- Priest: Do you think God gives a damn about miniature donkeys, Colm?
- Colm Doherty: I fear he doesn't. And I fear that's where it's all gone wrong.
- Dominic Kearney: Howdo!
- Siobhan Súilleabháin: Jesus Christ, Dominic! Would you ever stop creeping up on people? You almost gave me a fecking heart attack!
- Dominic Kearney: I wasn't creeping up on ya. I was sliding up on ya.
- Siobhan Súilleabháin: Between you and that ghoul, Jesus!
- Dominic Kearney: I always call her a ghoul, too, because she is a ghoul. Jeez, we have a lot in common, don't we? Me and you. Calling old people ghouls and that. It's a great old lake, isn't it? I'm glad I caught you, actually. Because there was somethin' I was wantin' to ask ya, actually. And discovering how much we have in common... well, it just makes me want to ask you even more.
- Siobhan Súilleabháin: We don't have anything in common.
- Dominic Kearney: Don't skip ahead. But yeah, what I was wantin' to ask you was... Somethin' along the lines of... Should've planned this, really. Well, yeah, what I was wantin' to ask you was... You probably wouldn't ever want to, I don't know... to fall in love with a boy like me, would ya?
- Siobhan Súilleabháin: Dominic, I don't think so, love.
- Dominic Kearney: No, yeah, no. I was thinking no. Not even in the future, like? Like when I'm your age?
- [she nods negatively]
- Dominic Kearney: Yeah, no, I didn't think so. Just thought I'd ask on the off chance, you know... like "faint heart" and that. Well, there goes that dream. Well... I best go over there and do whatever that thing over there I was gonna do was.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: You used to be nice. Or did you never used to be? Oh, God. Maybe you never used to be.
- Colm Doherty: I do worry sometimes I might just be entertaining myself while staving off the inevitable.
- Dominic Kearney: Look at this I found. A stick with a hook. What would you use it for, I wonder. To hook things that are the length of a stick away?
- [last lines]
- Colm Doherty: Pádraic. Thanks for lookin' after me dog for me, anyways.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Anytime.
- Siobhan Súilleabháin: He won't be bothering you no more.
- Colm Doherty: That's a shame. That's the most interesting he's ever been. I think I like him again now.
- Dominic Kearney: What trouble are ya in with him?
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: He just... doesn't want to be friends with me any more.
- Dominic Kearney: What is he, twelve?
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: There's two of us in this!
- Colm Doherty: No, there isn't!
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: It takes two to tango.
- Colm Doherty: I don't want to tango.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: You were dancing with your dog...
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: So you'd rather be friends with this fella, would ya? A fella who beats his own son black and blue every night that's he's not fiddling with him.
- Dominic Kearney: I never told him that, daddy. He's just drunk now.
- Colm Doherty: Ah, well, I suppose niceness doesn't last then, does it, Padraic? But will I tell ya something that does last?
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: What? And don't say somethin' stupid like music.
- Colm Doherty: Music lasts.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Knew it!
- Colm Doherty: And paintings last. And poetry lasts.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: So does niceness.
- Colm Doherty: Do you know who we remember for how nice they was in the 17th century?
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Who?
- Colm Doherty: Absolutely no one. Yet we all remember the music of the time. Everyone, to a man, knows Mozart's name.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Well, I don't, so there goes that theory. And anyway, we're talkin' about niceness. Not what's his name. My mammy, she was nice. I remember her. And my daddy, he was nice. I remember him. And my sister, she's nice. I'll remember her. Forever I'll remember her.
- Colm Doherty: And who else will?
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Who else will what?
- Colm Doherty: Remember Siobhan and your niceness? No one will. In 50 years' time, no one will remember any of us. Yet the music of a man who lived two centuries ago...
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: "Yet" he says, like he's English.
- Siobhan Súilleabháin: Come home, Padraic.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: I don't give a feck about Mozart. Or Borvoven. Or any of them funny name feckers. I'm Pádraic Súilleabháin. And I'm nice.
- Siobhan Súilleabháin: I'll have a word with him, Colm. You don't need to do anything drastic. He won't be botherin' you no more.
- Colm Doherty: That's a shame. That's the most interesting he's even been. I think I like him again now.
- Siobhan Súilleabháin: It was the 18th century, anyway. Mozart. Not the 17th.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: I don't like to be chatting about these types of things, Dominic!
- Dominic Kearney: What types of things?
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Sisters with no clothes on!
- Dominic Kearney: You saw my daddy with no clothes on.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Till the day I die, I wish I hadn't.
- Dominic Kearney: Sure, don't I know it.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: [bursting into Colm's house] How are ya, fatty? Dancing with your dog, is it? Well who else is gonna dance with ya? Your poor dog has no say in the matter. And if you're too rude to be offering me a seat, I'll be taking one of me own accord!
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: [sits] How's that for an old hello?
- Colm Doherty: Have you gone fecking mental?
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Have I gone fecking mental? No I haven't gone fecking mental. Not only have I not gone fecking mental, but I have got ten fingers to prove I'm not fecking mental. How many fingers have you got to prove you're not fecking mental?
- Colm Doherty: Nine fingers.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Nine fingers is the epitome of mental.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: What's your tune called?
- Colm Doherty: The Banshees of Inisherin, I think.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: But, there are no banshees on Inisherin.
- Colm Doherty: I know, I just like the double S-H sounds.
- Siobhan Súilleabháin: Dear Padraic, I am safely ensconced in the mainland and, Padraic, it's lovely here. There's a river running past my window as I write, and the people already seem less bitter and mental. I'm not sure why, but I think it's 'cause a lot of them are from Spain. Mostly, I wanted to say there's a spare bed here for you, Padraic. And with the war almost over, I think there'd be work for ya here. Because there's nothing for you on Inisherin. Nothing but more bleakness and grudges and loneliness and spite and the slow passing of time until death. And sure, you can do that anywhere. So come, Padraic. Leave there.
- Colm Doherty: So, let's just call it quits and agree to go our separate ways, for good this time.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Your fat fingers killed me little donkey today. So, no, we won't call it quits. We'll call it the start.
- Colm Doherty: You're jokin' me.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Yeah, no. I'm not jokin' ya. So tomorrow, Sunday, God's day, around 2:00, I'm going to call up to your house and I'm gonna set fire to it, and hopefully you'll still be inside it. But I won't be checkin' either way. Just be sure and leave your dog outside. I've nothing against that gom. Or you can do whatever's in your power to stop me. To our graves we're taking this. To one of our graves, anyways.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: It's about your daddy.
- Declan: What about Daddy?
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Uh, bread van crashed into him.
- Declan: The bread van?
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Yeah. They said you'd best hurry home to him, lest he should die all alone.
- Declan: Die?
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Or get worse, all alone.
- Declan: This is impossible.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: It's not impossible. Bread vans crash into people all the time.
- Declan: I know! That's how me mammy died. If it's the same fecking bread van, I'll kill them.
- Mrs. McCormick: A death shall come to Inisherin afore the month is out.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: A death, huh?
- Mrs. McCormick: Maybe even two deaths.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Well, that'd be sad.
- Mrs. McCormick: We shall pray to the Lord 'tis neither you, nor poor Siobhan, will be either of them.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Well, is that a nice thing to be sayin'?
- Mrs. McCormick: I wasn't trying to be nice. I was trying to be accurate.
- Priest: I do not have impure thoughts about men. And how dare you say that about a man of the cloth?
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Do you know what you used to be?
- Colm Doherty: No, what did I used to be?
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Nice! You used to be nice! And now, do you know what you are? Not nice.
- Colm Doherty: Ah, well, I suppose niceness doesn't last then, does it?
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Now... if I've done somethin' to ya, just tell me what I've done to ya. And if I've said somethin' to ya or maybe if I've said somethin' when I was drunk and forgotten it. But I don't think I've said somethin' when I was drunk and I've forgotten it. But if I did, then tell me what it was. And I'll say sorry for that too Colm. With all me heart, I'll say sorry. Just stop running away from me like some fool of a moody school child.
- Colm Doherty: But you didn't say anything to me. And you didn't do anything to me.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Well that's what I was thinking, like.
- Colm Doherty: I just don't like ya no more.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: [hurt and disbelieving] You do like me.
- Colm Doherty: I don't.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: But you liked me yesterday.
- Colm Doherty: Oh, did I, yeah?
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: I thought you did...
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: What the hell was he hittin' you with?
- Dominic Kearney: A kettle was the final thing. I wouldn't minded, but for the spout.
- Priest: It isn't him you have the impure thoughts about, is it?
- Colm Doherty: Are you joking me? I mean, are you fecking joking me?
- Priest: People do have impure thoughts about men, too.
- Colm Doherty: Do you have impure thoughts about men, Father?
- Priest: I do not have impure thoughts about men. And how dare you say that about a man of the cloth?
- Colm Doherty: Well, you started it.
- Priest: Well, you can get out of my confessional right now, so you can. And I'm not forgiving you any of these things until the next time, so I'm not!
- Colm Doherty: Well, I better not be dying in the meantime then, eh, Father? I'll be pure fucked!
- Priest: You will be pure fucked! Yes, you will be pure fucked!
- Colm Doherty: I was too harsh yesterday.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Yesterday, he says! I know well you was too harsh yesterday.
- Colm Doherty: I just... I just have this tremendous sense of time slipping away on me, Padraic. And I think I need to spend the time I have left thinking and composing. Just trying not to listen to any more of the dull things you have to say for yourself. But I am sorry about it. I am, like.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Are you dying?
- Colm Doherty: No, I'm not dying.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: But then you have loads of time.
- Colm Doherty: For chatting?
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Aye.
- Colm Doherty: For aimless chatting?
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Not for aimless chatting. For good, normal chatting.
- Colm Doherty: So we'll keep aimlessly chatting and my life will keep on dwindling. And in 12 years, I'll die with nothin' to show for it, bar the chats I've had with a limited man, is that it?
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: I said, "not aimless chatting" I said "Good, normal chatting."
- Colm Doherty: The other night, two hours, you spent talking to me about the things you found in your little donkey's shite that day. Two hours, Padraic. I timed it.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Well it wasn't me little donkey's shite, was it? It was me pony's shite. Which shows how much you were listenin'.
- Colm Doherty: None of it helps me. Do you understand? None of it helps me.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: [after Colm leaves] We'll just talk about something else, then!
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: They don't think I'm dim or anything?
- Siobhan Súilleabháin: Dim? No.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: You don't seem very sure about it.
- Siobhan Súilleabháin: Of course, I'm sure about it.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Dominic's the dim one on the island, isn't he?
- Siobhan Súilleabháin: He is, aye. By miles.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Uh, hang on, by miles. And then, who's the next dimmest?
- Siobhan Súilleabháin: Well, I don't like to judge people in those terms now, do I?
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: In what terms?
- Siobhan Súilleabháin: In order of their dimness.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Well, I know you don't. And neither do I, do I? But try, like.
- Siobhan Súilleabháin: No! I won't try. There's enough judgy people on this fecking island, so no! You're not dim! You're a nice man, all right? So, move on!
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: I'm as clever as you, anyways. I know that at least.
- Siobhan Súilleabháin: Yeah, don't be fucking stupid.
- Siobhan Súilleabháin: You can't just all of a sudden stop being friends with a fella!
- Colm Doherty: Why can't I?
- Siobhan Súilleabháin: Why can't ya? Because it isn't nice.
- Mrs. O'Riordan: Letter came for ya.
- Siobhan Súilleabháin: Fell open, did it?
- Mrs. O'Riordan: Aye, in the heat, I suppose.
- Jonjo Devine: I don't think you're dull. And jeez, if I was to cut something off meself for every dull person that came in here, I'd only have me head left.
- Dominic Kearney: I used to think you were the nicest of them. Turns out you're just the same as them.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: I am the nicest of them.
- Siobhan Súilleabháin: Has he said somethin' to ya when he was drunk?
- Colm Doherty: No, I prefer him when he's drunk. It's all the rest of the time I have the problem with.
- Siobhan Súilleabháin: What's the fecking matter, then?
- Colm Doherty: He's dull, Siobhan.
- Siobhan Súilleabháin: He's what?
- Colm Doherty: He's dull.
- Siobhan Súilleabháin: But he's always been dull. What's changed?
- Colm Doherty: I've changed. I just don't have a place for dullness in me life anymore.
- Siobhan Súilleabháin: But you live on an island off the coast of Ireland, Colm. What the hell are you hoping for, like?
- Colm Doherty: For a bit of peace, Siobhan. That's all. For a bit of peace in me heart, like. You can understand that. Can't ya? Can't ya?
- Siobhan Súilleabháin: What do you need from him, Colm? To end all this?
- Colm Doherty: Silence, Siobhan. Just silence.
- Siobhan Súilleabháin: One more silent man on Inisherin, good-oh! Silence it is, so.
- Colm Doherty: This isn't about Inisherin. It's about one boring man leaving another man alone, that's all.
- Siobhan Súilleabháin: One boring man! You're all fucking boring! With your piddling grievances over nothin'! You're all fucking boring! I'll see he doesn't talk to you no more.
- Colm Doherty: Do. Else it'll be all four of them the next time, not just the one.
- Siobhan Súilleabháin: You're not serious. Well, that won't help your fecking music.
- Colm Doherty: Aye. We're gettin' somewhere now.
- Siobhan Súilleabháin: I think you might be ill, Colm.
- Dominic Kearney: Was you never wild?
- Siobhan Súilleabháin: Wild? Was I never wild? I don't know what you're talking about, Dominic. Wild how? Angry?
- Dominic Kearney: Not angry. Wild
- Siobhan Súilleabháin: You just keep saying wild, Dominic!
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Well, don't ask a man to call up to ya at your fecking house, so, like he has nothing better to do with his fecking time.
- Colm Doherty: I didn't ask you to call up to me at me house. And you do have nothing better to do with your fecking time.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Huh?
- Colm Doherty: You do have nothing better to do with your fecking time.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: I know I've nothing better to do with me fecking time, but there's better things I could be doing with me fecking time than to be calling up to ya at your house, Colm Doherty!
- Colm Doherty: Like what?
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Huh?
- Colm Doherty: Like what else could you be doin'?
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Reading.
- Colm Doherty: Reading, yeah? Me, this morning... this I wrote. Tomorrow, I'll write the second part of it. And the day after, I'll write the third part of it. And by Wednesday, there'll be a new tune in the world, which wouldn't have been there if I'd spent the week listening to your bollocks, Padraic Suilleabhain. So, do you want to take your pint outside, or do you want me to take my pint outside?
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: I'll take my pint outside, 'cause it's a shite tune anyways, I wouldn't bother with it.
- Dominic Kearney: If we sat next to Colm, the women would have to talk to us too, and then we could get at them with our small talk.
- Priest: Wouldn't you say punching a policeman is a sin?
- Colm Doherty: Ah here. If punching a policeman is a sin, we may as well just pack up and go home.
- Peadar Kearney: Aye. Off to the mainland in the morning I'm headin'. That's why I need the clean shirt, like. 'And why are you off to the mainland in the mornin', Peadar?' Oh, thanks for asking, Colm. I'll tell ya why. They've asked for extra manpower for a couple of the executions in case there's any kind of a to-do, like. Six bob and a free lunch they're payin' me. And sure I'd have gone for nothin'. I've always wanted to see an execution, haven't you? Although, I'd have preferred a hanging.
- Colm Doherty: Who are they executin'?
- Peadar Kearney: The Free State lads are executin' a couple of the IRA lads. Or is it the other way around? I find it hard to follow these days. Wasn't it so much easier when we was all on the same side, and it was just the English we was killin'? I think it was. I preferred it.
- Colm Doherty: But you don't care who's executin' who?
- Peadar Kearney: For six bob and a free lunch, I don't care! They could be executin' you. Why don't you come with me? You could write a miserable feckin' song about it. Nah, I'm only messin'.
- Colm Doherty: If you don't stop talkin' to me, and if you don't stop botherin' me, or sendin' your sister or your priest to bother me...
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: I didn't send me sister to bother you, did I? She has her own mind. Although, I did send the priest though, you have me there.
- Colm Doherty: What I've decided to do is this. I have a set of shears at home. And each time you bother me from this day on, I'll take those shears and I'll take one of me fingers off with them. And I'll give that finger to ya. A finger from me left hand. Me fiddle hand. And each day you bother me more, another I'll take off and I'll give ya until you see sense enough to stop. Or until I have no fingers left. Does this make things clearer to ya?
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Not really, no.
- Colm Doherty: Because I don't want to hurt your feelings, Padraic. I don't, like. But it feels like the drastic is the only option left open to me.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: You've loads of options left open to ya. How's fingers the first port of call?
- Colm Doherty: Please, don't talk to me no more, Padraic. Please. I'm begging you.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: But...
- Jonjo Devine: Shush, like, Padraic. Just, you know, shush, like.
- Gerry: Yeah, I'd shush, like.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: I will shush. Except me and me sister were thinking, you might just be a bit depressed, Colm. And I tell you this much, fingers just confirms it. Don't you think, Colm?
- Colm Doherty: Starting from now.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: I think.
- Jonjo Devine: Ah, you don't, Padraic.
- Gerry: You don't, Padraic.
- Jonjo Devine: Your sister does.
- Gerry: Your sister does, aye. Siobhan does.
- Jonjo Devine: You're more of a...
- Gerry: You're more of a... What is he?
- Jonjo Devine: You're more one of life's good guys.
- Gerry: You're more one of life's good guys, aye. Apart from when you're drunk.
- Jonjo Devine: Apart from when you're drunk, aye.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: I used to think that'd be a nice thing to be. One of life's good guys. And now, it sounds like the worst thing I ever heard.
- Jonjo Devine: Ah, don't take it like that, Padraic.
- Gerry: Don't take it like that, Padraic. We're on your side.
- Gerry: Are you rowing?
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: I didn't think we were rowing.
- Gerry: Well, you are rowing.
- Jonjo Devine: Well, you are rowing. He's sitting outside on his own like a whatchamacallit.
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: It does look like we're rowing.
- [first lines]
- Pádraic Súilleabháin: Colm? Are you coming out to the pub, Colm? It's two o' clock, like. Will I see you down there so? I'll see you down there so.
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