Paul Rudd credited as playing...
Brian Fantana
- Brian Fantana: [about Veronica] I'll give this little cookie an hour before we're doing the no-pants dance. Time to musk up.
- [opens cologne cabinet]
- Ron Burgundy: Wow. Never ceases to amaze me. What cologne you gonna go with? London Gentleman, or wait. No, no, no. Hold on. Blackbeard's Delight.
- Brian Fantana: No, she gets a special cologne... It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries... Yep, it's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good.
- Ron Burgundy: It's quite pungent.
- Brian Fantana: Oh yeah.
- Ron Burgundy: It's a formidable scent... It stings the nostrils. In a good way.
- Brian Fantana: Yep.
- Ron Burgundy: Brian, I'm gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.
- Brian Fantana: They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time, it works every time.
- [cheesy grin]
- Ron Burgundy: That doesn't make sense.
- Brian Fantana: Well... Let's go see if we can make this little kitty purr.
- [snarls]
- Brian Fantana: I think I was in love once.
- Ron Burgundy: Really? What was her name?
- Brian Fantana: I don't remember.
- Ron Burgundy: That's not a good start, but keep going...
- Brian Fantana: She was Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird. I met her in the bathroom of a K-Mart and we made out for hours. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again.
- Ron Burgundy: I'm pretty sure that's not love.
- Brian Fantana: Damn it.
- Veronica Corningstone: My God, what is that smell? Oh.
- Brian Fantana: That's the smell of desire my lady.
- Veronica Corningstone: God no, it smells like, like a used diaper... filled with... Indian food. Oh, excuse me.
- Brian Fantana: You know, desire smells like that to some people.
- News Station Employee: [disgusted] What is that? Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair.
- News Station Employee: [horrified] Smells like Bigfoot's dick!
- Brian Fantana: [tries to act casual and walk away] Whoa, what's that smell?
- Brick Tamland: [opposing women in the newsroom] I read somewhere their periods attract bears. Bears can smell the menstruation.
- Brian Fantana: Well, that's just great. You hear that, Ed? Bears. Now you're putting the whole station in jeopardy.
- Ron Burgundy: Last time I looked in the dictionary, my name's Ron Burgundy. What's your name?
- Brian Fantana: Brian Fantana.
- Champ Kind: Champ Kind.
- Brick Tamland: Brian Fantana.
- Brian Fantana: No, you're Brick.
- Brick Tamland: Brian.
- Brian Fantana: I'm Brian.
- Brick Tamland: Veronica.
- Brian Fantana: Where is the suit store? We've been walking for forty-five minutes.
- Champ Kind: Brick, I thought you said this was a shortcut.
- Brick Tamland: Fantastic.
- Ron Burgundy: Well, is it a shortcut or not?
- Brick Tamland: Okay.
- Brian Fantana: Don't get me wrong, I *love* the ladies. I mean they rev my engine, but they do NOT belong in the newsroom!
- Champ Kind: It is anchor *man*, not anchor *lady*. And that is a scientific fact.
- Brick Tamland: [Absolutely furious] I don't know what we're yelling about!
- Brian Fantana: You're with us, Ron, what do you think?
- Ron Burgundy: [shouting] She... Sh... It's terrible! She has beautiful eyes! And her hair smells like cinnamon!
- Brick Tamland: [shouts] *LOUD* *NOISES*!
- Ron Burgundy: Veronica Corningstone and I had sex, and now we are in love!
- [Brian shuts office door]
- Ron Burgundy: Did I say that loud?
- Brian Fantana: Yeah, you pretty much yelled it.
- Brian Fantana: People call me the Bry man; I'm the stylish one of the group. I know what you're asking yourself and the answer is yes. I have a nick name for my penis. Its called the Octagon, but I also nick named my testes - my left one is James Westphal and my right one is Doctor Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right you just might get to meet the whole gang.
- Ron Burgundy: [singing] Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight / Gonna grab some afternoon delight / My motto's always been, "When it's right, it's right" / Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?
- Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] When everything's a little clearer in the light of day / And we know the night is always gonna be there anyway.
- Brian Fantana, Brick Tamland: [singing] Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite / Looking forward to a little afternoon delight / Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite / And the thought of lovin' you is getting so exciting.
- Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] Sky rockets in flight / Afternoon delight.
- Ron Burgundy: You guys have it, I think.
- Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] Afternoon delight.
- Champ Kind: I don't know Ron, That sounds kinda crazy.
- Brian Fantana: Sounds like you have mental problems, man.
- Brick Tamland: Yeah you got mental problems, man.
- Brian Fantana: Yeah, he really does.
- Brick Tamland: Man.
- Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] Afternoon delight.
- Ron Burgundy: Let's go to Brian Fantana who's live on the scene with a Channel 4 News exclusive. Brian?
- Brian Fantana: Panda Watch. The mood is tense; I have been on some serious, serious reports but nothing quite like this. I uh... Ching... King is inside right now. I tried to get an interview with him, but they said no, you can't do that he's a live bear, he will literally rip your face off.
- [to the Panda]
- Brian Fantana: Hey, you're making me look stupid. Get out here, Panda Jerk!
- Ron Burgundy: Great story. Compelling, and rich.
- Champ Kind: The bottom line is you've been spending a lot of time with this lady, Ron. You're a member of the Channel Four News Team.
- Ron Burgundy: That's a given.
- Champ Kind: We need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without you. I miss you so damn much! I miss being with you. I miss being *near* you. I miss your laugh!
- [laughs playfully and pulls on Ron's sleeve]
- Champ Kind: I miss your scent.
- [composes himself, becomes serious]
- Champ Kind: I miss your musk... When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together!
- Brian Fantana: Take it easy, Champ. Why don't you stop talking for a while.
- Brian Fantana: So the team pancake breakfast is tomorrow morning at nine, instead of eight.
- Ron Burgundy: Oop... I almost forgot. I won't be able to make it fellas. Veronica and I trying this new fad called uh, jogging. I believe it's jogging or yogging. it might be a soft j. I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild.
- Brian Fantana: That was one crazy party. I am *hung ovaaah!*.
- Champ Kind: [theatrical version only] I woke up on the floor of some Japanese family's rec room, and they would NOT stop screaming.
- Brick Tamland: Oh, yeah. I ate a big red candle.
- Ron Burgundy: Go easy on her, guys, she has feelings too, you know.
- Brian Fantana: Listen to Burgundy, he sounds like some school-boy bitch.
- Champ Kind: You sound like a gay.
- Ron Burgundy: Hey, this is me - Papa Burgundy. As far as I'm concerned Corningstone's fair game. Let the games begin. Wey-ho. Wey-ho.
- Brian Fantana: There he is, there he is... I'm very aroused
- Ron Burgundy: Everyone just relax, all right? Believe me, if there's one thing Ron Burgundy knows, it's women.
- Brian Fantana: I don't know, Ron.
- Ron Burgundy: Guess what, I do. I know that one day Veronica and I are gonna to get married on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited.
- [last lines]
- Ron Burgundy: We are laughing and we are very good friends. Good buddies sharing a special moment...
- Brian Fantana: Don't say anything Ron and just let it happen.
- Ron Burgundy: ...laughing and enjoying our friendship, and someday we'll look back on this with much fondness.
- Brian Fantana: Yeah, yeah. You know, you really ruin moments when you do that.
- Brian Fantana: [seriously] I'm telling you, this lady has really crawled into Ron's head.
- Brick Tamland: [breaks out laughing] That's a good one.
- Champ Kind: What's it like, Ron?
- Ron Burgundy: The intimate times? Outta sight, my man.
- Brian Fantana: No, the other thing - love.
- Brick Tamland: Yeah, what is that?