- Maggie Hoffman: Look, I don't care if your granny's on fire. This is Oprah! She farts on a book, and it magically sells a million copies.
- Maggie Hoffman: [to the flight attendant] Could I get a real bottle, please? I'm an alcoholic, not a Barbie doll.
- Mr. Woodcock: To survive outside these walls, you need more than just math and science. The world does not stop for people who can spell fancy words or tell you the capital of Montana. The capital of Montana, Watson?
- Young Watson: Helena?
- Mr. Woodcock: Who cares? Take a lap!
- Mr. Woodcock: I don't do 'Sorry'.
- John Farley: What?
- Mr. Woodcock: Sorry is for criminals and screw-ups... and I'm neither one.
- John Farley: You're going down, Woodcock.
- Mr. Woodcock: You must like getting spanked, Farley. I guess it runs in the family.
- John Farley: [quietly to Woodcock, as he seems stunned] Are you okay?
- John Farley: [loudly] RHETORICAL QUESTION, WOODCOCK!
- [slams him in the back with a chair]
- Mr. Woodcock: [after Farley flips Woodcock's gurney over while guiding it down the parade route] Nice work, Farley. There's one pothole in this town, and you managed to find it.
- Nedderman: [referring to Toby's Pizza and Subs having a "Woodcock Pan Pizza" in the latter's honor] What's next, the Hitler Calzone?
- John Farley: [mimmicking, mockingly] "I'm known for my meat. I'm known for my meat." Actually, you're not known for your meat, Woodcock. You're known for emotionally crippling an entire generation of children. Dickhead!
- Mr. Woodcock: [from his hospital bed] Set of ten, Farley.
- John Farley: [in disbelief] What?
- Mr. Woodcock: Just joking.
- [smiles]
- Mr. Woodcock: It's too late. She's made her mind up, Farley.
- John Farley: What? My mom's the best thing that's ever happened to you.
- Mr. Woodcock: One day you'll date girls and you'll understand. Once a woman makes her mind up... there's no changing it.
- John Farley: Oh, I get it. You're scared. Your last marriage fell apart because she was cheating on you. Again, and again, and again.
- Mr. Woodcock: The woman's a deviant, Farley. Who cares?
- John Farley: So you're scared of getting hurt again?
- Mr. Woodcock: Hey, spare me the self-help crap, OK? You're not a guru. You're a spoiled little kid who can't seem to let go of his momma's right tit.
- John Farley: Oh, yeah? Well, you're just a pussy with a whistle!
- Mr. Woodcock: Really? You cocky little shit. Do you actually think you're tougher than me?
- John Farley: Ooh. Any time, any place.
- Mr. Woodcock: Get the rentals, Farley.
- Beverly Farley: Uh, you ready for dinner?
- Mr. Woodcock: Mm hmm. I don't know about you, but I've been thinking about meat all day long.
- Beverly Farley: [to John] Jasper grills the best beef in Nebraska.
- Mr. Woodcock: Well, I *am* known for my meat.
- John Farley: [addressing the crowd during the local Civic Pride Awards] Are you guys out of your minds?
- [audience laughs]
- John Farley: Seriously! Am I the only one who thinks that Woodcock's, like, the biggest asshole on the planet?
- Beverly Farley: [seeing her son pushing Woodcock down the parade route in a gurney] My God, what happened? Jasper, why are you on that gurney?
- Mr. Woodcock: I don't know, honey, but I'm here to say that...
- [pauses]
- Mr. Woodcock: ... I'm basically sorry.
- Beverly Farley: [unimpressed] "Basically sorry"?
- John Farley: Mom, for an emotional cripple like Woodcock, that's a huge step. Listen, I'm the one who should be apologizing, OK? This is all my fault. Just give him another shot, because my lungs are about to explode!
- Mr. Woodcock: Please, honey?
- John Farley: [after learning Woodcock and Beverly are engaged] Can you imagine my family with Woodcock in it?
- [imitating Woodcock]
- John Farley: "A tie for Christmas, Farley? Set of ten!" "You didn't eat your vegetables? Take a lap!" "You call that a grandchild? Rhetorical question, Farley!"