David Koechner credited as playing...
Champ Kind
- Ron Burgundy: Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast.
- Champ Kind: It jumped up a notch.
- Ron Burgundy: It did, didn't it?
- Brick Tamland: Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart.
- Ron Burgundy: I saw that. Brick killed a guy. Did you throw a trident?
- Brick Tamland: Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident.
- Ron Burgundy: Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.
- Ed Harken: A lot of you have been hearing the affiliates complaining about a lack of diversity on the news team.
- Champ Kind: What in the hell's diversity?
- Ron Burgundy: Well, I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.
- Ed Harken: Ron, I would be surprised if the affiliates were concerned about the lack of an old, old wooden ship, but nice try.
- Ron Burgundy: Last time I looked in the dictionary, my name's Ron Burgundy. What's your name?
- Brian Fantana: Brian Fantana.
- Champ Kind: Champ Kind.
- Brick Tamland: Brian Fantana.
- Brian Fantana: No, you're Brick.
- Brick Tamland: Brian.
- Brian Fantana: I'm Brian.
- Brick Tamland: Veronica.
- Champ Kind: I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again.
- Wes Mantooth: Dorothy Mantooth is a Saint!
- Ron Burgundy: Hey, let's leave the mothers out of this.
- Brian Fantana: Where is the suit store? We've been walking for forty-five minutes.
- Champ Kind: Brick, I thought you said this was a shortcut.
- Brick Tamland: Fantastic.
- Ron Burgundy: Well, is it a shortcut or not?
- Brick Tamland: Okay.
- Brian Fantana: Don't get me wrong, I *love* the ladies. I mean they rev my engine, but they do NOT belong in the newsroom!
- Champ Kind: It is anchor *man*, not anchor *lady*. And that is a scientific fact.
- Brick Tamland: [Absolutely furious] I don't know what we're yelling about!
- Brian Fantana: You're with us, Ron, what do you think?
- Ron Burgundy: [shouting] She... Sh... It's terrible! She has beautiful eyes! And her hair smells like cinnamon!
- Brick Tamland: [shouts] *LOUD* *NOISES*!
- Ron Burgundy: [singing] Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight / Gonna grab some afternoon delight / My motto's always been, "When it's right, it's right" / Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?
- Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] When everything's a little clearer in the light of day / And we know the night is always gonna be there anyway.
- Brian Fantana, Brick Tamland: [singing] Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite / Looking forward to a little afternoon delight / Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite / And the thought of lovin' you is getting so exciting.
- Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] Sky rockets in flight / Afternoon delight.
- Ron Burgundy: You guys have it, I think.
- Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] Afternoon delight.
- Champ Kind: I don't know Ron, That sounds kinda crazy.
- Brian Fantana: Sounds like you have mental problems, man.
- Brick Tamland: Yeah you got mental problems, man.
- Brian Fantana: Yeah, he really does.
- Brick Tamland: Man.
- Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] Afternoon delight.
- Champ Kind: What do you say if we go out on a date? Have some chicken, maybe some sex... You know, see what happens.
- Champ Kind: The bottom line is you've been spending a lot of time with this lady, Ron. You're a member of the Channel Four News Team.
- Ron Burgundy: That's a given.
- Champ Kind: We need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without you. I miss you so damn much! I miss being with you. I miss being *near* you. I miss your laugh!
- [laughs playfully and pulls on Ron's sleeve]
- Champ Kind: I miss your scent.
- [composes himself, becomes serious]
- Champ Kind: I miss your musk... When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together!
- Brian Fantana: Take it easy, Champ. Why don't you stop talking for a while.
- Brian Fantana: That was one crazy party. I am *hung ovaaah!*.
- Champ Kind: [theatrical version only] I woke up on the floor of some Japanese family's rec room, and they would NOT stop screaming.
- Brick Tamland: Oh, yeah. I ate a big red candle.
- Champ Kind: [uncut version] Tell me about it. I woke up this morning and I shit a squirrel. I mean it, literally. Hell of it is, damn thing's still alive. So I got this shit-covered squirrel down there in the office. Don't know what to name it.
- Brick Tamland: Oh, I'm sorry, Champ. I think I ate your chocolate squirrel.
- Ron Burgundy: Go easy on her, guys, she has feelings too, you know.
- Brian Fantana: Listen to Burgundy, he sounds like some school-boy bitch.
- Champ Kind: You sound like a gay.
- Ron Burgundy: Hey, this is me - Papa Burgundy. As far as I'm concerned Corningstone's fair game. Let the games begin. Wey-ho. Wey-ho.
- Brian Fantana: There he is, there he is... I'm very aroused
- Champ Kind: Champ here! I'm all about havin' fun. You know, get a couple cocktails in me, start a fire in someone's kitchen. Maybe go to SeaWorld, take my pants off. Anyway, I kinda known for my catch phrase WHAMMY! As in Gene Tenace at the plate... iiittt WHAMMY! WHAMMY!
- Brick Tamland: [after a rival news team insults Ron and the team. Brick is standing next to the rival team] Heinie...
- [laughs]
- Brick Tamland: He said heinie!
- Champ Kind: Brick, get back over here!
- Champ Kind: He's standing in the middle of the baseline saying, "You gotta take home plate from me!" So there I go head first...
- Champ Kind: What's it like, Ron?
- Ron Burgundy: The intimate times? Outta sight, my man.
- Brian Fantana: No, the other thing - love.
- Brick Tamland: Yeah, what is that?