Jon Cryer credited as playing...
Alan Harper • Sid Olsen
- Alan Harper: Okay, name 3 things you would change about me.
- Charlie: Your personality, your wardrobe and your address.
- Alan Harper: You're writing a report on The Taming Of The Shrew, not The Voyages Of Cap'n Crunch!
- Jake Harper: Too bad. I could write the crap out of that.
- Alan Harper: Okay... I'm not fooling around here...! You're gonna finish this DAMN BOOK and write the DAMN REPORT, and you're gonna hand it in on Monday, spell-checked, formatted AND ON FREAKIN' TIME!
- Jake Harper: I have my doubts, dad.
- Alan Harper: [they are just about to sleep] You want to watch porn first?
- Charlie: No!
- Alan Harper: Why not?
- Charlie: I'm drunk, in bed, in a hotel room with my brother and you want to know why I don't wanna watch porn?
- Alan Harper: [Alan is moving out, and Charlie has labeled a box "Porn And Blow-Up Doll"] You couldn't spell "Miscellaneous"?
- Charlie: You're angry and resentful. But what you need to understand is that resentment is the mortar that holds the bricks of loneliness together in a wall of alienation and despair. Chapter 3: "Knocking Down the Wall".
- Alan Harper: Bite me. That's Chapter 1 in my forthcoming book entitled "Bite Me". Chapter 2 is called "Kiss My Pale White Ass".
- Alan Harper: Uh, if Mom's ever in a coma, you're the one who has to decide to pull the plug.
- Charlie: Pull.
- Alan Harper: A movie would be fine.
- Charlie: All right. A movie it is. What's out that's good?
- Jake Harper: There's a new pirate movie. It's rated "Arrrr"!
- [Alan and Charlie doesn't laugh and just stare at him]
- Alan Harper: [when his receptionist keeps staring at him] Have I told you lately you are doing a great job? Because you are doing a great job! In fact, I'm gonna make you employee of the month!
- Alan Harper: A little religion isn't gonna kill you.
- Jake Harper: Oh, yeah? What's *your* definition of "bloodsoaked vengeance"?