- Kelly Bundy: Maybe we should have Buck look for the car.
- Bud Bundy: Come on, he's a hundred. He misses when he tries to lick himself.
- Kelly Bundy: Yeah, so do you.
- Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Jefferson doesn't need to make a lot of money. I'm happy with him just the way he is.
- Jefferson D'Arcy: [whines] Marcy, I got soap in my eyes.
- Al: When I think of the PAIN and the SUFFERING that I had to go through for you to be conceived. You should be ashamed for betraying your family this way.
- Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Steve, what are you doing back in town? I though you were out in the desert protecting the wildlife and performing your version of Guys and Dolls to the cactus.
- Steve Rhoades: That, much like our marriage, was just a phase.
- Kelly Bundy: I have an idea. Why don't we get Buck to look for the car?
- Bud Bundy: Oh, come on. Buck's 100! He's so old that he misses when he tries to lick himself.
- Kelly Bundy: So do you! But dogs never lose their scense of smell.
- [to Buck]
- Kelly Bundy: Go find the Dodge, Buck boy.
- [Buck continues to sit motionless]
- Kelly Bundy: Buck, I said go find the car. Buck, go. Go. Go!
- Peggy: What's he doing?
- Bud Bundy: He's going.
- Kelly Bundy: Oh... maybe I should have said leave.
- Buck: [voice-over] I still would have gone.
- Mikey: Do you realize that for being caught in the women's restroom, we're going to dock you a week's pay?
- Jefferson D'Arcy: [sarcastically] Well there goes that yacht I was gonna buy.
- Mikey: You're already on thin ice, Mr. Ivy League pervert in the bathroom looking up women's skirts. Now I don't want anymore shenanigans out of you. I want you buffin' the next thing that comes out of here.
- [Al walks out of the car wash]
- Bud Bundy: [hearing Al's Dodge clunking and sputtering up the drive] Okay, there's the Dodge early-warning system.
- Mikey: [a teenager] I'm Mikey. I'm the manager.
- Al: Of what? The Mets?
- Mikey: I don't take lip from shoe salesmen. Now what do you want? I have a book report due tomorrow.
- Al: I want my car. It never came out the other end.
- Mikey: Are you sure you brought a car?
- Al: No, I drove the wife. Of course I brought a car, you zit farm.
- Al: Oh Peg, look a racing strip!
- Peggy: The Dodge doesn't need a racing strip. I couldn't hit 60 if it dropped out of a plane.
- Al: [Al holds a tight fist up] No but you could Peg! See Peg you spend money on a fribulous -
- [Interupts himself]
- Al: Ooh, Peg look car bras!
- Peggy: The Dodge doesn't need a car bra.
- [Al holds up a car bra purchase box]
- Al: Oh it's not for the Dodge Peg. No, it's for your mom. See, it's even in her size, Astrovan.
- [first lines]
- Bud Bundy: Okay, Kel, let's go over the plan just one more time, all right? Now, you can't go to Wanker County with Mom and Dad because...?
- Kelly Bundy: I have to do a commercial for traffic safety.
- Bud Bundy: That's right. And I can't go to Wanker County with Mom and Dad because...?
- Kelly Bundy: A rubber sheep is demanding you take a blood test?
- Bud Bundy: Fine. That's fine. Fine. We'll go to Wanker County. But don't come running to me when they ask you why you're still single when you have a perfectly good brother.