Mark Webber credited as playing...
Stephen Stills
- Todd Ingram: Tell it to the cleaning lady on Monday.
- Scott Pilgrim: What?
- Todd Ingram: Because you'll be dust by Monday... because you'll be pulverized in two seconds. The cleaning lady? She cleans up... dust. She dusts.
- Scott Pilgrim: So, what's on Monday?
- Todd Ingram: 'Cause... it's Friday now, she's the weekends off, so... Monday, right?"
- Envy Adams: Basically, you can't win this fight, so you better give up on this girl, 'cause Todd's gonna kill you.
- Scott Pilgrim: You used to be so nice!
- [Runs towards Todd Ingram, who holds his hand up and lifts him a foot into the air with his mind powers, then hurls him through a brick wall]
- Stephen Stills: Um, Scott, we're gonna go to Pizza-pizza for a slice, call us when you're done...
- [He and Kim walk off]
- Envy Adams: Oh, he'll be done, real soon...
- Todd Ingram: [a long bass note is played from the hole] Sounds like someone wants to get... funky.
- Knives Chau: Hey Scott!
- Scott Pilgrim: What the hell...
- Ramona V. Flowers: Who is that girl again?
- Stephen Stills: Scott dated her.
- Scott Pilgrim: Briefly.
- Ramona V. Flowers: How old is she?
- Scott Pilgrim: Uhhhhhhhh...
- [the camera goes into his head. We see a wheel listing various thoughts. The arrow gets stuck between "I gotta pee" and "Who, her?"]
- Scott Pilgrim: I gotta pee on her!... I mean, I gotta pee. Pee time.
- Stephen Stills: I have distressing news.
- Kim Pine: Is the news that we suck, because I really don't think I can take it.
- Stephen Stills: Level with me... did we suck?
- Ramona V. Flowers: I don't know... did you?
- [walks away]
- Stephen Stills: ...she has to go. She knows we suck.
- Stephen Stills: If we win, it won't just be Knives wearing Sex Bom-Omb shirts. It'll be the cool kids, too.
- Stephen Stills: Oh god!... oh man! This is a nightmare! Is this a nightmare? Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up...!
- Scott Pilgrim: It's just nerves!
- Kim Pine: Once we're on stage, you'll be fine.
- Stephen Stills: We were just on stage for sound check, and the sound guy hated us!
- Stephen Stills: [as a 1UP appears in front of Scott] What are you doing?
- Scott Pilgrim: Getting a life.
- [grabs 1UP]
- Julie Powers: Scott, I forbid you from hitting on Ramona. Even if you haven't had a real girlfriend in over a year...
- Stephen Stills: Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Scott's mourning period is officially over. He's totally dating a high-schooler.
- Julie Powers: Dating a high-schooler is the mourning period.
- Stephen Stills: Is she gonna geek out on us?
- Scott Pilgrim: She'll just sit in the corner, man.
- Stephen Stills: I mean, I want her to geek out on us.
- Scott Pilgrim: She'll geek. She geeks. She has the capacity to geek.
- Stephen Stills: I always wondered, how does not eating dairy products give you psychic powers?
- Todd Ingram: Okay. You know how you only use 10% of your brain? That's because the other 90% is filled with curds and whey.
- Kim Pine: Did you learn that at Vegan Academy?
- Stephen Stills: We'd understand if you didn't want to take part.
- Scott Pilgrim: Not only do I want to take part, I want to take them apart.
- Stephen Stills: Cool bands never go to their own after-parties. Just the desperate people trying to rub elbows with the label guys.
- Stephen Stills: How are we supposed to follow this? We're not going to win! We're not gonna sign with G-Man! We'll never play opening night at the Chaos Theatre! God damn it, Scott, will you please stop just standing there? You're freaking me out!