Michael Jai White credited as playing...
Black Dynamite
- Black Dynamite: Your knowledge of scientific biological transmogrification is only outmatched by your zest for kung-fu treachery!
- Gloria: [after Dynamite kills a would-be assasin in a donut suit] How did you know?
- Black Dynamite: Because donuts don't wear alligator shoes.
- Honey Bee: Black Dynamite, you ain't got to worry about Gloria. She gonna be safe in here. I been keeping the girls up on their kung fu like you told me to. Now, they find her up in here, we will fricassee they honky asses.
- Gloria: Dynamite, are you sure about this? Maybe we should call the police.
- Black Dynamite: No, Mama. You can bet your sweet ass and half a titty whoever put that hit on you already got the cops in their back pocket. You be cool, Mama. Bee here will keep you tight and out of sight. I'm gonna shake the tree from the roots and rake up the fruits, rip it up out of the ground, find out what's going down. Don't worry about tomorrow, Mama, because tonight...
- Euphoria: Dynamite's gonna make everything all right.
- Black Dynamite: Euphoria, shut the fuck up! I know that was you! I ain't even gotta look! I should send your ass back to Crenshaw Pete with his hot-ass coat hangers, bitch. Would you like that?
- [Euphoria shakes her head in fear and walks away. There is a long silence between Black Dynamite and Gloria]
- Gloria: Black Dynamite, I know that we just met, but somehow I feel that I can trust you. I'll be waiting here till you come to get me.
- [Kisses Black Dynamite]
- Gloria: Thank you for saving my life.
- Black Dynamite: You be cool, Little Mama. I'll be back before too long.
- Sholanda: My momma said my daddy's name was Black Dynamite.
- Brickwilla: So did my momma!
- Black Dynamite: Err, uhh, hush up little girls. A lot of cats have that name.
- Black Dynamite: I'm declaring war on anyone who sells drugs to the community.
- Chocolate Giddy-Up: But Black Dynamite! *I* sell drugs to the community!
- Bullhorn: Man, you guys ain't had no waffles like these. These waffles are so good, they're like they come from down South. These buttery motherfuckers will melt in your mouth. Man you ain't had no waffles...
- Black Dynamite: Wait! Bullhorn, what did you just say? You said, 'Melts in your mouth'. Quick...
- [erases the restaurant menu blackboard]
- Black Dynamite: What else melts in your mouth?
- Cream Corn: M&M's!
- Black Dynamite: Exactly. And not in your hands. And who makes M&M's?
- Militant #3: Mars Candy Company make it. Yeah, yeah.
- Black Dynamite: And Mars is also...
- Saheed: The Roman God of War.
- Black Dynamite: Who is the Greek God of War?
- Militant 2: Ares.
- Black Dynamite: Now, you take Mars and spell it backwards, drop the S.
- Cream Corn: Ram. That's right. And ram is the zodialogical sign for Aries. Oh! Now dig. Ares' half-sister is Athena.
- Black Dynamite: Now you're getting it.
- Cream Corn: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Athena, Athens.
- Saheed: Which is the capital of Greece.
- Black Dynamite: And as we all know, zodialogical astronomy was created by the Greeks in...
- Cream Corn, Saheed, Militant 2, Militant #3: 785 B.C.
- Militant 2: And 785 is the area code to Topeka. Oh, my God. 785 is the area code to Topeka, Kansas!
- Bullhorn, Cream Corn, Saheed, Militant 2, Militant #3: Code Kansas!
- Black Dynamite: Now take that, spell it backwards and drop the S.
- Militant #3: Snake doc. Snake doctor, yeah!
- Black Dynamite: Yes. And brothers, who is the Greek Demigod of Medicine who believed that snakes' tongues had mystical healing powers?
- Cream Corn: Aesculapius, of course. He had a staff with snakes intertwining all around that bitch. They called it Aesculapius' staff. It's a symbol the medical field uses to this day.
- Black Dynamite: Now, what legend involving snakes is in both Greek and Roman mythology? Now, come on. It involves Aesculapius' own father.
- Woman at table: Apollo.
- Black Dynamite: Yeah. Thanks, lady.
- Black Chick: Black Dynamite, that was the best loving I ever had.
- White Chick: Me too.
- Asian Chick: That goes triple for me.
- Black Dynamite: Shh. Mama, you're gonna wake up the rest of the bitches.
- [Two more women are sleeping on the same bed]
- Black Dynamite: Yeah yeah, mama. Now you could hit the sheets or the streets, it don't make me no never mind. Now that's your bag baby, you can go, or you could come. Can you dig it?
- Black Dynamite: Scram. Scram! I said split! Shake the scene you turkeys! Get out of my house! I'll see you all tomorrow.
- Black Dynamite: Now Aunt Billy, how many times have I told you not to call here and interrupt my Kung Fu!
- Saheed: That's right. Apollo slew the serpent at Delphi, which was a big-ass snake.
- Black Dynamite: And what, brothers, is the biggest snake in the world?
- Woman at table: The South American anaconda.
- Black Dynamite: What she said.
- Cream Corn, Saheed, Militant 2, Militant #3: Anaconda Malt Liquor!
- Black Dynamite: And what is the slogan for Anaconda Malt Liquor? Anaconda Malt Liquor gives you...
- Cream Corn, Saheed, Militant 2, Militant #3: WHOOOOO!
- Black Dynamite: Gives you what?
- Cream Corn, Saheed, Militant 2, Militant #3: WHOOOOO!
- Black Dynamite: And who else is famous for...
- Cream Corn, Saheed, Militant 2, Militant #3: WHOOOOO! Little Richard!
- Black Dynamite: Who?
- Cream Corn, Saheed, Militant 2, Militant #3: Little Richard!
- Black Dynamite: So, what they're really saying is...
- Cream Corn, Saheed, Militant 2, Militant #3: Anaconda Malt Liquor gives you... Little Richard?
- Black Dynamite: What is another word for Richard?
- [Black Dynamite crosses out 'Richard' on the blackboard. The gang look down on their pants]
- Cream Corn, Saheed, Militant 2, Militant #3: Gunsmoke!
- [the gang run out of the diner towards Gunsmoke's apartment]
- [Black Dynamite walks into the militant group's hideout]
- Black Dynamite: Excuse me, brothers.
- Militant #3: [Gets up] The militants turn, startled. This is private. How'd you get in here?
- Black Dynamite: I walked in.
- Militant 2: So you one of them sneaky brothers, huh? Or maybe you an undercover pig. Or maybe you just a federal hitman.
- Black Dynamite: If I was, you cats would already be dead. Now let me speak to the man in charge.
- Militant #3: Sarcastically, I'm in charge.
- [Exchanges hi-fives with the other militant]
- Black Dynamite: If you were in charge, the people might as well surrender to whitey right now, because your survival skills ain't worth a damn.
- Saheed: Black Dynamite.
- [Walks into the room]
- Saheed: It's been a long time, my brother.
- Black Dynamite: [Exchanging hi-fives with Saheed] What it is, Saheed?
- Militant 2: You know this Uncle Tom?
- Black Dynamite: Listen sucka, I'm blacker than the ace of spades and more militant than you and your whole damn army put together. While you out there, chanting at rallies and brow-beating politicians, I'm taking out any money-fronting sucka on a humble that gets in my way. So I tell you what, when your so called revolution starts, you call me, and I'll be right down front showing you how it's done. But until then, you need to SHUT the FUCK UP when grown folks is talking.
- Militant 2: I'm sorry.
- Saheed: Yeah, we heard about what went down at the Hip Pocket. That was righteous.
- Black Dynamite: That was personal, brother.
- Saheed: Personal or not, you saved a lot of brothers and sisters. You need our help,
- [pounds chest with right fist]
- Saheed: we're here.
- Black Dynamite: I can dig it.
- [Black Dynamite pulls the bullet casing from his pocket]
- Black Dynamite: What can you tell me about this?
- [Saheed takes the casing, sniffs the inside for gunpowder and licks the outer casing]
- Saheed: I ain't seen one of these in a while.
- [Black Dynamite and Saheed walk out of the room]
- Militant 2: [Whispers] I was gonna fuck him up.
- Black Dynamite: I'd like to take the credit, but dig, mama, there's no "i" in "revolutio...", in "team."
- Black Dynamite: I should have known it was you all the time. I should have asked myself, 'Who's the man so wicked, so cruel, that he could serve smack to the orphanage, kill my brother Jimmy, and put out a drug to shrink black men's dicks?' Only one man. That's you, Tricky Dick! So I'm here to deliver you one presidential ass-whupping!
- Richard Nixon: Black Dynamite, there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for that...
- [Nixon pulls his nunchucks out of a drawer and jumps on his desk]
- Richard Nixon: Showtime, motherfucker! Fucking think you can fuck with me, Black Dynamite? Who the fuck would stop me, piece of shit?
- Black Dynamite: Ain't nothin' in the world get Black Dynamite more mad than some jive ass sucka dealin' smack to the kids!
- Black Dynamite: Breathe deeply, baby.
- [places stethoscope on Nurse Jenny's chest]
- Nurse: Daddy, you make my heart beat.
- Black Dynamite: Yeah, Dr. Dynamite can hear that. But I think you're running a temperature. Let me see if I can find a thermometer for you.
- [unzips pants]
- Doctor: What the-? I told you urine sample, Nurse Jenny.
- [Nurse Jenny runs away]
- Doctor: Black Dynamite, I mean, really?
- Black Dynamite: Hey man, you sent her in here with them titties. What did you expect? How's my x-ray.
- Doctor: Well, no fragments. In and out. You're lucky, Black Dynamite. Three inches to the left and we wouldn't even be having this conversation.
- Black Dynamite: Three inches to the right, and it would've missed my black ass.
- Doctor: Well, you need a new line of work. This is the second time this year.
- Black Dynamite: I know, I know.
- Doctor: Why do I bother? There's no helping you.
- Black Dynamite: No, doc, you help me just fine. See you next time.