James Franco: ... I'm sorry. Look, guys, we just boarded up this whole house to keep everyone out, and the first guy who comes to the door, we're gonna let him in? I mean, how do we know we can trust this guy?
- Headless Man: I want to live! Things have gone crazy out here!
- Danny McBride: "Agagaga-fuckin'-crazy-out-here!" This guy fuckin' sucks.
- James Franco: What if he's the rapist?
- Jonah Hill: Man, even if he is a rapist, he can't rape all of us.
- Headless Man: [panicking] Yeah, no, I'm not a rapist!
- Seth Rogen: You gonna tittyfuck us?
- Headless Man: [almost in tears] If you want me to tittyfuck you, I will, so good, oh, you'll love it!
- Jay Baruchel: Seth, back me up, please, we can't just leave him out there to die, are you crazy?
- James Franco: [to Seth] What do you wanna do? I'll do whatever you wanna do.
- Seth Rogen: Uh, let's vote on it!
- Headless Man: Yeah, I fuckin' vote you let me in!
- Danny McBride: Here's my vote: fuck all of you, I'm letting him in. This is boring.
- [the guys all shout and rush to stop him; something growls outside]
- Headless Man: There's something out here!
- [the thing outside suddenly chops the man's head off, and the severed head bounces into the room, coming to a stop at Danny's feet]
- Danny McBride: [in shock] This is real! This is fucking real!
- [he kicks the head at James, who kicks it away from him immediately. The guys all start screaming and kicking the head around the room to get away from it]
- Jonah Hill: You guys! This man was alive a few seconds ago, we can't play soccer with his head!
- James Franco: Pick it up, Jonah.
- [Jonah picks up the head and immediately drops it again as blood gushes out of it]
- Danny McBride: What the fuck is going on?
- Jonah Hill: He blinked at me! He blinked at me!
- James Franco: Put it over there!
- [quivering in fear, Craig throws a blanket over the head]
- Seth Rogen: It's already going crazy out there, guys! We can't leave. I'm not leaving. Okay? I'm a victim! I've had a victim's mentality my whole life, people can smell it on me! When I was a kid, I had man titties. The bullies held me down, they titty fucked me!
- James Franco: That's what's happening out there right now!
- Craig Robinson: We are all soft.
- Seth Rogen: Yeah.
- Craig Robinson: We are all soft! We are actors, we pretend to be hard, man! We soft as baby shit!
- James Franco: As baby shit!
- Seth Rogen: Jay, are you serious right now? That's your fucking plan? You're gonna repeat lines from the exorcist?
- Jay Baruchel: I would assume they did their fucking research.
- Seth Rogen: It's a movie!
- Jay Baruchel: It's a manual. It's a fucking training manual.
- Seth Rogen: Danny, no! Don't walk away! Danny, don't walk away from me!
- Danny McBride: [continuing to walk away] It's too late, Seth! I've already walked away too much!
- Seth Rogen: No, you haven't. You could still come back and just fucking turn around and come back and help me.
- Jay Baruchel: [about to exorcise Jonah Hill] Jonah Hill.
- Possessed Jonah Hill: Jonah Hill is no more.
- Jay Baruchel: Demon!
- Possessed Jonah Hill: Yes!
- Seth Rogen: Fuck. That's not good.