Candice Bergen credited as playing...
Shirley Schmidt
- Denny Crane: You left me, Shirley. Women don't leave Denny Crane. And for a secretary!
- Shirley Schmidt: It was the Secretary of Defense.
- Alan Shore: Shirley? What about senior partners? There would be nothing wrong with me, lusting, say, after... you? Would there?
- Shirley Schmidt: Go subscribe to National Geographic. Make a list of the places you'll never get to visit. Add to that list, Schmidt.
- Shirley Schmidt: He is ultimately a benign man who we all happen to care about, including you. I think what you really mean to do is voice your concern unofficially.
- Lori Colson: I'm making an official complaint. If there's forms to be filled out please have them sent to my office.
- [Lori walks away]
- Shirley Schmidt: You little bitch.
- Denny Crane: How can you ban red meat?
- Dominick Ryan: Well, they've got a whole campaign, they're going to go with it. They plan to promote Summersport as the seafood capital of the world.
- Denny Crane: We're carnivores. When the pilgrims landed, first thing they did was eat a few Indians.
- Dominick Ryan: [Shirley and Dominick stare at him] Is there anything we can do?
- Shirley Schmidt: We'll get an immediate TRO.
- Denny Crane: I'll argue it myself. Ban red meat. That cannot pass Constitutional mustard.
- Shirley Schmidt: The word is "muster", Denny, but you're right, the law lacks condiments.
- Shirley Schmidt: Do not make yourself the story. The jury needs to be focused on him.
- Denny Crane: [incredulous] Did you just say don't make me the story?