Hank Azaria: Gargamel

The Smurfs

Gargamel

Gargamel: I am not obsessed with Smurfs, thank you. I simply can't stop thinking about the miserable beasts every single minute of every single day!...
Azrael: Meow!
Gargamel: But I need them! It's only by capturing the little wretches and extracting their happy blue essence that my magic will finally become... not infallible...
Azrael: Meow!
Gargamel: INVINCIBLE, yes, thank you! I shall become the most powerful wizard in all of the world!
[Gargamel and Azreal cackle]
Gargamel: Yeah, but you're milking it, don't milk it.

Gargamel: [playing with puppets] La la lala lala, sing a happy song! La la lala lala, this is so wrong! "Oh, I'm Papa Smurf. I'm the head of a small group of blue people, and live in the forest with 99 sons and one daughter! Nothing weird about that, no no, totally normal!" "And I'm Smurfette! And I think I'm so pretty! And I betrayed Gargamel, and I don't even care! And everything is just sunshine and rainbows!"... But all of that is about to change!
[Azrael bathes himself]
Gargamel: Ahem. I said, "But all of that is about to change!" Azreal, that's your cue!

Gargamel: [Odile is giving a demonstration of her anti-aging cream] I see no transformation. Your potion has no power. She's still an eye-offending dogfish if you ask me.
Odile: This is my mother who you speaking of!
Gargamel: I'm so sorry, I didn't realize. How sad for you in thirty years.

Gargamel: [playing with a Smurfette puppet] "Oh, great one!" Yes, lying, deceptive, horrible little Smurfette? "After all your years of Smurfless searching, however do you expect to find us?" Oh, I'm very glad you asked, my dear! For, you see, I have a magical map, that shows me exactly where the Smurf village is! I shall now use my formidable powers to magically transport us here!
Azrael: Oh, no...

Gargamel: [upon arrival in Central Park] What manner of freakish hell is this?

Gargamel: Oh, Azrael, we've come so far, yet I am haunted by the same familiar problem: how to find the Smurfs. If only I had a...
[Azrael hacks and coughs]
Gargamel: I'm sorry, is my thinking interrupting your vile habit? If only I had something of theirs: a drop of spittle, a fingernail, some hair even, then I could use my magic to hunt them down!
[Azrael coughs out a hairball]
Gargamel: Very nice. Are you done now?
Azrael: Meow!
[points at the hairball]
Gargamel: I don't want to look at it! What? YUCK! WHAT?... Is that...? No. No, it can't be... it is! The tiny locks of Smurfette! Oh, sweet follicular ambrosia! Oh, sweet strands of joy... mixed with a fair amount of cat vomit.
[holds up the hair]

Gargamel: There you are! By all means, relax here in the fresh air and the sunshine, while the missing Smurfs could be anywhere!
Azrael: Meow!
[points]
Gargamel: What? Where?

Gargamel: I am but a simple wizard with a simple desire: limitless power and world adulation! So why does it have to be so hard?

[Gargamel looks for a laboratory in New York City]
Gargamel: [climbs into a port-a-potty] Oh. Yes. It's a bit small, but it should do nicely! Oh, it's even got its own cauldron.
[tries some magic...]
Gargamel: What died in here?... OPEN! OPEN! OPEN! OPEN! OPEN! OPPEEENNNN!
[finally falls out]
Gargamel: Somebody's been working in dark and terrible magic in there...!