Chloë Grace Moretz credited as playing...
Carolyn Stoddard
- Carolyn Stoddard: [sees Barnabas for the first time] Are you stoned or something?
- Barnabas Collins: They tried stoning me, my dear. It did not work.
- [to Willie]
- Barnabas Collins: When did they start allowing women of the night on the estate grounds?
- Carolyn Stoddard: I don't feel comfortable discussing this with you.
- Barnabas Collins: Do not fear, my child. I simply seek advice on the art of courting a woman of this time... Land. And who better to tutor me than a woman of your age? What is your age, if I may?
- Carolyn Stoddard: Fifteen.
- Barnabas Collins: Fifteen and no husband. You must put those birthing hips to good use at once lest your womb shrivel up and die.
- Carolyn Stoddard: You're weird.
- Barnabas Collins: But do you think me too weird for a woman of this... land?
- Carolyn Stoddard: You obviously mean Vicky.
- Barnabas Collins: She has the most fertile birthing hips I have ever laid eyes upon.
- Carolyn Stoddard: You're way too weird.
- Barnabas Collins: Do you really think so?
- Carolyn Stoddard: You're all stiff, proper and old-fashioned.
- Barnabas Collins: And Victoria... Is she not proper?
- Carolyn Stoddard: She likes to pretend she's rock 'n' roll. She's a Carpenters kind of chick for sure.
- Barnabas Collins: Do you mean to say that she has a penchant for woodworkers?
- Carolyn Stoddard: The Carpenters are musicians, stupid.
- Barnabas Collins: Ah, music. Yes, I'm rather fond of the music of the day. "I am a picker, I am a grinner / I am a lover and I am a sinner / I play my music in the sun" If only Shakespeare had been as eloquent.
- Carolyn Stoddard: Okay. If you wanna get with her, you're gonna have to change your approach. Drop the whole weird Swinging London thing and hang out with a few normal people.
- Carolyn Stoddard: [about the planned ball] I have to hand it to you. This is a happening. I guess the only thing missing is Alice Cooper.
- Barnabas Collins: Perhaps you should go and acquaint yourself with the evening's entertainment.
- [At the ball, he sees who Alice Cooper really is]
- Barnabas Collins: ...ugliest woman I've ever seen.
- Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: Children, get away from that man!
- David Collins: He said his name was Barnabas Collins.
- Carolyn Stoddard: And I'm pretty sure he called me a hooker.
- David Collins: Carolyn touches herself. She makes noises like a kitten.
- Carolyn Stoddard: [to David] You little shit!
- Carolyn Stoddard: Leave us alone!
- Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: Carolyn? Carolyn, my God!
- Carolyn Stoddard: I'm a werewolf, okay? Let's not make a big deal out of it.
- Carolyn Stoddard: [about Barnabas] He's not staying with us forever, is he?
- David Collins: I like him.
- Barnabas Collins: I seek advice on the art of courting a woman of this time.
- Carolyn Stoddard: You obviously mean Vicky.
- Barnabas Collins: She has the most fertile birthing hips I've ever set eyes upon.
- Carolyn Stoddard: You're weird.
- Barnabas Collins: [mistakenly flattered] You really think so?
- Carolyn Stoddard: You're all stiff and proper and old-fashioned.
- Barnabas Collins: And Victoria? Is she not proper?
- Carolyn Stoddard: She likes to pretend she's rock'n'roll, but she's a Carpenters kind of chick for sure.
- Barnabas Collins: Do you mean to say that she has a penchant for woodworkers?
- Carolyn Stoddard: The Carpenters are musicians, stupid.
- Barnabas Collins: Ahhh, music... Yes, I'm rather fond of the music of the day. "I'm a picker, I'm a grinner, I'm a lover and I'm a sinner. I play my music in the sun."