- Perry: My $2000 ceramic Vektor my mother got me as a special gift. You threw in the lake next to the car. What happens when they drag the lake? You think they'll find my pistol. Jesus. Look up "idiot" in the dictionary. You know what you'll find?
- Harry: A picture of me?
- Perry: No! The definition of the word idiot, which you fucking are!
- Perry: [talking over the phone] We gotta move her somewhere. You got gloves?
- Harry: [over the phone] Excuse me?
- Perry: Gloves. Do you have gloves? You have to move her. If it's a frame-up, some asshole's probably calling the cops on you right now. Do this: wrap up the body in a blanket, a sheet, anything.
- Harry: Okay, any particular kind of gloves?
- Perry: [sarcastically] Yes, fawn. Will you fucking hurry!
- Harry: Perry?
- Perry: Yeah?
- Harry: I peed on it.
- Perry: What? You peed on what?
- Harry: I peed on the corpse. Can they do, like, I.D. from that?
- Perry: I'm sorry, you peed on...?
- Harry: On the corpse. My question is...
- Perry: No, my question, I get to go first: Why in pluperfect hell would you pee on a corpse?
- Harry: I didn't intend to! It's not like I did it for kicks!
- Harry: Well what I'm doing for the guy who likes to bluff is I'm playing a little game called "Am I Bluffing?"
- [Loads one round into the revolver to play Russian Roulette]
- Harry: Where is she? Where the fuck is Harmony? You want to play hardball? I can do that.
- [Spins the chamber and points the gun]
- Harry: Where is the girl?
- [Shoots the guy in the head]
- Perry: [Stuttering at first] What did you just do?
- Harry: [Confused] I just put in one bullet, didn't I?
- Perry: You put a live round in that gun?
- Harry: Well yeah, there was like an 8% chance.
- Perry: Eight? Who taught you math!
- Harry: What is it out here with these women?
- Harmony: Oh please, Harry, they're no different from anywhere else.
- Harry: Yes, they are. These are damaged goods, every one of them, from way back. I'm telling you, you take a guy who sleeps with 100 women a year, go into his childhood - dollars to doughnuts, it's relatively unspectacular...
- Harry: [putting a cigarette in his mouth] ... Now, you take one of these... gals, who sleeps with 100 guys a year, and I *bet* you if you look in their childhood, there's something rotten in Denver.
- Harmony: Denmark.
- Harry: [closing his cigarette lighter] That too! But it's abandonment, it's abuse, it's, "My uncle put his ping-ping in my papa!"... and then they all come out here!
- Harry: [continuing] I mean, it's literally like someone took America by the East Coast and *shook* it, and all the normal girls managed to hang on.
- Harmony: OK, everyone who hates Harry raise your hand!
- [all the girls in the club raise their hands]
- Perry: See that? Obedient little bitches too.
- [girl screams "Fuck you!" and throws a glass, which he dodges]
- Perry: You don't get it, do you? This isn't "good cop, bad cop." This is fag and New Yorker. You're in a lot of trouble.
- Harry: She had something, that gal tonight, this quality. You know, like the girl from high school, the one that got away that - you know what I mean? - that haunts you still.
- Perry: Yeah, I had that.
- Harry: You did?
- Perry: Bobby Mills.
- Harry: Eugh. Hunh. Well, maybe you should try to get in touch with him. I got 5 bucks says you could still get him.
- Perry: Really? That's funny. I got a 10 says pass the pepper. I got two quarters sing harmony on "Moonlight in Vermont".
- Harry: What?
- Harry: Talking money.
- Harry: A talking monkey?
- Perry: A talking monkey, yeah, yeah. Came here from the future. Ugly sucker. Only says "ficus".
- Perry: [to the audience] Thanks for coming, please stay for the end credits, if you're wondering who the best boy is, it's somebody's nephew, um, don't forget to validate your parking, and to all you good people in the Midwest, sorry we said fuck so much.
- Harry: Yeah, boo, hiss, I know. Look, I hate it too. In movies where the studio gets all paranoid about a downer ending so the guy shows up, he's magically alive on crutches, I hate that. I mean shit, why not bring them all back?
- [Everyone who has been killed in the movie starts meandering into the hospital room, including Abraham Lincoln; a nurse shoos them all out again.]
- Harry: But the point is in this case, this time, it really happened. Perry, like, lived. Yeah, it's a dumb movie thing, but what do you want me to do, lie about it?
- [even fat Elvis walks into the room for a couple of seconds, before being shooed out.]
- Harry: [seeing Perry expose the gun from his crotch after shooting their captor] Thank god you had a gun in there; for a second I thought it was like a gay thing, like, somehow you guys could do that
- [Harry catches Agent Type feeling up Harmony, who's passed out]
- Harry: You know what? You'd better be her doctor.
- [Agent Type looks up, busted]
- Harry: Walk away, don't think, just do it.
- Agent Type: What are you, her brother or something? It's none of your business, man. I will fuck you up.
- Harry: [coolly] No. You'll try, and that little experiment will end in tears, my friend. So, again for the cheap seats, do not think, walk the *fuck* away - or let's you and me go outside right now. It's past my bedtime. Make a choice.
- [Cut immediately to Harry on the ground, getting savagely beaten by the Agent Type]
- Perry: Harmony was right, her sister was murdered. You pulled the trigger. It just took this long for the bullet to hit.
- Harmony: You think I'm amazing. You do. Cause that's who I told you I'd be. That was the game plan.
- Harry: Yeah, well, you know what, it worked.
- Harmony: You know what? No one else thinks so.
- Harry: What, my opinion doesn't count?
- Harmony: Actually, no it doesn't. Cause you're new here. If you just look around, there's younger and there's better.
- Harry: I don't want younger and better, I want you!
- Harry: [narrating] Anyway, by now you may wonder how I wound up here. Or, maybe not. Maybe you wonder how silly putty picks shit up from comic books. The point is, I don't see another Goddamn narrator, so pipe down.
- Harry: And that's how she got to the same party as me. Oh shit. I skipped something. Damn it. This whole robot bit. I made a big deal, then I like totally forgot. Fuck, this is bad narrating. Like my dad telling a joke. "Oh, wait back up. I forgot to tell you the cowboy rode a blue horse." Fuck. Anyway, I don't know if you want to see it now, but here's the fucking robot stuff for your viewing pleasure. Can I say "fuck" more?
- Harry: [voiceover] I sent Harmony home believing A, we'd meet tomorrow to go over her case, and B, I'm not actually gay. Please do not ask me how I did B.
- Harry: [after overpowering and pistol-whipping a guy who'd had a gun on him and Perry] Doesn't that suck? I just hit you for no reason. I don't even know why.
- B-Movie Actress: So what do you do for a living?
- Harry: Uh, I'm retired. I invented dice when I was a kid. How about you do?
- Harmony's Dad: Do I know you?
- Perry: No. Just in town for the funeral.
- Harmony's Dad: What do you want?
- Perry: Well, I was going to go to the zoo, but it was closed, so I thought I'd come here and look at an animal.
- Harmony's Dad: Son of a... Who do you think you're talking to? I buried my daughter today!
- Perry: No. You buried her twenty years ago. Harmony was right, her sister was murdered. You pulled the trigger. It just took this long for the bullet to hit.
- Harmony's Dad: Who are you? I loved my girl.
- [Perry backhands him]
- Harmony's Dad: You fucker! If I could get out of this bed...
- Perry: Yeah? Well, you can't.
- [Perry backhands him again]
- Harmony's Dad: You bastard! Old man that can't defend himself. Big tough guy.
- Perry: Yeah, that's right. Big tough guy.
- Mr. Frying Pan: Well now, here we all are. Ike, Mike and Mustard.
- Harry: What the hell does that mean?
- Mr. Fire: You know, I'm with him on this one man, that's pretty fuckin' obscure.
- Mr. Frying Pan: Horseshit, I hear that all the time.
- Mr. Fire: You do?
- Mr. Frying Pan: Yeah, sure.
- Mr. Fire: Where, at the 1942 club?
- Mr. Frying Pan: Hey, just cause you didn't get in...
- Mr. Fire: Motherfucker I could've gotten in...
- [Harry tries to make a break for it]
- Mr. Fire: [pushing Harry back into his seat] Hey-ey-EY! Slow your roll, man!
- Perry: What are you doing?
- Harry: I'm just trying to wrap up the movie, and leave people with a message.
- Perry: Oh, I've got a message for you. Get your feet off my fucking desk.
- Harry: Sorry.
- [Harry moves his feet]
- Harry: I work for Perry now, obviously.
- Perry: [Perry places his hand over Harry's mouth] And stop narrating.
- Harry: [narrating] I tell him about destiny; he's shaking his head. About dreamgirls; he doesn't care. I mention the underwear thing? He has a *fucking conniption*. And you? How 'bout it, filmgoer? Have you solved the case of the - the dead people in L.A.? Times Square audiences, please don't shout at the screen, and stop picking at that, it'll just get worse.
Contribute to this page
Suggest an edit or add missing content
