Body Armour

I'm a basic fella, I see Chazz Palminteri, Til Schweiger and a phook off Baretta on the poster and I watch! 'Body Armor' (2007)is an old school, Teflon-tough, cheese-loaded, pleasingly 90s flavoured actioner. Handsomely lithe Til plays darkly brooding retired bodyguard John Ridley, who, through a crude twist of fate is hired to protect his arch nemesis Lee Maxwell (Chazz Palminteri), a merciless contract killer seeking redemption. Outside of the surprisingly muscular action, my main fascination with 'Body Armor' is the fearlessly formulaic text which genuinely appears to be fashioned entirely from recycled dialogue!!!! With the sole, glaring omission of 'I'm getting too old for this!' the purloined prose has been brazenly lifted from some of the more prosaic examples of Seagal's oeuvre! So I would strongly advise against embarking upon a drinking game generously toasting each heroically hackneyed exchange, as you will be mortally medicated midway through the first act, mayte!

If you still appreciate the kinetic, hyper-stylized shenanigans of a superfluously sleek, Olivier Megaton-helmed EuropaCorp style shoot 'em up, Gerry Lively's boisterously Baretta-blasted 'Body Armour' is well worth a shot! The ravishing Barcelona backdrop and dynamically driving score by Jose Mora are the film's more notable highlights. Objectively, 'Body Armor' is not without its flaws, and both actors are plainly aware of that fact, but, personally, I enjoy this kind of barnstormingly escapist brain-melt to noisily distract myself from an increasingly monotonous reality, which it does rather well. As an aside, I could see powerhouse director Isaac Florentine fashioning a zesty upgrade of this with a menacingly grizzled JCVD as the remorseful ex-assassin Lee, and pyrotechnical pugilist Scott Adkins as his fleet-fisted antagonist Ridley.

I have yet to read a single positive review for this film anywhere, most people say it's clichéd, predictable, and stupid with a done-to-death plot, and it kinda is, but that dosen't mean it's not a hell of a lot of fun. Palinteri does a pretty good job, though he's played this type of role so many times he could do it in his sleep, and Schweiger's not much of an actor, so it's fortunate that he dosen't try and stretch himself too much here, the rest of the cast is pretty average. When it comes to action however, this film really delivers, Gerry Lively certainly lives it up to his last name, as the actions scenes are indeed lively and entertaining and they easily make up for the weak story and mostly average performances, all in all i'd say it's a 6 out of 10.

Til Schweiger plays John Ridley, former bodyguard to a US presidential candidate, who retires after royally screwing up and getting his client killed. Three years later he's persuaded to come out of retirement for 'one last job', only to find his new client is Lee Maxwell (Chazz Palminteri) - the hitman who killed the presidential candidate. Ridley's job is to keep Maxwell alive long enough for him to inform against the Russian (I think) mob, all the while controlling his desire to kill him himself.

This film is so bad it crosses that fine line into 'entertaining'. First, as far as bodyguarding goes this really is amateur hour:

Ridley (to a colleague on the candidate's security detail); 'Where's your body armour?' Colleague; 'Ah, I didn't bother, it's too hot'.

Wow, wonder what's going to happen to *that* guy...

And,

Ridley (when said colleague is injured, leaving Ridley as the *only* agent with the candidate); 'I can't help him. It may be a ploy to draw us out.' Presidential candidate; 'If you don't help him, he may die. Can you live with that?' Ridley; 'Okay, you wait here.'

Those aren't spoilers; they both occur in the first five minutes!

It doesn't get better. A squad of bad guys in balaclavas and carrying assault rifles, and bodyguards brandishing twin pistols - in full view of *everyone* in a crowded nightclub - don't cause *any* panic until they actually start shooting?

The plot is about as original as a Steven Seagal movie, but with even more laughable decision-making and cliched dialogue. Actually, I could totally see this with JCVD as Ridley, and the bloated Buddha himself as Maxwell. Not that that's ever going to happen.

As an action flick, 3/10; as a laugh, 7/10! Averages out at...

5/10.

This movie is a waste. A waste of time, a waste of money and a waste of the actors involved.

Chazz Palminteri has delivered a few really good performances in his career, a few excellent ones and Til Schweiger while not the greatest actor can usually do a well enough job.

Not in this movie, with this script, with this dialogue.

One more thing, one of the other reviewers has called this a typical Euro-Movie and that is complete nonsense.

If any, it is an untypical Euro movie as it has no aspirations at all.

Anyone who has any knowledge about European cinema would laugh at a classification like that.

Not going to waste more time on this, just to say it is genuinely one of the worst films I've seen.

18 minutes in we get the dramatic uttering 'This matter needs to be dealt with swiftly, and with the utmost urgency'. That kind of sets the scene for the quality of dialog to come. And the acting is worse.

If you read this review before seeing the movie, save yourself.

I'm afraid to say I watched most of it, but only in that 'watching a slow motion train wreck' kind of way. It was genuinely bad. So bad you cant look away.

And now the review helper says my review is too short. How much more of my life must I waste on this horror?