Chris Evans credited as playing...
- Jensen: I'm warning you, I am a lethal killing machine. It was a secret government experiment. They did stuff to me. Spooky stuff... Anal stuff. It turned me into a dangerous telekinetic. As the ancient Tibetan Philosophy states "Don't start none, won't be none!"
- Jensen: Legless Pooch and I are on it!
- Pooch: Call me 'Legless Pooch' again, and you're gonna be 'Headless Jensen'
- Jensen: I think it's a cool name, makes ya sound like a pirate.
- Pooch: Ya mama's a pirate.
- Jensen: [Aisha has the Losers in a Mexican standoff] Ohhhh... shit. She's got a gun and... it's pointed at my dick. Clay, it's pointed at my dick!
- Pooch: Would you rather it was pointed at your face?
- Jensen: I know it makes no sense, but yes!
- [Aisha points her gun at Jensen's face]
- Pooch: Better?
- Jensen: Not really...
- Clay: Where's your gun, Jensen?
- Jensen: It's in the van.
- Clay: What's it doing there?
- Jensen: Not... much.
- [Aisha rolls her eyes]
- Roque: Will you two shut up?
- Jensen: Well, what if it was pointed at YOUR dick?
- [Aisha shoots Jensen in the arm]
- Jensen: [women are looking at Jensen, who is undressed in an elevator] So... you, uh, ladies liking the angle of the dangle?
- Jensen: That's right bitches, I got a crossbow!
- Roque: [Seeing Jenson's Pink Petunia shirt] Am I the only one who sees this shirt?
- Jensen: Oh, yeah. It's my niece's little league soccer team, the Petunias, they're in the finals, so I...
- [the whole team walks away in disgust]
- Jensen: They're... they're in the finals!
- Clay: Pooch, can you stand?
- Pooch: Oh. Oh, this is Stupid Question Day. This is Stupid Question Day, and nobody decided to tell me! Naw, that's cool. It's all good.
- Jensen: Come on, Legless Pooch, I got ya.
- Roque: Okay, you stay with us. But if anything smells like a trap, I get to put a bullet in your skull. Does that sound fair?
- Aisha: That sounds fun.
- Jensen: Sounds like my parents...
- Jensen: Can you stand?
- Pooch: I've been shot in *both* of my legs. What kind of dumb-ass question is that, really?
- Jensen: So now we're Mister Grumpy-pants? You know, you're not the only one who got shot today.
- Jensen: Did you know that cats can make one thousand different sounds and dogs can only make ten? Cats, man. Not to be trusted.
- Pooch: You know what? Do me a favor - NEVER say that again.
- Roque: Think you're thinking clear on this? Huh? 'Cuz every time we mess up, it's because of a woman.
- Clay: Name one time that I...
- Roque: Amber.
- Clay: Amber wasn't the problem, Amber's husband was the problem.
- Pooch: Amber's husband wasn't the one who shot you.
- Clay: It was only in the leg.
- Jensen: What about Emma?
- Clay: Emma doesn't count. I didn't sleep with Emma.
- Roque: No, because she put a bomb in your car!
- Clay: All right, I admit - that did take a little of the romance out of it.
- Pooch: The Pooch may lie, the Pooch may steal, the Pooch may...
- Jensen: The Pooch may refer to himself in the third person?
- Pooch: Occasionally, but the Pooch will not cheat.
- Jensen: The Pooch can relax. I was worried about Cougar.
- Pooch: Yeah, right, it's always the quiet ones.
- Jensen: [trying to hit on Aisha] Hi.
- [Aisha, cleaning her gun, ignores him]
- Jensen: Where are you from? Originally?
- Aisha: The wilds of Northern Africa.
- Jensen: Wow. So that must have been... sandy...
- [awkward pause]
- Jensen: Do you have any hobbies?
- Aisha: When I was little, I collected human ears.
- Clay: Jensen, are we wired?
- Jensen: [disguised as a street vendor] Max is westbound... and these hot dogs are *delicious!*
- Jensen: [describing a CIA heroin smuggling operation] So they're selling shit to the American people to raise money to protect the American people from the guys they produce the shit they're selling them in the first place. This is fucked up on so many levels, man...
- Clay: What do you have on her?
- Jensen: Besides a pant-bustin' crush? Her Company file is blank. CIA has a standing kill order on her, as does Hamas, Sinn Fein... pretty much everyone with the exception of PETA wants this chick am-scrayed.
- Jensen: So, she wanted to meet in a cemetery? That's not, like, foreboding at all...
- Jensen: Clay, we've got a situation here. I'm looking at a giant vibrating Easter egg from Hell, and no Max.
