Seth Rogen credited as playing...
Cal
- Cal: You're gay now?
- David: No, I'm not gay. I'm just celibate.
- Cal: I think... I mean, that sounds gay. I just want you to know this is, like, the first conversation of, like, three conversations that leads to you being gay. Like, there's this, and then in a year it's like, "Oh, you know, I'm kinda gonna want to get back out there, but I think I like guys," and then there's the big, "Oh, I'm... I'm... I'm a gay guy now."
- David: [smirks] You're gay for saying that.
- Cal: I'm gay for saying that?
- David: You know how I know you're gay?
- Cal: How? How do you know I'm gay?
- David: Because you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts.
- Cal: You know how I know *you're* gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women any more.
- David: You know how I know you're gay?
- Cal: How? 'Cause you're gay? And you can tell who other gay people are?
- David: You know how I know you're gay?
- Cal: How?
- David: You like Coldplay.
- Cal: [talking about Trish being a grandma] You should fuck her and then have her send you $12 on your birthday.
- Cal: Oh, man, I had a weekend.
- Andy Stitzer: Yeah?
- Cal: We went to Tijuana, Mexico, you know? And we thought it would be fun, you know, to go to a show. Everybody says you gotta check out one of these shows. And... it's a woman fuckin' a horse. We get there and we think it's gonna be awesome and... it is not as cool as it sounds like it's gonna be. It's kinda gross.
- Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
- Cal: You think "A woman fuckin' a horse" and you get there and... it's a woman fucking a horse.
- Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
- Cal: It was really giving it to her. And you know what? To be honest I just felt bad for her, we all just felt bad for her.
- Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
- Cal: I kinda felt bad for the horse!
- Andy Stitzer: Wow, that's something.
- Cal: So what about you? What did you get up to?
- Andy Stitzer: You know, I just kinda hung out. I was...
- [pause]
- Andy Stitzer: Oh man, Friday, I really wanted an egg salad sandwich and I was just obsessing about it and I was like, 'Man, I'm gonna make one of those.' So Saturday, I went out and got, like, a dozen eggs and then I boiled them all and I just, I spent, I dunno, probably three hours, like three and a half hours making, you know, the mayonnaise, and the onions and paprika and, you know, the necessary accoutrement. And then, by the time I was done, I didn't really feel like like eating it.
- Cal: I can imagine.
- Andy Stitzer: And I didn't have any bread.
- [pause]
- Andy Stitzer: So you know, it was pretty good. It was a good weekend.
- Cal: Sounds pretty awesome.
- Andy Stitzer: Yeah, it was fine.
- Cal: Sounds really fun.
- [pause]
- Cal: Cool... Cool cool.
- Cal: [Andy turns away and Cal mimics blowing his own brains out with a finger pistol]
- [the waxing lady is putting the first coat of wax on Andy's chest]
- Cal: If she starts waxing his pubes, I'm outta here.
- David: You know how I know that you're gay?
- Cal: How?
- David: You like the movie "Maid in Manhattan".
- Cal: You know how I know you're gay?
- David: How?
- Cal: I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once.
- David: You know how I know that you're gay?
- Cal: How?
- David: You have a rainbow bumpersticker on your car that says, "I love it when balls are in my face".
- Cal: That's gay?
- David: [loses his second "Mortal Kombat" match] Goddamn it!
- Cal: I'm ripping your head off right now. It's off. And now I'm throwing it at your body.
- [David's character explodes]
- Cal: [shouts] Fuck you!
- David: Aww...
- Cal: I hired a 90-lb girl to work in the stock room at Smart Tech for you, okay? I should've hired a 300-lb guy to lift the 60-inch flat screen, but instead I hired a hot girl who can't lift an iPod to bring you out of your funk.
- Cal: [of his first thoughts on Andy] I kinda thought you were a serial killer.
- Andy Stitzer: Oh.
- [chuckles]
- Cal: No, I'm serious.
- [about Andy telling Trish he's a virgin]
- Andy Stitzer: What if she laughs at me?
- Cal: Then you punch her in the fucking head.
- Cal: Here's what you do. You tell her you're a virgin. You test her with this shit, okay? Here, tell me. Tell me. This is how it's gonna go. Tell me.
- Andy Stitzer: I'm a virgin.
- Cal: Sweet! I like that because I know you don't have... chlamydia. I *know* that. I mean, that shit is everywhere.
- Cal: The problem most men have is they don't know how to talk to women.
- Andy Stitzer: You know what my problem is? I am not interesting. What am I supposed to say? I went to magic camp? That I'm an accomplished ventriloquist? Oh, I *am* the Seventh Degree Imperial Yo-Yo Master. "Ooh, do me, Yo-Yo Master, I want you to do me cause you're the yo-yo guy!"
- Waxing Lady: So this is your first time getting body wax?
- Andy Stitzer: Yes. Yes, it is.
- Waxing Lady: Take off your shirt.
- Andy Stitzer: Ok.
- [Andy takes off his shirt, revealing a very hairy torso]
- Waxing Lady: [calls out] Oh... we gonna need more wax!
- Cal: I'm staying. This is gonna be good.
- Waxing Lady: [calls out] And clear all my appointments in the afternoon!
- Jay: Wassup, dawg, what happened? How was the date with Trish?
- Andy Stitzer: Oh, it was a disaster.
- Cal: Really?
- Andy Stitzer: Yes, I've never been more embarrassed in my life. I couldn't get the condoms to work, and one of them exploded on my balls. And then, her kid walked in the room...
- Jay: Woah. Wait. Hold up. She was hiding the kid from you, dawg?
- Andy Stitzer: You know what? It doesn't matter. Because it was goin' downhill straight from there.
- Jay: Listen, you don't want no baby daddy drama. Trust me on this one, aight? For all you know, he in prison right now. Let's say y'all livin' together. Next thing you know, you the one gone on the first and the fifteenth, huh, to pick up the government check? What if he got boys that's on the outside? And they stalkin' you? See what I'm sayin? You gotta think, patna!
- Andy Stitzer: What the fuck are you talking about?
- Cal: You know what's a fun game? Take 3 Excedrin PM's and see if you can whack off before you fall asleep. You always win, that's the best part about the game.
- Cal: [Angrily] You need to stop fucking around with my friend, okay? Because you're giving him hope, and it's driving the man crazy!
- Amy: I moved, I changed my email address, my phone number. Okay? He's practically stalking me.
- Cal: [Still trying to act angry] Well... I didn't know all that. So, I'm sorry.