J.K. Simmons: J. Jonah Jameson

Spider-Man 2

J. Jonah Jameson

[brainstorming a catchy 'super-villain' nickname for Dr. Otto Octavius]
J. Jonah Jameson: What are we gonna call this guy?
Hoffman: 'Doctor Octopus'?
J. Jonah Jameson: That's crap.
Hoffman: 'Science Squid'?
J. Jonah Jameson: Crap.
Hoffman: 'Doctor Strange'.
J. Jonah Jameson: That's pretty good.
[Hoffman looks proud]
J. Jonah Jameson: But it's taken! Wait, wait! I got it! 'Doctor Octopus'.
Hoffman: But... uh...
[gives up]
Hoffman: I like it.
J. Jonah Jameson: Of course you do. 'Doctor Octopus'. New villain in town: 'Doc Ock'.
Hoffman: Genius.
J. Jonah Jameson: What, are you looking for a raise? Get out!

Peter Parker: Mr. Jameson, please, isn't there any of these shots you can use? I really need the money.
J. Jonah Jameson: Awww. Miss Brant?
Miss Brant: Yeah?
J. Jonah Jameson: Get me a violin.

J. Jonah Jameson: [John Jameson has just been left at the altar by Mary Jane] Call Debra.
Mrs. Jameson: The caterer?
J. Jonah Jameson: Tell her not to open the caviar.

J. Jonah Jameson: I drove Spider-Man away. My god, he was a hero. Spider-Man truly was an asset to this city. He was...
J. Jonah Jameson: [a whooshing sound is heard and Jameson turns around - realizing that the Spider-Man costume is gone] ... a criminal! That's who he is! A burglar! He stole my suit! I want Spider-Man!
[sees an open window]
J. Jonah Jameson: I WANT SPIDER-MAN!

Miss Brant: [Walks in with Peter] Chief, I found Parker.
J. Jonah Jameson: 'Bout time, where were you? Crazy scientist blows himself up, and we don't have pictures!
Joseph 'Robbie' Robertson: I heard Spider-Man was there.
J. Jonah Jameson: [annoyed] And where were you, photographing squirrels? You're fired!
Miss Brant: [Peter turns to leave] Chief, the planetarium party.
J. Jonah Jameson: Oh, right. You're unfired. I need you. Come here.

J. Jonah Jameson: Come here. Parker, what do you know about high society?
Peter Parker: Oh... well, I...
J. Jonah Jameson: Don't answer that. My society photographer got hit in the head by a polo ball. You're all I got. Big party tonight for an American hero, my son the astronaut.
Peter Parker: [serious] Could you pay me in advance?
[Jameson laughs hysterically for a few seconds]
J. Jonah Jameson: You serious? What, pay you for just standing there? Tomorrow night, the planeterium, 8:00. There's the door.

J. Jonah Jameson: Guy named Otto Octavius winds up with eight limbs. Four mechanical arms welded right onto his body. What are the odds?

Garbage Man: [on bringing in Spider-Man's discarded costume] Now look, uh, I think I deserve a little something for this.
J. Jonah Jameson: Give ya fifty bucks.
Garbage Man: I could get more than that on eBay.
J. Jonah Jameson: All right, a hundred. Miss Brant, give this man his money and throw in a bar of soap.

J. Jonah Jameson: [to Peter Parker] Get your pretty little portfolio off my desk before I go into a diabetic coma!

J. Jonah Jameson: [discussing his son's wedding with his wife over the phone] Flowers? How much? If you spend any more on this thing, you can pick the daisies off my grave! Get plastic!

J. Jonah Jameson: Get a picture of a rancid chicken. Headline, "Food Poisoning Scare Sweeps City!"
Hoffman: [walks in] Some food got poisoned?
J. Jonah Jameson: [glares over] I'm a little nauseous, yeah!

J. Jonah Jameson: [speaking to his wife over the phone] Dear, we agreed to put on a wedding, not go into bankruptcy... Caviar? Who are we inviting, the czar? Get some cheese and crackers... some of those little cocktail weenies...