Fred Tatasciore credited as playing...
Samuel L. Jackson
- Gary Johnston: Wait! Hold on! Spottswoode, I think we just found the entrance to the theater! Have Sarah and Joe lock on to...
- Gary Johnston: [he's kicked in the face and falls away backwards] Oof!
- Tim Robbins: [drops down from the ceiling] GRRRRR!
- Chris: Gary!
- [Martin Sheen knocks him out with a wrench]
- Tim Robbins: [shouts] Actors Ho!
- Helen Hunt: Helen Hunt!
- Samuel L. Jackson: Samuel Jackson!
- Matt Damon: Matt Damon!
- [a bit slurred, like a speech impediment. Gary gets up, only to be kicked in the face by Samuel Jackson]
- Samuel L. Jackson: Motherfucker!
- [Helen Hunt kicks Chris in the face]
- Spottswoode: Gary, Chris, come in!
- [no response]
- Helen Hunt: I'm... Helen Hunt!
- Samuel L. Jackson: Samuel L. Jackson!
- Matt Damon: [stupidly] Mmmaaattt Dammmmmooonnnn!
- [Backstage. Alec Baldwin paces the floor]
- A Page: Five minutes, Mr. Baldwin!
- Alec Baldwin: Thank you.
- [Tim Robbins and Martin Sheen rush in]
- Martin Sheen: Alec! We have a problem!
- Tim Robbins: Team America escaped!
- Alec Baldwin: WHAT? You FOOLS! They'll ruin everything!
- Helen Hunt: We'd better warn everyone; they'll be headed here!
- Alec Baldwin: No! We can't look weak and powerless! If violence is all those bastards understand, then violence they'll get! EVERY ACTOR GRAB A GUN AND KEEP TEAM AMERICA FROM REACHING THIS CEREMONY AT ALL COSTS!
- Sean Penn: K'PLA!
- Janeane Garofolo, Liv Tyler, Samuel L. Jackson, George Clooney: K'PLA!
- Tim Robbins: [slowly, with determination] I swear, they won't reach this stage!