- [the Simpsons are being placed in the Federal Witness Protection Program]
- FBI Man #1: Tell you what, sir, from now on, you'll be Homer Thompson at Terror Lake. Let's just practice a bit, hmm? When I say "hello, Mr. Thompson", you'll say "hi".
- Homer: Check!
- FBI Man #1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
- [Homer stares blankly]
- FBI Man #1: Remember now, your name is Homer Thompson.
- Homer: I gotcha.
- FBI Man #1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
- [again Homer stares blankly]
- FBI Man #1: [FBI men stare at each other]
- [hours pass by]
- FBI Man #1: [frustrated] Argh... Now when I say "hello, Mr. Thompson" and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
- Homer: No problem.
- FBI Man #1: [stepping hard on Homer's foot] Hello, Mr. Thompson.
- Homer: [stares blankly again for a few seconds, then whispers to the other FBI man] I think he's talking to you.
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: What about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say die Bart die?
- Sideshow Bob: No, that's German
- [unveils tattoo]
- Sideshow Bob: for 'The Bart The'.
- Woman on Parole Board: No one who speaks German could be an evil man.
- Homer: Hey, kids! Want to drive through that cactus patch?
- Bart: Yeah!
- Lisa: Yeah!
- Sideshow Bob: [underneath car] No!
- Homer: Well, two against one!
- [drives through cactus field]
- Sideshow Bob: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
- Bart: Take him away, boys.
- Chief Wiggum: Hey, I'm the chief here. Bake him away, toys.
- Lou: What'd you say, Chief?
- Chief Wiggum: Do what the kid says.
- Lisa: Hey, a letter from my pen-pal, Anya.
- Anya: [reading, Anya narrates] Dear Lisa, as I write this, I am very sad. Our President has been overthrown and...
- [Voice changes]
- General Krull: ...replaced, by the benevolent General Krull. All hail Krull, and his glorious regime! Sincerly, little girl.
- [Bart has difficulty sleeping, his bedroom door opens, a sharp knife appears and man charges into the room casting a scary shadow on the ceiling]
- Homer: [holding a large knife upside-down] BARTYOUWANTSOMEBROWNIEBEFOREYOUGOTOBED?
- Bart Simpson: [screames] AAAAAHHHHH!
- Homer: [kneels down and scary shadow disappears] Come on, let me cut you a brownie while they're still hot.
- Bart Simpson: [as Homer cuts the brownies] Dad, I'm kinda edgy right now. I'd appreciate you not coming into my room screaming and brandishing the butcher knife.
- Homer: [stops cutting the brownies] Why?
- [Homer looks at the large knife he is holding]
- Homer: Oh, right. The *Sideshow Bob* thing, oh I'm sorry boy.
- [Homer kisses Bart and leaves the room. Seconds later, Homer bursts into the room again wearing a white hockey mask and holding a switched on electric chainsaw, which he holds up]
- Homer: BARTYOUWANTTOSEEMYNEWCHAINSAWANDHOCKEYMASK?
- Bart Simpson: [screams louder] AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
- Homer: [turning off the chainsaw and lifting the hockey mask] Oh, sorry. What am I thinking?
- [Homer kisses Bart and leaves the room]
- Sideshow Bob: Now, Bart, any last requests?
- Bart Simpson: [sees a sign that says "Springfield 15 Mi" pass behind Bob, decides to buy himself some time] Well, there was one, but... Naah, forget it.
- Sideshow Bob: No, go on.
- Bart Simpson: It's just that you have such a beautiful voice...
- Sideshow Bob: Guilty as charged.
- Bart Simpson: Uh huh. Anyway, I was wondering if you could sing the entire score of the "H.M.S. Pinafore".
- Sideshow Bob: Very well, Bart. I shall send you to Heaven before I send you to hell. and a 1 and a 2 and
- [singing]
- Sideshow Bob: "We sail the ocean blue, and our saucy ship's a beauty. We are sober men and true, and attentive to our duty..."
- [later]
- Sideshow Bob: "I'm called Little Buttercup, poor Little Buttercup, thugh I could never tell why..."
- [later]
- Sideshow Bob: ..."What never?" "No never." "What never?" "Hardly ever!"
- [with Bart]
- Sideshow Bob, Bart Simpson: "he's hardly ever sick at sea..."
- [later]
- Sideshow Bob: "... For he himself has said it, and it's clearly to his credit, that he is an Englishman. He remai-hains ah-han Eh-heh-heh-heh-heh-hengLISHman!"
- [Homer receives a death threat letter written in blood]
- Homer: Oh my God! Someone's trying to kill me! Oh, wait, it's for Bart.
- Marge: You awful man! Stay away from my son!
- Sideshow Bob: [menacing] Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right! Stay away... FOREVER!
- Homer: Oh, no!
- Sideshow Bob: Wait a minute. That's no good.
- [walks away, then runs back]
- Sideshow Bob: Wait, I've got a good one now! Marge, say "stay away from my son" again.
- Marge: No!
- Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, it's Up Late With McBain! I'm your host, Corporal Obengruppenfuhrer Wolfcastle. And now, here's McBain!
- [McBain walks out on stage]
- Rainer Wolfcastle: Ja, thank you, ja. Let's hear it for my music guy, Skoey. That's some outfit, Skoey. It makes you look like a homosexual.
- [audience boos]
- Rainer Wolfcastle: Well, maybe you all are homosexuals, too.
- [audience boos]
- Radio DJ: All right, this next song is dedicated to Bart Simpson, with the message "I am coming to kill you slowly and painfully."
- [Wipe Out begins playing]
- Bart Simpson: What do you want?
- Sideshow Bob: Surely there's no harm in laying in the middle of a public street.
- [Bob is subsequently trampled by an oncoming parade, which includes several elephants]
- Sideshow Bob: Not the elephants!
- Police Chief Wiggum: You're under arrest, Sideshow Bob!
- Sideshow Bob: BY LUCIFER'S BEARD!
- Police Chief Wiggum: Uh... Yeah. It's a good thing you drifted by this brothel!
- Selma: Sideshow Bob tried to kill me on our honeymoon.
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: How many people in this court are thinking of killing her right now?
- [a few people raise their hands]
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: Be honest...
- [everyone raises their hand; a man gasps when he notices Patty]
- Patty: Ah, she's always leaving the toilet seat up.
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: Robert, if released, would you pose any threat to one Bart Simpson?
- Sideshow Bob: Bart Simpson?
- [chuckles]
- Sideshow Bob: The spirited little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes and sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hellhole?
- Parole Board Officer: Uh, we object to the term "urine-soaked hellhole", when you could have said "pee-pee soaked heckhole."
- Sideshow Bob: Cheerfully withdrawn.
- [after writing a death threat to Bart in blood, Bob starts writing another letter with his bleeding finger]
- Sideshow Bob: "Dear 'Life in These United States,' a funny thing happened to me...?
- [as his finger bleeds freely, he sways, woozy, and collapses onto the desk]
- Snake: Use a pen, Sideshow Bob.
- Marge: [looking at Bart's collection of death threats] Hmm, this one's done in different handwriting.
- Homer Simpson: Oh, uh, I wrote that one, after Bart somehow put this tattoo on my butt.
- [Homer drops his pants, revealing a "wide load" tattoo on his rear end. Everyone laughs]
- Nelson: [outside the window] Ha ha!
- Bart: But who'd want to hurt me? I'm this century's Dennis The Menace.
- Homer Simpson: It's probably the person you least suspect.
- Lisa: That's good, Dad.
- Grampa: I say we call Matlock. He'll find the culprit! It's probably that evil Gavin MacLeod or George Guberlindsey.
- Bart: Grandpa, Matlock's not real.
- Grampa: Neither are my teeth, but I can still eat corn on the cob, if someone cuts it off and smushes it into a fine paste. Now that's good eatin'!
- [getting death threat letters has made Bart paranoid on his way to school]
- Marge: [menacingly, with large scissors] Bart... I'm going to GET you...
- [brightly, clipping coupons]
- Marge: ...some ice cream at the store since I'm saving so much money on Diet Cola.
- [Bart walks down the street]
- Ned Flanders: [menacingly, wearing a Freddy Kruger razor glove] Say your prayers, Simpson...
- [brightly]
- Ned Flanders: ...because the schools can't force you like they should.
- [to Maude]
- Ned Flanders: Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church.
- [Bart enters class]
- Mrs. Krabappel: [menacingly] You're going to be my murder victim, Bart...
- [brightly]
- Mrs. Krabappel: ...in our school production of Lizzy Borden, starring Martin Prince as Lizzy.
- [Martin is wearing a dress and a wig, wielding an axe]
- Martin Prince: Forty whacks with a wet noodle, Bart.
- [last lines]
- Marge: [as the car pulls up in front of the house] It's so good to be home again.
- Grampa Simpson: [who has somehow become a woman complete with long hair and lipstick, rushes towards the car] Look what happened without my pills!
- Marge: [gasps] Bart! Run upstairs, get Grampa's medicine!
- Jasper Beardly: [appears, dressed in his finest] Not so fast.
- [Jasper takes his hat off and takes out a bunch of flowers and hands them to Abe]
- Jasper Beardly: I wanna court this fair young maiden.
- [the screen fades out in a heart shape and the credits roll]
- Grampa Simpson: [to Jasper] There's something you should know about me.
- Jasper Beardly: I've got Steve and Edie tickets.
- Grampa Simpson: I'm all yours.
- [Abe kisses Jasper]
- Singers: [parody of The Simpsons opening, as the Simpsons assume their new identity] The Thompsons.
- Lisa: [Lisa thinks she might know who's been threatening Bart] Who's someone you've been making irritating phone calls to for years?
- Bart Simpson: Linda Lavin?
- Lisa: No, someone who *didn't* deserve it.
- [alternate ending]
- Jasper Beardly: [appears dressed in his finest] Not so fast.
- [Jasper takes his hat off and offers a bunch of flowers to Abe]
- Jasper Beardly: Hey, wait till the canoe.
- [Abe and Jasper are in a canoe sailing down the river]
- Jasper Beardly: [singing] It won't be a stylish marriage.
- Grampa Simpson: [singing] We can't afford a carriage.
- Jasper Beardly: [singing] But you'll look sweet.
- Jasper Beardly: [singing] Upon the seat
- Jasper Beardly, Grampa Simpson: [singing] of a bicycle built for two. Of a bicycle built for two.
- Chief Wiggum: Sideshow Bob has no decency. He called me Chief Piggum!
- [everybody in court house laughs]
- Chief Wiggum: Oh wait, I get it, he's all right.
- Announcer: [Opening scene, Bart and Lisa are watching TV] Ladies and gentlemen, it's Up Late With McBain. I'm your announcer, Obergruppenfuehrer Wolfcastle. And here's McBain!
- Rainer Wolfcastle: Ja. Thank you. Ja. That's nice. Let's say hello to my music guy, Scoey.
- [studio audience cheering and applauding]
- Rainer Wolfcastle: That is some outfit, Scoey. It makes you look like a homosexual.
- Rainer Wolfcastle: [studio audience booing] Oh. Maybe you all are homosexuals too.
- Bart: This is horrible. The Fox network has sunk to a new low.
- FBI Man #2: We have places your family can hide in peace and security. Cape Fear, Terror Lake, New Horrorfield, Screamville.
- Homer: Ooh! Ice Cream-Ville!
- FBI Man #2: No, Screamville.
- Homer: AAH!
- Milhouse Van Houten: [to Bart] I checked around. The girls are calling you "fatty fat fat fat" and Nelson's planning to pull down your pants, but nobody's trying to kill ya.
- Bart Simpson: Oh, that's good.
- [Nelson pulls down Bart's pants]
- Girls: [pointing and singing] Fatty fat fat fat! Fatty fatty fat fat!
- FBI Man #1: Don't worry, Mrs. Simpson. We've helped hundreds of people in danger. We'll give you a new name, a new job, new identities.
- Homer: Ooh! I wanna be John Elway!
- [dissolve to Homer's daydream as a football player wearing old-fashioned leather uniforms while all the others wear modern football uniforms]
- Announcer: Elway takes the snap and runs it in for a touchdown! Thanks to Elway's patented last-second magic, the final score of Super Bowl XXX, Denver - 7, San Francisco - 56.
- Homer: [back to reality] Woohoo!