Jason Bateman credited as playing...
Pepper Brooks
- Cotton McKnight: I'm being told that Average Joe's does not have enough players and will be forfeiting the championship match.
- Pepper Brooks: It's a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off for 'em.
- Cotton McKnight: In 23 years of broadcasting I thought I'd seen it all, folks. But it looks like Peter La Fleur has actually blindfolded himself.
- Pepper Brooks: He will not be able to see very well, Cotton.
- Cotton McKnight: Looks like it's gonna be a two-on-one, a ménage à trois of pain.
- Pepper Brooks: Usually you pay double for that kind of action, Cotton.
- Cotton McKnight: Do you believe in unlikelihoods? Average Joe's shocking the dodgeball world and upsetting Globo Gym in the championship match!
- Pepper Brooks: Unbelievable!
- Cotton McKnight: Ladies and gentlemen, I have been to the Great Wall of China, I have seen the Pyramids of Egypt, I've even witnessed a grown man satisfy a camel. But never in all my years as a sportscaster have I witnessed something as improbable, as impossible, as what we've witnessed here today!
- Cotton McKnight: Average Joe's has a tough job, facing the Lumberjacks. These woodsmen probably haven't even smelled a woman in eight months.
- Pepper Brooks: They must masturbate a lot, Cotton.
- Cotton McKnight: And the Average Joe's beat the Germans in a *shocking* upset.
- Pepper Brooks: I feel *shocked*.
- [after sudden death is announced]
- Cotton McKnight: Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to witness the greatest happening in sport: sudden-death dodgeball.
- Pepper Brooks: Pepper needs new shorts!
- Cotton McKnight: [after Average Joes dressed in S&M enters the arena; slowly takes off glasses] Oh, my sweet Jesus.
- Pepper Brooks: [stares stupidly] That's rad.
- Audience Member: [to Peter] Hey, asshole! You guys *suck*!
- Cotton McKnight: It looks like the clock is about to strike midnight on this Cinderella story, turning Average Joe's into the proverbial pumpkin.
- Pepper Brooks: I sure do like pumpkins, Cotton.
- Cotton McKnight: We haven't seen Average Joe's yet. They haven't made it to the court. It could be a psychological ploy, or something worse.
- Pepper Brooks: They're definitely not on the court, Cotton. Their absence is noticeable.
- Cotton McKnight: Skillz might be looking past Average Joe's doing a little more dancing than dodgeballing out there.
- Pepper Brooks: They better chiggity-check themselves before they wreck themselves, Cotton.