- Dan: [to the father of a kid who was beating up D.J. at school] Whoa! Settle down or I'll give my wife a donut to kick your butt!
- Suzy: Meat's supposed to be bad for you.
- Roseanne Conner: Yeah? Well, so are cool pops but you have to draw the line somewhere.
- Suzy: Well, what about a vegetable?
- Roseanne Conner: Ketchup.
- Roseanne Conner: Let's see what Meryl picked. New York steak. What does your father do, Meryl?
- Meryl: He's a dermatologist.
- Roseanne Conner: Oh. Well, then that would be a good choice. Anybody here who doesn't have a trust fund? Darlene, what are we gonna have for dinner?
- Darlene Conner: Well, I'm eating at Meryl's house!
- Roseanne Conner: Who wants to see a picture of Darlene dressed up like a tulip for her 3rd grade play?
- Roseanne Conner: Where else can you find pizza, microwave pizza, frozen pizza, stuffed crust pizza, pizza tarts, pizza bites, pizza puffs... Did I tell you that you shouldn't shop when you're really, really hungry?
- Roseanne Conner: Now, we need corn flakes. They are the most important part of this meal.
- Meryl: Why's that?
- Roseanne Conner: Well, how else do you think we're going to turn two pounds of ground round into eleven pounds of mouth-watering meatloaf?
- Dan: Roseanne, what's going on here? Who are all those girls?
- Roseanne Conner: Why, they're ours, dearest! Don't you remember?
- Dan: My God! How long have I been asleep?
- Dan: Well, Honey, I *am* the professional in the family.
- Roseanne Conner: Oh, right. I forgot about your Masters in drywalling.
- Roseanne Conner: It's kind of like being a doctor, only, you know, the hours are longer and you don't get any pay.
- Roseanne Conner: Well, I tried, you know, lounging on the beaches of Europe, but somehow that just left me empty. Now, believe this or not, I mean, I really wanted to have a family. Maybe not the one I got, but...
- Roseanne Conner: Hey, look what this here guy's buying! Vodka, Mallomars, and a TV Guide. I'm thinking: single and stayin' that way.
- Suzy: Excuse me. What kind of salad dressing would you like, Mr. Conner?
- Dan: I don't know. Nobody's ever asked me that before.
- Roseanne Conner: Oh, you're just confusing him now, Suzy. Orange or red, Dan?
- Dan: Oh. Orange.
- Meryl: Hey, wait a minute! I don't see why I have to be stuck in this kitchen, killing myself cooking dinner for this family!
- [all of the girls agree]
- Roseanne Conner: This is a proud, proud, proud moment for me, girls. Now you're sounding like real housewives.
- Dan: Kid's a genius!
- Roseanne Conner: He's an extortionist! So, what now? I'm buying Twinkies for Maxine instead of Kevin?
- D.J. Conner: No. I told Kevin I'd call Maxine off if he gives me two Twinkies every day. Then, I give one to Maxine and eat the other one. Doesn't cost you anything.
- Roseanne Conner: He is a genius!
- Jackie Harris: [Jackie tries to put a sleeper hold on Dan] If you start to black out, tap me twice.
- Dan: [unaffected, Dan goes to the fridge] You want a beer, Jack?