Saturday Night Live (TV Series)

Jerry Seinfeld/David Bowie (1999)

Jerry Seinfeld: Self - Host

Photos 

Quotes 

• Vern Schillinger : [Schillinger forms a huddle with some of the other inmates as Beecher descends the stairs in the background]  Listen up. Beecher's going down. In the shower, I'm gonna cut off his sack and stuff it in his mouth.

  Jerry Seinfeld : [Seinfeld suddenly pokes his head into the crowd]  Hey, fellas. I noticed there's no cardio equipment in the gym. Is there another room somewhere?

  Vern Schillinger : Who are you?

  Jerry Seinfeld : Jerry Seinfeld. Pleasure to meet you!

  Vern Schillinger : You a Hebrew?

  Jerry Seinfeld : Yeah. But people don't seem to have a problem with it on a national level!

• Jerry Seinfeld : What is with this place? It's so cliquey. On the other hand, I kinda like the hole. You know, they throw you in naked. It's like a spa. You know, you're not looking too good.

  Inmate : Adebisi pricked me with an AIDS-infected needle.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Well... good luck with all that.

  [walks away] 

• Jerry Seinfeld : [Jerry and Beecher are eating lunch in the prison cafeteria when Schillinger walks past the table and Beecher gives him a dirty look]  What is with you two?

  Tobias Beecher : Ah, you know. First, I was his bitch... then he burned a swastika into my ass... and then I took a crap on his face... and that started a whole "thing"!

  Jerry Seinfeld : Tell me. I once dated a girl who I think was always wearing the same dress!

  Tobias Beecher : [gives Jerry a strange look]  Anyway... he nearly broke every bone in my body. I thought we were gonna make up, and he nailed me to the gym floor!

  Jerry Seinfeld : Did he try to...?

  Tobias Beecher : No. Nothing happened.

  Jerry Seinfeld : You missed out on the make-up sodomy?

  Tobias Beecher : I missed out on the sodomy!

  Jerry Seinfeld : The make-up sodomy's the best part of being nailed to a gym floor!

  Tobias Beecher : Missed out, baby!

• Jerry Seinfeld : You think you can hold out longer than me?

  Ryan O'Reily : I know I can hold out longer than you.

  Vern Schillinger : Care to make it interesting?

  Ryan O'Reily : A carton of smokes?

  Augustus Hill : I want in, too.

  Jerry Seinfeld : You're all on. Whoever goes the longest without committing male rape wins the contest.

• Vern Schillinger : [discussing the reception of the "Seinfeld" finale]  You should have had Kramer on the stand!

  Inmate : Kramer's funny.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Maybe I should have married Elaine. You know, the expectations were kinda high.