Tilda Swinton credited as playing...
Eva Khatchadourian
- Eva: Haven't you ever wished you had somebody else around to play with?
- Kevin, 6-8 Years: No.
- Eva: You might like it.
- Kevin, 6-8 Years: What if I don't like it?
- Eva: Then you get used to it.
- Kevin, 6-8 Years: Just because you're used to something doesn't mean you like it. You're used to me.
- Eva: Yes, well, in a few months we're all gonna get used to somebody new.
- Young Suited Man #1: Good afternoon ma'am. I hope this isn't an inconvenient time.
- Eva: Well, it is actually.
- Young Suited Man #1: Well, we just had a couple of quick questions for you.
- Eva: What is this about?
- Young Suited Man #2: Do you know were are you spending the afterlife?
- Eva: Oh! Yes I do as a matter of fact! I'm going straight to hell. Eternal damnation, the whole bit. Thanks for asking! Ok?
- Eva: [standing at the counter of the miniature golf course, the mother sees a group of obese people and rails to her son] Whenever I see fat people, they're always eating. Don't give me any of this... 'slow metabolism, it's my glands' crap.
- Eva: So, the daddy bear plants his seed in the mommy bear and it grows into an egg.
- Kevin, 6-8 Years: Is this about fucking?
- Eva: Do you know what that means?
- Kevin, 6-8 Years: The boy puts his pee pee in the girls doo doo.
- Franklin: Kev, Mom had something that she wanted to tell you.
- Eva: [Eva looks appalled and despite her efforts she finds that this time, she is unable to fake any sort of love towards Kevin] I wanted to... thank you for calling the ambulance.
- Franklin: ...And?
- Eva: And I was concerned... that you might be feeling... RESPONSIBLE.
- Kevin: Why is that?
- Eva: [on the verge of snapping] Because you were SUPPOSED to be looking after her!
- Franklin: We just don't want you to blame yourself.
- Kevin: No. I don't... I mean I... I never said I did.
- Eva: ...She's going to need a GLASS EYE, Kevin.
- Eva: So daddy and mommy were looking for him the whole night. And you know why we couldn't find him? Because Snuffles has gone to live in the garden! He's living in the garden now, with a whole bunch of new animal friends! So, they're having a big party tonight... with the chipmunks, and the squirrels, and the coons and they're eating nuts and berries...
- [suddenly Eva realizes in confusion that the water isn't properly draining down the sink because something is clogging it, implied to be Snuffles the guinea pig. Eva pours drain cleaner down the sink to corrode the "clog"]
- Colin: You wanna dance?
- Eva: No thanks, Harland.
- Colin: Come on, just one!
- [Mr. Harland playfully waves his Styrofoam reindeer antler headband around to try to get her to smile]
- Eva: [laughing timidly] No really, I don't dance.
- Colin: [Mr. Harland's demeanor changes abruptly and he leans in close to whisper something in her ear] Where do you get off, you stuck-up bitch? Do you think anybody else even wants you now?
- [Eva, looking forlorn, stands up and leaves the Christmas party]
- Eva: Standing at the counter of the miniature golf course, the mother sees a group of obese people and rants to her son: "Whenever I see fat people, they're always eating. Don't give me any of this... 'slow metabolism, it's my glands' crap."