Zach Galifianakis credited as playing...
Alan
- Stu Price: She's got my grandmother's Holocaust ring!
- Alan Garner: I didn't know they gave out rings at the Holocaust.
- Alan Garner: Can I ask you another question?
- Lisa: Sure.
- Alan Garner: You probably get this a lot. This isn't the real Caesar's Palace is it?
- Lisa: What do you mean?
- Alan Garner: Did, umm... did Caesar live here?
- Lisa: No.
- Alan Garner: I didn't think so.
- Alan Garner: What if Doug's dead? I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.
- Phil Wenneck: How'd he die?
- Alan Garner: World War II.
- Phil Wenneck: Died in battle?
- Alan Garner: No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World War II.
- Alan Garner: Guys. Guys. What about the tiger? What if he got out?
- Phil Wenneck: Oh, fuck! I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger! How the fuck did he get in there?
- Stu Price: I don't know, because I don't remember.
- Phil Wenneck: Shh! Stu. Stu, keep it down.
- Alan Garner: One of the side effects of roofies is memory loss.
- Stu Price: You are literally too stupid to insult.
- Alan Garner: Thank you.
- Alan Garner: [looks at his manual] It says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter?
- Doug Billings: I don't think you should be doing too much gambling tonight, Alan.
- Alan Garner: Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.
- Stu Price: It's also illegal.
- Alan Garner: It's not illegal. It's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.
- Phil Wenneck: I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.
- Alan Garner: Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, bin Laden.
- Alan Garner: Hello. How 'bout that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City.
- [awkward laughter]
- Alan Garner: You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack... it grew by one. So there... there were two of us in the wolf pack... I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!
- Woman in Elevator: [looks at the baby] Oh, how cute. What's his name?
- Phil Wenneck: Ben.
- Alan Garner: Carlos.
- Alan Garner: It was a real pleasure meeting you.
- Melissa: Fuck off!
- Alan Garner: I'm thinking about getting my bartender's license.
- Melissa: Suck my dick.
- Alan Garner: No, thank you.
- Mr. Chow: You gonna fuck on me?
- Alan Garner: Nobody's gonna fuck on you! I'm on your side! I hate Godzilla! I hate him too! I hate him! He destroys cities! *Please*! This isn't your fault. I'll get you some pants.
- Alan Garner: [while picking up Phil at the school where he works] Did you have to park so close?
- Doug Billings: Yeah, what's wrong?
- Alan Garner: I shouldn't be here.
- Doug Billings: Why is that, Alan?
- Alan Garner: I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school... or a Chuck E. Cheese.
- Melissa: Why would you go to Las Vegas?
- Stu Price: 'Cause my best friend was getting married, and that's what guys do.
- Melissa: That's not what *you* do.
- Stu Price: Really? Well, then why did I do it? Huh? 'Cause I did it! Riddle me that! Why'd I do it? You know, sometimes I think all you want me to do is what you want me to do. Well, I'm sick of doing what you want me to do all the time. I think, in a healthy relationship, sometimes a guy should be able to do what he wants to do.
- Melissa: That is not how this works!
- Stu Price: Oh, good! Because whatever this is ain't workin' for me!
- Melissa: Oh, really? Since when?
- Stu Price: Since you fucked that waiter on your cruise last June! BOOM!
- Alan Garner: You told me it was a bartender.
- Stu Price: Oh! You're right. I stand corrected. It was a bartender. You fucked a bartender.
- Melissa: You're an idiot!
- Stu Price: You're a - You...
- [struggles]
- Stu Price: You're... such a bad person! Like, all the way through to your core!
- Phil Wenneck: Who's this?
- Doug Billings: It's Alan. Tracy's brother.
- Alan Garner: I met you like four times.
- Phil Wenneck: Oh, yeah. How you doing, man?
- Old Timer at Gas Station: [whistles at the Mercedes as Alan pumps gas] Boy, you've got a sweet ride there.
- Alan Garner: Don't touch it. Don't even look at it. Go on, get out. You heard me. Don't look at me, either.
- [the old man walks away]
- Alan Garner: Yeah. You better walk on...
- Phil Wenneck: [to Doug, inside the gas station] He's actually kind of funny.
- Doug Billings: Yeah, he means well.
- Alan Garner: [in the background] I'll hit an old man in public.
- Phil Wenneck: [after realizing that they have rescued the wrong Doug] GOD DAMN IT!
- Alan Garner: Gosh darn it!
- Phil Wenneck: SHIT!
- Alan Garner: Shoot!
- Phil Wenneck: Whose fucking baby is that?
- Stu Price: Alan, are you sure you didn't see anyone else in the suite?
- Alan Garner: Yeah, I checked all the rooms... no one's there. Check its collar or something.
- Alan Garner: Do you know if the hotel is pager friendly?
- Lisa: What do you mean?
- Alan Garner: I'm not getting a sig' on my beeper.
- Lisa: I'm not sure.
- Alan Garner: Is there a payphone bank? Buncha payphones? Business.
- Lisa: Umm, there's a phone in your room...
- Alan Garner: That'll work.
- Stu Price: That is not Doug.
- Mr. Chow: What're you talking about, Willis? That him!
- Stu Price: No, I'm sorry, Mr. Chow, that's not our friend, he... it's...
- Alan Garner: The Doug we're looking for is a white.
- [last lines]
- Doug Billings: We look at these pictures together, OK? One time. And then we delete the evidence.
- Stu Price: I say we delete it right now.
- Phil Wenneck: Are you nuts? I want to find out how I went to the hospital. Is that in there?
- Alan Garner: Yeah it's in there!
- Doug Billings: Guys, one time. Deal?
- Phil Wenneck: Deal!
- Stu Price: Deal.
- Alan Garner: OK.
- [the four of them look into the camera]
- Stu Price: Oh dear Lord!
- Alan Garner: That's classic!
- Phil Wenneck: You're not really wearing that are you?
- Alan Garner: Wearing what?
- Phil Wenneck: The man purse. You actually gonna wear that or are you guys just fuckin' with me?
- Alan Garner: It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it's not a purse, it's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.
- Phil Wenneck: So does Joy Behar.