The Simpsons (TV Series)
Cape Feare (1993)
Harry Shearer: Ned Flanders, Scratchy, McBain, Jasper Beardly, Radio DJ, Parole Judge, Persuasive Man, First FBI Man, Football Announcer
Quotes
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[the Simpsons are being placed in the Federal Witness Protection Program]
FBI Man #1 : Tell you what, sir, from now on, you'll be Homer Thompson at Terror Lake. Let's just practice a bit, hmm? When I say "hello, Mr. Thompson", you'll say "hi".
Homer : Check!
FBI Man #1 : Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[Homer stares blankly]
FBI Man #1 : Remember now, your name is Homer Thompson.
Homer : I gotcha.
FBI Man #1 : Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[again Homer stares blankly]
FBI Man #1 : [FBI men stare at each other]
[hours pass by]
FBI Man #1 : [frustrated] Argh... Now when I say "hello, Mr. Thompson" and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
Homer : No problem.
FBI Man #1 : [stepping hard on Homer's foot] Hello, Mr. Thompson.
Homer : [stares blankly again for a few seconds, then whispers to the other FBI man] I think he's talking to you.
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Announcer : Ladies and gentlemen, it's Up Late With McBain! I'm your host, Corporal Obengruppenfuhrer Wolfcastle. And now, here's McBain!
[McBain walks out on stage]
Rainer Wolfcastle : Ja, thank you, ja. Let's hear it for my music guy, Skoey. That's some outfit, Skoey. It makes you look like a homosexual.
[audience boos]
Rainer Wolfcastle : Well, maybe you all are homosexuals, too.
[audience boos]
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Radio DJ : All right, this next song is dedicated to Bart Simpson, with the message "I am coming to kill you slowly and painfully."
[Wipe Out begins playing]
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[getting death threat letters has made Bart paranoid on his way to school]
Marge : [menacingly, with large scissors] Bart... I'm going to GET you...
[brightly, clipping coupons]
Marge : ...some ice cream at the store since I'm saving so much money on Diet Cola.
[Bart walks down the street]
Ned Flanders : [menacingly, wearing a Freddy Kruger razor glove] Say your prayers, Simpson...
[brightly]
Ned Flanders : ...because the schools can't force you like they should.
[to Maude]
Ned Flanders : Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church.
[Bart enters class]
Mrs. Krabappel : [menacingly] You're going to be my murder victim, Bart...
[brightly]
Mrs. Krabappel : ...in our school production of Lizzy Borden, starring Martin Prince as Lizzy.
[Martin is wearing a dress and a wig, wielding an axe]
Martin Prince : Forty whacks with a wet noodle, Bart.
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[last lines]
Marge : [as the car pulls up in front of the house] It's so good to be home again.
Grampa Simpson : [who has somehow become a woman complete with long hair and lipstick, rushes towards the car] Look what happened without my pills!
Marge : [gasps] Bart! Run upstairs, get Grampa's medicine!
Jasper Beardly : [appears, dressed in his finest] Not so fast.
[Jasper takes his hat off and takes out a bunch of flowers and hands them to Abe]
Jasper Beardly : I wanna court this fair young maiden.
[the screen fades out in a heart shape and the credits roll]
Grampa Simpson : [to Jasper] There's something you should know about me.
Jasper Beardly : I've got Steve and Edie tickets.
Grampa Simpson : I'm all yours.
[Abe kisses Jasper]
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[alternate ending]
Jasper Beardly : [appears dressed in his finest] Not so fast.
[Jasper takes his hat off and offers a bunch of flowers to Abe]
Jasper Beardly : Hey, wait till the canoe.
[Abe and Jasper are in a canoe sailing down the river]
Jasper Beardly : [singing] It won't be a stylish marriage.
Grampa Simpson : [singing] We can't afford a carriage.
Jasper Beardly : [singing] But you'll look sweet.
Jasper Beardly : [singing] Upon the seat
Jasper Beardly , Grampa Simpson : [singing] of a bicycle built for two. Of a bicycle built for two.
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Announcer : [Opening scene, Bart and Lisa are watching TV] Ladies and gentlemen, it's Up Late With McBain. I'm your announcer, Obergruppenfuehrer Wolfcastle. And here's McBain!
Rainer Wolfcastle : Ja. Thank you. Ja. That's nice. Let's say hello to my music guy, Scoey.
[studio audience cheering and applauding]
Rainer Wolfcastle : That is some outfit, Scoey. It makes you look like a homosexual.
Rainer Wolfcastle : [studio audience booing] Oh. Maybe you all are homosexuals too.
Bart : This is horrible. The Fox network has sunk to a new low.
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FBI Man #1 : Don't worry, Mrs. Simpson. We've helped hundreds of people in danger. We'll give you a new name, a new job, new identities.
Homer : Ooh! I wanna be John Elway!
[dissolve to Homer's daydream as a football player wearing old-fashioned leather uniforms while all the others wear modern football uniforms]
Announcer : Elway takes the snap and runs it in for a touchdown! Thanks to Elway's patented last-second magic, the final score of Super Bowl XXX, Denver - 7, San Francisco - 56.
Homer : [back to reality] Woohoo!