- Sheriff Duncan: So how's about that chili cook-off? Word has it you're a shoo-in for first place this year.
- Waitress: Flattery will get you everywhere, Tom. I hear Cajun Charlie's whipping up a batch of his ass-kicking, bowel-bomber con carne.
- Sheriff Duncan: Shit, Cajun Charlie ain't got nothin' on you, honey.
- Waitress: You old sweet-talker, how about taking a dozen glazed old-fashioned when you go? I know Dan and Rick like 'em.
- Sheriff Duncan: How about you sit on my face and make me look like a glazed donut? Ain't no cop worth his badge that doesn't take your donuts home honey.
- Waitress: Any time, honey.
- Waitress: I hear tell Jack Schmidt escaped from Hardell last night and disappeared into the sewer.
- Sheriff Duncan: I wouldn't exactly say he disappeared... he got shot by a Federal Marshall... he fell into a vat of boiling acid and all the skin was ripped off his body.
- Waitress: So he's dead then?
- Sheriff Duncan: Yup.
- Sheriff Duncan: Hey Donny, give me another drink.
- Donny: Tom, that's number five. Is something on your mind?
- Sheriff Duncan: Hu Flung Pu.
- Donny: What?
- Sheriff Duncan: Never mind, it's just a little stupid joke we used to say as kids.
- Donny: So who was it?
- Sheriff Duncan: Who was what?
- Donny: Hu Flung Pu.
- Sheriff Duncan: You know, that's what everyone wants to know...
- Deputy Rick: It's gonna be okay, just tell us what happened.
- Daughter: A giant number two killed my Daddy.
- Deputy Dan: 'Kay, so a number two... like a number two puppet? Like on the TVTubbies? With the little gay guy?
- Deputy Rick: Was it a big puppet? Was it a big number two puppet?
- Daughter: No! It was a doo-doo!
- Deputy Rick: A doo-doo?
- Daughter: Yes, it was a big doo-doo, it was the biggest doo-doo in the world!
- Deputy Dan: So the biggest doo-doo in the world came and took your Daddy away?
- Deputy Rick: How big was this doo-doo?
- Daughter: It was bigger than you!
- Deputy Dan: [talking through a megaphone while Deputy Rick drives through the town] Citizens of Butte County: Due to the possible presence of a deadly parasite in the city sewer system, we ask that everyone refrain from using their toilets. The parasite enters the body through the rectum and can cause nausea, dizziness and possible death through prolonged exposure. We are currently taking steps to contain the parasite, and apologize for any inconvenience. If you must relieve yourself, please find an alternate source of disposal. Perhaps you could try crapping in a bucket and dumping it out the front window, like they did in the Middle Ages. Or the ever popular standard of shitting or just wetting your pants. The world's your oyster on this one, folks. You have to listen to everything I say, because I am a cop and I have a megaphone. Now listen carefully: the Martians are coming this way, in the event of a blast, cover yourself with wet newspaper until the blast has subsided. If you have a heart condition, or a young or impressionable child, we must insist that you refrain from seeing "Blood Feast". Is it me or is everybody in this town either ugly or retarded?
- [singing]
- Deputy Dan: First you take a dump in your pants, then you do the "Shit Your Pants Dance" round and round and round you will prance, when you do the "Shit Your Pants Dance"... hello everybody!
- Police sketch artist: 'Kay, So, uh, did you say, uh, you say there were, there were peanuts in it? You did say peanuts. Uh, would you say, uh, "creamy" or "chunky"? 'Kay... and, uh, so it sounds like you're describing a large Häagen-Dazs. Rocky Road-type... but that's okay, I suppose...
- Tech: [reading out loud what is written in feces on the wall] You gotta be shittin' me.
- Police sketch artist: Yeah, yeah, were there any other distinguishing marks that you can speak of, uh, per se? Uh, uh, Did you notice did it leave a trail... anything behind, like little bits and pieces of itself, anywhere, um, no? Okay, um, did it say anything, like, "Pbbbbt"?
- Dr. Stern: [trying to call the Shit-Man in the sewers by making farting noises] Pbbbbt! Pbbbbt! Pbbbbbbbbt!
- Deputy Rick: [Talking through the ventriloquist puppet] Hey dude, wanna smoke a doobie?
- Sheriff Duncan: So who's this fella?
- Deputy Rick: This here's "Donnie Doper." Dan and I were making him up as part of the new anti-drug program we'll be preaching to the elementary school this week.
- Deputy Dan: Thought it would be an interesting way to reach out to the kids. Rick made him up like a junky scumbag!
- Deputy Rick: [Talking through Donnie] You can end up just like me! A smelly, unemployed, dope smokin' dickweed, living off other people's spare change, and shooting up in public restrooms! Heh heh, groovy!
- Deputy Dan: Ha, little punk.
- Deputy Rick: [Talking through Donnie] You can't do shit to me, you pigfucker!
- [Talking normally]
- Deputy Rick: What'd you say to me, you little punk-bitch? You got something to say to me?
- [Talking through Donnie]
- Deputy Rick: Yeah! I got rights, man!
- [Talking normally]
- Deputy Rick: Oh, you want some rights? I'll give you some fucking rights! You have the right to remain silent!
- [Talking through Donnie]
- Deputy Rick: I want a lawyer!
- [Talking normally]
- Deputy Rick: You want a fucking lawyer? How about this?
- [slams Donnie against the wall]
- Deputy Rick: What? How do you like that? You really think that's fucking funny, hippie freak? You fucking...
- [slams Donnie against the wall again]
- Deputy Rick: Huh? Yeah? You got a problem with that, mother fucker?
- [slams Donnie on the desk]
- Deputy Rick: Goddamn piece of shit! You...
- [starts incoherently swearing while beating Donnie with a flashlight, while Dan and Duncan look on awkwardly]
- Sheriff Duncan: What in the hell could of done that?
- Agent Hannigan: I don't know, I don't even want to guess.
- Sheriff Duncan: Okay, this is gonna sound crazy, but you know that old urban legend,you know, with the alligator in the sewer?... Gettin' flushed down the toilet?... And it grows to gigantic proportions...?
- Agent Hannigan: You've been watching too many crappy horror movies, Sheriff.
- Deputy Dan: It looks like we have a 12-13 act in progress, over.
- Sheriff Duncan: A what? Over.
- Deputy Dan: It's a new code for chasing a man down into a sewer tunnel. Rick didn't think we had one, so he uh... made one up.
- Female Marshal: Freeze, Schmidt!
- Deputy Rick: Hands in the air!
- Jack Schmidt: Eat shit, piggy!
- [marshal fires her pistol]
- Jack Schmidt: You shot me, you bitch!
- Deputy Rick: Whoa whoa whoa, there's some shit down here.
- Female Marshal: We're in a sewer, brainiac.
- Deputy Rick: No no no, I'm not talking about shit-shit, I'm talking about green, steamy, slimey shit.
- Agent Hannigan: Did you question Mrs. Keller about her husband's whereabouts in the last 24 hours?
- Deputy Rick: Hell no! We just wanted to get the hell out of there.
- Deputy Dan: We just thought we should mention the Jack Schmidt thing as soon as possible.
- Deputy Rick: Dan got pictures of 'em!
- Deputy Dan: Can't wait to see the look on my wife's face when she develops THAT roll!
- Agent Hannigan: That bacteria must have leaked from DuTech Genetics. I know this sounds impossible, but it seems like it somehow mutated Jack Schmidt's genetic makeup when he was down there in that tank.
- Sheriff Duncan: I liked the alligator in the sewer, better.