Kevin Dunn credited as playing...
Ron Witwicky
- Judy Witwicky: [barging into Sam's bedroom, her husband in tow] Oh, for Pete's sakes! You are so defensive! Were you... masturbating?
- Ron Witwicky: Judy...
- Sam Witwicky: [frantic] Was I master... No, Mom!
- Ron Witwicky: Zip it, okay?
- Judy Witwicky: It's okay...
- Sam Witwicky: No, I don't masturbate!
- Ron Witwicky: That's not something for you to bring up.
- Judy Witwicky: Okay.
- Ron Witwicky: That's a father-and-son thing, okay?
- Sam Witwicky: Father-son thing...
- Judy Witwicky: I mean, you don't have to call it that word if that makes you uncomfortable... you can call it Sam's happy time or...
- Sam Witwicky: [amazed] Happy time?
- Judy Witwicky: ...my special alone time...
- Ron Witwicky: Judy, stop!
- Judy Witwicky: ...with myself.
- Sam Witwicky: Mom, you can't come in and...
- Judy Witwicky: I'm sorry. It's just been a weird night. I've had a little bit to drink.
- Ron Witwicky: [drives past a Porsche dealer] I've got a little surprise for you, son.
- Sam Witwicky: No, no, no, no! Dad! Oh, you've got to be kidding me!
- Ron Witwicky: Yeah, I am. You're not getting a Porsche!
- [laughs]
- Sam Witwicky: Look, I can't be any clearer than how crystal clear I am being. It just stood up.
- Sheriff: It just stood up? Wow. That's really neat. Okay, chiefie. Time to fill her up...
- [hands Sam a container and a tissue]
- Sheriff: And no drippy-drippy. What are you rolling? Whippets? Goof balls? A little wowie sauce with the boys?
- Sam Witwicky: No, I'm not on any drugs!
- Sheriff: What's these?
- [shows Sam a bottle of pills]
- Sheriff: Found it in your pocket. "Mojo". Is that what the kids are doing now, a little bit of Mojo...?
- Sam Witwicky: Those are my dog's pain pills.
- Ron Witwicky: You know, a Chihauhua. A little...
- Sheriff: [annoyed] What was that?
- Sam Witwicky: Hmm?
- Sheriff: You eyeballing my piece, 50 Cent? You wanna go?
- [leans over Sam]
- Sheriff: Make something happen. Do it. 'Cause I promise you I will bust you up.
- Sam Witwicky: [whispers] Are you on drugs?
- Bobby Bolivia: [about the Camaro] I'll let you have it for $5,000.
- Ron Witwicky: No, I'm not going above $4,000.
- Bobby Bolivia: The door just closed.
- [turns to Sam]
- Bobby Bolivia: Get out of the car.
- Sam Witwicky: Wait a minute? I thought you said "the car chooses its owner.",
- Bobby Bolivia: Yeah, well sometimes they pick a driver with a cheap-ass father!
- [Ratchet runs into power lines, shocking him and causing a tremor throughout the neighborhood]
- Ron Witwicky: [crawling under a table] Earthquake! Earthquake! Judy, get under the table!
- Judy Witwicky: How did you get over there so fast?
- [Outside, a dazed Ratchet staggers to his feet]
- Ratchet: Wow... that was tingly! You gotta try that!
- Ironhide: [sarcastic] Yeah, that looks fun...
- Agent Simmons: Ronald Wikity?
- Ron Witwicky: It's Witwicky. Who are you?
- Agent Simmons: We're the government. Sector Seven.
- Ron Witwicky: Never heard of it.
- Agent Simmons: Never will.
- Judy Witwicky: Please for the love of God drive safely!
- [Sam drives away with the Camaro in a massive cloud of black exhaust]
- Judy Witwicky: Wow. You are so cheap.
- Ron Witwicky: Well, it's his first car... supposed to be like that.
- Ron Witwicky: You're not taking my son.
- Agent Simmons: Really? You gonna get rough with us?
- Ron Witwicky: No, but I'm gonna call the cops because there's something fishy going on around here.
- Agent Simmons: Yeah. There's something a little fishy about you, your son, your little Taco Bell dog and this whole operation you got going on here.
- Ron Witwicky: What operation?
- Agent Simmons: That is what we are gonna find out.
- [Ron Witwicky walks towards a window]
- Optimus Prime: Quick, hide!
- Ratchet: Hide? Where?
- [the Autobots manage to get out of sight just as Ron looks outside]
- Ron Witwicky: Oh, no... look at the yard! The yard is destroyed! There's sparks flying all over the place... Judy, you better call the City, looks like they got a blown transformer! What a waste... Trashed! Gone!
- [appalled, he moves away]
- Ron Witwicky: [brandishing a bat, outside his son's door] 5... 4... It's comin' off the hinges, pal. 3... 2... stand back!
- [as Ron gets ready to break the door down, Sam opens it]
- Sam Witwicky: What's up?... What's with the bat?
- Ron Witwicky: Who were you talking to?
- Sam Witwicky: Talkin' to you!
- Judy Witwicky: Why are you so sweaty and filthy?
- Sam Witwicky: I'm a child, you know, I'm a teenager.
- Sam Witwicky: [in a used car showroom] You ever seen "The 40 Year Old Virgin"?
- Ron Witwicky: Yeah...
- Sam Witwicky: [points to a car] Well, you see this? This is the 40-year-old virgin...
- [points to another car]
- Sam Witwicky: And this is the 50-year-old virgin!
- Judy Witwicky: You know, I think that if there really was some kind of... alien infestation... the Government would be the first to tell us.
- Ron Witwicky: [fondling Mojo] Yeah... I mean, this is America.
- Judy Witwicky: Yeah, that's how we know we're in a free country. There's no secrets. They'd say "Hey! Duck and cover!"
- [watching the news broadcast of meteor crashes]
- Judy Witwicky: What did he say?
- Ron Witwicky: What?
- Judy Witwicky: What did Jack say? Did he see it?
- Ron Witwicky: Yeah he saw it. He thinks it's a military experiment.
- Judy Witwicky: What a knucklehead.
- Ron Witwicky: Yeah. I told him it was a plane.