Yeardley Smith credited as playing...
Lisa Simpson
- Colin: I'm Colin.
- Lisa Simpson: I haven't seen you at school
- Colin: Just moved from Ireland. My dad's a musician.
- Lisa Simpson: Is he...?
- Colin: He's not Bono.
- Lisa Simpson: I just thought because you're Irish and you care about...
- Colin: He's NOT Bono.
- [Bart claps]
- Lisa Simpson: What are you doing, Bart?
- Bart Simpson: Eh, just passing the time.
- [Bart claps, snow repeatedly falls on Homer]
- Homer Simpson: Aw, my boy loves Alaska so much, he's applauding it. Lisa, why aren't you clapping?
- Lisa Simpson: But Dad!
- Homer Simpson: [sternly] Clap for Alaska!
- [Lisa claps along with Bart]
- Homer Simpson: [Homer is buried under an avalanche]
- Lisa Simpson: Mom, I've got to go find Colin.
- Marge Simpson: Not now, sweetie. Doomsday is family time.
- [Billie Joe Armstrong from Green Day sings "da-da-da" to the final part of the Simpsons tune, following his teleprompter]
- Billie Joe Armstrong: Alright, well thanks a lot for coming. We've been playing for three and a half hours, now we'd like just a minute of your time to say something about the environment.
- [there is a deathly silence, followed by huge boos from the Springfieldians. They start throwing things at Green Day]
- Barney Gumble: Preachy!
- Billie Joe Armstrong: We're not being preachy!
- Tre Cool: But the pollution in your lake - it's dissolving our barge!
- [Moe is sitting in a deck chair. Lisa is standing next to him]
- Lisa Simpson: I thought they touched on a vital issue.
- Moe: I beg to differ.
- [He throws a rock at the stage, which penetrates the bass drum and hits Frank in the crotch]
- Tre Cool: Oh.
- Mike Dirnt: Gentlemen, it's been an honour playing with you tonight.
- [Green Day put down their instruments and bring out violins as the barge sinks. Lisa looks on woefully]
- Lisa Simpson: This town is just one piece of trash away from a toxic nightmare! But I knew you wouldn't listen. So I took the liberty of pouring water from the lake in all your drinking glasses!
- [everyone spits out their water in disgust]
- Moe: See, this is why we should hate kids!
- Homer Simpson: So, who wants waffles?
- Bart Simpson, Grampa, Lisa Simpson: I do! I do! I do!
- Marge Simpson: What about Grampa?
- Bart Simpson: I want syrup!
- Lisa Simpson: I want strawberries!
- Marge Simpson: Shouldn't we be concerned about what happened in church?
- Homer Simpson: I'll tell you what happened. A certain someone had a senior moment, but that's okay, because we love him anyway, and we got a free rug out of it.
- [Kisses Grampa on the forehead]
- Marge Simpson: What's the point of going to church every Sunday if when someone we love has a genuine religious experience we ignore it? Right, Grampa?
- Grampa: I want bananas on my waffles.
- Homer Simpson: I rest my case.
- Lisa Simpson: [during end credits] It looks like Maggie has something to say!
- Marge Simpson: Oh my God! Her first word!
- Maggie Simpson: [takes pacifier out of mouth]
- [pause]
- Maggie Simpson: Sequel?
- Lisa Simpson: [Lisa and Colin are pressing their hands against the glass] I never thought my life would have an absolutely perfect moment, but this...
- Bart Simpson: [sing-song] Lisa's got a boyfriend / That she'll never see again!
- [Lisa cold-cocks Bart]
- [the wrecking ball dings the truck Marge, Lisa and Bart are in]
- Bart Simpson: Did you hear something?
- Lisa Simpson: Probably just a moth.
- Marge Simpson: I hope it's okay.
- Lisa Simpson: Our crisis level will be here.
- Lenny: That's not so bad.
- Lisa Simpson: No, this forklift is messed up.
- [the forklift goes crazy until it is back to normal]
- Lisa Simpson: Am I getting through to anyone?
- Krusty the Clown: Hell yeah, we need a new one of those things!
- Lisa Simpson: Colin! Colin!
- Milhouse: Lisa, Colin is dead.
- [Lisa gasps]
- Milhouse: His last words were,
- [as Colin]
- Milhouse: "Milhouse, take care of Lisa. Hold her hand."
- [realizes Colin is standing beside him]
- Milhouse: Uh, I got her all warmed up for ya.
- Bart Simpson: Let us out! Let us out!
- EPA Official: Stop that! You'll scratch your shackles!
- Bart Simpson: I hope I do!
- [rubs shackles on cage, a gas then enters the truck]
- Lisa Simpson: Oh way to go Bart!
- Bart Simpson: [drugged] You stink.
- Lisa Simpson: [even more drugged] No you stink.
- [they both pass out]
- Lisa Simpson: [Knocks on door] Hello, sorry to bother you on a Sunday , but I'm sure you're as worried about the pollution in Lake Springfield as I am...
- [Door slams, Lisa knocks at the next house]
- Lisa Simpson: Lake Springfield has higher levels of mercury than even...
- [Door slams, Lisa knocks at the next door]
- Sweet Old Lady: Why, it's the little girl who saved my cat.
- Lisa Simpson: Lake Springfield...
- [Door slams]
- Lisa Simpson: Oh.
- EPA Driver: There's something strange about that sop sign.
- [Homer is seen driving to the EPA van in a wrecking ball crane to rescue his family, activates the wrecking ball to hit the van but barely touches it and makes a little tick of noise]
- Bart Simpson: [gasps] What was that?
- Lisa Simpson: Probably just a moth.
- Marge Simpson: I hope it's okay.
- [wrecking ball comes back to the crane and hits Homer, swinging him back to forth hitting a rock and a buliding called A Hard Place. Then the ball eventually stops swinging Homer and then drops him to the ground]
- EPA Passenger: Look, we can't keep stopping at every sop, yeld or one vay sign. Just move along.
- [drives away]
- Homer Simpson: I've always been afraid I'd screw up our lives so bad that I've had to come up with a back-up plan. And that plan is right here!
- [Pulls out wallet; takes out Monopoly "Get Out Of Jail Free" card]
- Homer Simpson: No.
- [Takes out photo of Michael Jordan with his face taped over it]
- Homer Simpson: No.
- [Takes out folded piece of paper]
- Homer Simpson: Bingo!
- [Unfolds paper; it takes a long time]
- Homer Simpson: Bear with me.
- [finally unfolds paper, a huge poster of Alaska with the tagline "A Fresh Start"]
- Lisa Simpson: Alaska?
- Homer Simpson: Alaska! Where you can't be too fat or too drunk. When no one says things like "Let's see your high school equivalency certificate."