Seann William Scott credited as playing...
Roland Taverner • Ronald Taverner
- Boxer Santaros: My character, he realizes that the apocalyptic crime rate is because of global deceleration. The rotation of the Earth is slowing down at a rate of point zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero six miles per hour each day, disrupting the chemical equilibrium in the human brain, causing very irrational criminal behavior.
- Roland Taverner: How does he stop the global deceleration?
- Boxer Santaros: Oh, he can't stop it. There is no stopping wat can't be stopped. Only God can stop it.
- Krysta Now: But The New York Times said: "God is dead."
- Boxer Santaros: So in the end, I die in a very tragic downtown shootout while whispering my theory to Dr. Muriel Fox, the oceanography disaster specialist.
- Krysta Now: Astrophysicist!
- Boxer Santaros: The oceanography disaster specialist... sweetheart. My character - his name is Jericho Kane.
- Boxer Santaros: Do you ever feel like there's a thousand people locked inside of you?
- Roland Taverner: Sometimes.
- Boxer Santaros: But it's your memory that keeps them glued together. Keeps all these people from fighting one another. Maybe in the end, that's all we have. The Memory Gospel.
- Martin Kefauver: Yo, dog, it says - it says "transaction denied," dog. Yo, what - what do I do?
- Roland Taverner: We're going to take the ATM machine with us to Mexico.
- Boxer Santaros: It all hinges on a Top Secret experiment. A young couple comes home from the hospital with a newborn baby. A week goes by and the baby still hasn't produced a bowel movement.
- Roland Taverner: Maybe the baby's just constipated.
- Boxer Santaros: No, no, no, no. This is a *very* special baby. This baby processes energy differently.
- Roland Taverner: I haven't had a bowel movement in 6 days. I haven't taken a piss, either.
- Roland Taverner: So why do you want to kill yourself?
- Martin Kefauver: I got drafted, dog. I got to go to Iraq, maybe Syria. Can't take that shit.