Bradley Cooper credited as playing...
Phil
- Alan Garner: What if Doug's dead? I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.
- Phil Wenneck: How'd he die?
- Alan Garner: World War II.
- Phil Wenneck: Died in battle?
- Alan Garner: No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World War II.
- Alan Garner: Guys. Guys. What about the tiger? What if he got out?
- Phil Wenneck: Oh, fuck! I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger! How the fuck did he get in there?
- Stu Price: I don't know, because I don't remember.
- Phil Wenneck: Shh! Stu. Stu, keep it down.
- Alan Garner: One of the side effects of roofies is memory loss.
- Stu Price: You are literally too stupid to insult.
- Alan Garner: Thank you.
- Alan Garner: [looks at his manual] It says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter?
- Doug Billings: I don't think you should be doing too much gambling tonight, Alan.
- Alan Garner: Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.
- Stu Price: It's also illegal.
- Alan Garner: It's not illegal. It's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.
- Phil Wenneck: I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.
- Alan Garner: Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, bin Laden.
- Woman in Elevator: [looks at the baby] Oh, how cute. What's his name?
- Phil Wenneck: Ben.
- Alan Garner: Carlos.
- Phil Wenneck: The Best Little Chapel... do you know where that is?
- Dr. Valsh: I do, it's at the corner of get a map and fuck off. I'm a doctor, not a tour guide.
- Phil Wenneck: [a kid tries to ask him a question at school] It's the weekend, Budnick. I don't know you. You do not exist.
- Phil Wenneck: Who's this?
- Doug Billings: It's Alan. Tracy's brother.
- Alan Garner: I met you like four times.
- Phil Wenneck: Oh, yeah. How you doing, man?
- Officer Franklin: [to a group of schoolchildren] Ok, kids, you're in for a real treat today. These gentlemen have kindly volunteered to demonstrate how a stun gun is used to subdue a suspect... Now, there's two ways to use a stun gun: up close and personal
- [tasers Stu in the neck; Stu collapses]
- Officer Franklin: ... or you can shoot it from a distance. Now, do I have any volunteers? You want to come up here and do some shooting, huh? Alright. How about you, young lady? Come on up here.
- Officer Franklin: Alright. Let's go, handsome. Come on.
- [Alan steps forward]
- Officer Franklin: Not you, fat Jesus. Slide it on back.
- [to Phil]
- Officer Franklin: You, pretty boy.
- Officer Franklin: [to girl] Alright. Now, it's real simple. All you got to do is point, aim and shoot. Alright?
- Phil Wenneck: You don't really want to do this.
- Officer Franklin: You can do this. Just focus.
- Phil Wenneck: Don't listen to this maniac. Let's think this thing through.
- Officer Franklin: *Finish him!*
- [the girl tasers Phil]
- Officer Franklin: Right in the nuts! That was beautiful! Well done! Giver her a hand, everybody. Good job! Well done! Good job! That was great!
- Officer Franklin: Look, hey, we got one more charge left. Anybody want to do some shooting up here? How about you, big man? Come on up here. Okay, same instructions: just point, aim and shoot. There y'go. That's the stuff. I like the intensity, eye of the tiger. You're holding 50,000 volts, little man. Don't be afraid to ride the lightning.
- [the kid tasers Alan]
- Officer Franklin: *In the face! In the face!*
- Phil Wenneck: [while driving a squad car on the sidewalk and using the loudspeaker] Ma'am, in the leopard dress, you have an amazing rack.
- [to himself]
- Phil Wenneck: I should have been a fucking cop.
- Melissa: I just wish your friends were as mature as you.
- Stu Price: They are mature, actually. You just have to get to know them better.
- Phil Wenneck: [yells from outside] Paging Dr. Faggot. Dr. Faggot!
- Stu Price: I should go.
- Melissa: That's a good idea, Dr. Faggot.
- Old Timer at Gas Station: [whistles at the Mercedes as Alan pumps gas] Boy, you've got a sweet ride there.
- Alan Garner: Don't touch it. Don't even look at it. Go on, get out. You heard me. Don't look at me, either.
- [the old man walks away]
- Alan Garner: Yeah. You better walk on...
- Phil Wenneck: [to Doug, inside the gas station] He's actually kind of funny.
- Doug Billings: Yeah, he means well.
- Alan Garner: [in the background] I'll hit an old man in public.
- Phil Wenneck: [after realizing that they have rescued the wrong Doug] GOD DAMN IT!
- Alan Garner: Gosh darn it!
- Phil Wenneck: SHIT!
- Alan Garner: Shoot!
- Phil Wenneck: Tracy, it's Phil.
- Tracy Garner: Phil, where the hell are you guys? I'm freaking out.
- Phil Wenneck: Yeah, listen, uh... we fucked up.
- Tracy Garner: What are you talking about?
- Phil Wenneck: The bachelor party. The whole night. It's... Things got out of control and, uh... we lost Doug.
- Tracy Garner: What?
- Phil Wenneck: We can't find Doug.
- Tracy Garner: What are you saying, Phil? We're getting married in *five hours*.
- Phil Wenneck: Yeah... that's not gonna happen.
- Phil Wenneck: Whose fucking baby is that?
- Stu Price: Alan, are you sure you didn't see anyone else in the suite?
- Alan Garner: Yeah, I checked all the rooms... no one's there. Check its collar or something.
- [last lines]
- Doug Billings: We look at these pictures together, OK? One time. And then we delete the evidence.
- Stu Price: I say we delete it right now.
- Phil Wenneck: Are you nuts? I want to find out how I went to the hospital. Is that in there?
- Alan Garner: Yeah it's in there!
- Doug Billings: Guys, one time. Deal?
- Phil Wenneck: Deal!
- Stu Price: Deal.
- Alan Garner: OK.
- [the four of them look into the camera]
- Stu Price: Oh dear Lord!
- Alan Garner: That's classic!
- Phil Wenneck: You're not really wearing that are you?
- Alan Garner: Wearing what?
- Phil Wenneck: The man purse. You actually gonna wear that or are you guys just fuckin' with me?
- Alan Garner: It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it's not a purse, it's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.
- Phil Wenneck: So does Joy Behar.
- Alan Garner: Hey guys, when's the next Halley's comet?
- Phil Wenneck: Who cares, man.
- Alan Garner: Do you know Stu?
- Stu Price: I don't think it's for like another sixty years or something.
- Alan Garner: But it's not tonight right?
- Stu Price: No I don't think so.
- Alan Garner: But you don't know for sure? I have this cousin Marcus who saw one he said it blew his mind I want to make sure I never ever miss out on a Halley's comet.
- Alan Garner: Hey, Phil, look.
- [laughs hysterically while miming the baby masturbating]
- Alan Garner: He's jackin' his little weenis.
- Phil Wenneck: [laughs a little] Pull yourself together, bro.
- Alan Garner: [stops the baby] Not at the table, Carlos.