Jean Reno credited as playing...
Ponton
- Ponton: He was just found dead in the training facility locker room. Shot in the head.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Was it fatal?
- Ponton: Yes.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: How fatal?
- Ponton: Um, completely.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I want to talk to him now.
- Ponton: He's dead.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ah!
- Ponton: You continue to surprise me, inspector.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Get used to it, Ponton. With me, surprises are rarely unexpected.
- Cherie: I heard Bizu say: "Oh, it's you." And then there was gunfire.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ponton, go to your databases. I want to interrogate every person in Paris with ze name "You". And Ponton...
- [about Bizu - dead]
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: ... don't you find it a bit of a coincidence zat ze body fell perfectly within ze chalk outline on ze floor?
- Ponton: I think they drew the chalk outline later.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ah! We are dealing with some kind of - mastermind.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Intermittently, and without warning, I will attack you whenever and wherever it is least inspected. In this way, I will keep you vigilant and alert. Agreed?
- Ponton: Yes.
- [attacks Ponton, but Ponton hits Clouseau]
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Good one.
- Ponton: Thank you.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [asking Ponton about his wife] Tell me about her.
- Ponton: I consider her the most beautiful woman in the world.
- [pauses]
- Ponton: What about yourself?
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: No, I don't consider myself a beautiful woman.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And you are?
- Ponton: Gilbert Ponton. Detective, second class. I've been assigned to work with you.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And what qualifications do you have for police work?
- Ponton: My family's done police work in Paris for nine generations.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And before that?
- Ponton: We were policemen in the surrounding areas for 200 years.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And before that?
- Ponton: Immigrants from various countries in Europe. All involving police work.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And before that?
- Ponton: Farmers.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Hmm. So you are a little lamb who has come to Clouseau for to learn.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What?
- Ponton: Nothing.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You didn't say: Stop the car. Dear God, I beg of you, stop the car?
- Ponton: No.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: The good-cop/bad-cop routine is working perfectly.
- Ponton: You know, usually two different cops do that.
- Ponton: Have you ever had a hamburger?
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Well, of course not. It's a disgusting American food.
- [starts eating the hamburger he was holding and enjoys it]
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: In the name of the statutes and laws of the great nation of France, I arrest you for the murder of Yves Gluant. Yuri, the trainer who trains.
- [Clouseau unmasks Yuri; the guests gasp]
- Palais Reporter: And who are you?
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau unmasks himself] I am Inspector Jacques Clouseau.
- Yuri: Gluant was nothing! I drew up the plays. He takes credit for brilliant French defense which I gave him and treats me like I'm dead. Okay, fine. Now he is dead from Chinese poison.
- [the crowd gasps in shock]
- Ponton: Inspector, what made you think it was him?
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: But, Ponton, think back. You were there.
- [Flashback to Ms. Yu's interrogation]
- Yu: [in subtitled Chinese] Why do you bother me? Why did you bring me down here? I'm busy. The soccer coach was killed with Chinese poison. You should look for soccer trainers. They are required to have a knowledge of Chinese herbs.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: She was right, of course. According to Statute 87223, every trainer of the National soccer team must have a knowledge of Chinese herbs.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Flashback to Yves Gluant's murder] This made it easy for him to murder Gluant.
- Palais Reporter: And Bizu?
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Simple. Bizu had often heard Yuri's rants against Gluant. So Bizu blackmailed Yuri and got himself killed.
- Bizu: [Flashback to Bizu's murder] Oh, it's you.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: A stunning shot to the head burrowing deeply into the occipital lobe.
- Chief Inspector Dreyfus: But Yuri is a soccer trainer. That shot was made by an expert marksman.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: But Chief Inspector, I'm sure you're familiar with Russian Army statute 611.
- Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Well, of course.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau, Chief Inspector Dreyfus: All members must be expert marksmen...
- Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Expert marksmen.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau, Chief Inspector Dreyfus: ...and understand the location of the occipital...
- Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Occipital lobe, of course.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Yes.
- Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Very true.
- Palais Reporter: What about the diamond? What about the Pink Panther?
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Yes, Uh, thank you, Inspector Clouseau for carrying out my orders. Hand over the diamond, Yuri.
- Yuri: What do I care about your stinking diamond?
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: He does not have the diamond.
- Chief Inspector Dreyfus: [skeptically] The murderer does not have the diamond?
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: No.
- Chief Inspector Dreyfus: [mockingly] Well, then, where is it, Inspector Clouseau?
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: It is there! In her purse!
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Let me see.
- [He searches Xania's purse but finds nothing]
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Sorry, Clouseau, no diamond.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [He takes out a Swiss Army knife, and opens the miniature scissors] The purse, please.
- [He uses the mini-scissors to cut into the purse's inner lining]
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Could you hold that, please?
- [He hands the Swiss Army knife to Dreyfus, and takes the Pink Panther ring out of Xania's purse]
- Xania: After Gluant came to me, he said he decided to stop cheating on me. Then he asked me to marry him... and put the ring in my hands. After he was killed, I thought if I came forward with the ring, everyone would think I did it.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: If Gluant gave you the ring before he died, then according to Civil Statute 812-914B, you are the rightful owner. You may keep the Pink Panther.
- Ponton: But Inspector, how did you know she had it?
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: It was simple, Ponton. I was looking at a photo of myself at the checkpoint. Something caught my eye: Xania's purse passing through the X-ray machine. I enlarged the photo... and in it... the Pink Panther. The case is closed!
- [the crowd cheers and applauds]
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Chief Inspector, I can't thank you enough for giving me the opportunity to solve the Pink Panther murder. Without your decision to put me on the case, who knows, someone else might have won the Medal of Honor this year.
- Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Yes, I know.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I owe it all to you, chief inspector. Without you, I would be nothing.
- Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Perhaps you still are.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ah! Excellent verbal joust, Inspector.
- Chief Inspector Dreyfus: [the corner of Dreyfus's coat gets caught in the car door as Clouseau closes it] You idiot!
- Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Oh, no.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Hit it, Ponton.
- [Ponton drives away with Dreyfus being dragged on the road]
- Chief Inspector Dreyfus: No! Clouseau! Stop the car. Deer--
- [the rest of Dreyfus's conversation goes unheard]
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What?
- Ponton: Nothing.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You didn't say: "Stop the car. Dear God, I beg of you, stop the car"?
- Ponton: No.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Hmm...
- Ponton: [after Xania has invited him to dinner] It might be a trap.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Who cares?
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Now, a few hours before the murder, six witnesses saw you repeatedly striking the deceased and screaming-- What was it, Ponton?
- Ponton: 'I am going to kill you. 'I am going to kill you.'
- [repeated lines]
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [after Ponton blocks one of Clouseau's surprise attacks with a counter-attack of his own] Good one.
- Ponton: Thank you.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Clouseau.
- Ticket Checker: I'm sorry, but your name is not on the list.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Not on the list?
- Ponton: Dreyfus must have made sure you cannot get in.
- [Nicole makes a bird call, motioning for Clouseau and Ponton to meet her]
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ponton.
- [he hums as he and Ponton stroll away from the main gate to meet Nicole]
- Nicole: Inspector, here is your bag.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Good work, Nicole.
- Ponton: What is that?
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Camouflage. Let's go. Nicole.
- Nicole: Yes?
- Nicole: One last thing.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Yes?
- [Clouseau removes her glasses]
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: It's evening, and you look beautiful without your glasses.
- Nicole: Thank you, inspector.
- [she squints, and bumps into a tree]
- Nicole: Oh, ow!
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [His leg accidentally touches the bed's wheel lock, and it starts to roll away] You know, Ponton.
- Ponton: Yes, Inspector.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: This is a very hard time for Inspector Dreyfus. It is important that we show compassion. And we must use the gentle healing power of laughter.
- [Dreyfus groans as his bed rolls into the hospital corridor and down a staircase. The Pink Panther theme starts playing. Doctors, nurses, and medical staff start panicking and shrieking as Dreyfus's bed continues to roll away]
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: This is going to hurt.
- Chief Inspector Dreyfus: [Dreyfus and his bed fly through a window and into the River Seine] Clouseau!
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ooh. That breeze feels good.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [wearing wallpaper pattern disguises] Good work, Ponton. We're in. Look! It's the killer! After him! Change outfits.
- [They take off their masks. The palace guard arrives]
- Palace Guard: Stop! Turn around. Who are you? What are you doing here?
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: We are-- We are, we are two-- We are-- I'll tell you exactly who we are.
- Ponton: Yes.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: We are -
- [Nicole arrives]
- Nicole: I have been looking for you two everywhere. Where the hell have you been?
- Palace Guard: You know these two?
- Nicole: [slightly annoyed] Of course I know them. They are Xania's back-up dancers. They go on in the third act with the Komodo dragon and the snow machine. Why do you think they are dressed like that, for fun?
- Palace Guard: Prove it.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I don't have to prove -
- [the palace guard cocks his gun; Clouseau starts to dance and Ponton joins in the dance number while Xania continues singing]
- Nicole: [Clouseau and Ponton pant for breath after they've finished dancing] Can't you see these dancers are exhausted? Go and fetch them some water.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [the palace guard leaves] That was fantastic.
- Nicole: [giggles] You think so?
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You are... an amazing woman.
- [He approaches Nicole to kiss her, only to be interrupted by Ponton]
- Ponton: Inspector, the killer.
- [Clouseau returns and kisses Nicole]
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Now I am ready to catch a killer.