- Marcus: You're an emotional fucking cripple. Your soul is dog shit. Every single fucking thing about you is ugly.
- [Willie has just passed out]
- Gin: Look here, get himy outta here and I'll go smooth things over with Chipeska, Tell him it was food poisoning or something.
- Marcus: What do you mean, get him outta here?
- Gin: Take him to the car.
- Marcus: In case you didn't notice I'm a motherfucking dwarf, so unless you got a forklift handy, maybe you should lend a hand hmm?
- Gin: That figures. You want all kind of set-asides. Special treatment 'cause you're handicapped. You're all the same.
- Marcus: Special treatment? I'm 3-foot-fucking-tall you asshole! It's a matter of physics. Draw me a sketch of how I get him to the car, huh?
- Gin: Bitch, Bitch, Bitch!
- Marcus: Sketch it up, you fucking moron. Fucking Leonardo da Vinci.
- Gin: What'd you call me thigh-high?
- Marcus: I called you a fucking guinea homo from the 15th-fucking-century, you dickhead!
- Gin: I could stick you up my ass, small fry.
- Marcus: Yeah? You sure it ain't too sore from last night?
- Gin: You got some lip on you midget.
- Marcus: Yeah? Well these lips were on your wife's pussy last night. Why don't you dust that thing off once in a while? Asshole!
- Willie: You know, I think I've turned a corner.
- Marcus: Yeah? You fucking petites now?
- Willie: No, I'm not talking about that. I beat the shit out of some kids today. But it was for a purpose. It made me feel good about myself. It was like I did something constructive with my life or something, I dunno, like I accomplished something.
- Marcus: You need many years of therapy. Many, many fuckin' years of therapy.
- Kid: What are their names?
- Willie: Who?
- Kid: The Elves.
- Willie: Shit, I can't remember, I think one of them is Sneezy and there's a Dopey...
- Kid: That's the seven dwarfs!
- Willie: You're shittin' me? I thought... I was thinking there was a... I don't know! Fuck, kid; I just call them you know Bub, I call them... I say hey Bub or Chief or whatever the fuck, I tell them to make the god dammed toys.
- Willie: What the FUCK is wrong with you? I can't remember this shit. Does everything with you have to be a fucking test?
- Kid: How old are they?
- Marcus: It won't happen again. I can promise you that. Willie here has low blood sugar. That's all.
- Willie: That's right. I forgot to take my pill.
- Bob Chipeska: It's not just the swearing. Forgive me for prying, but did one of you, um, fornicate...
- Willie: Fornicate?
- Bob Chipeska: Yes. With a heavy-set woman in the big-and-tall dressing room?
- Willie: Look, I've boned a lot of fat chicks in my time, sure. But, as far back as I can remember, I've never fornicated anybody.
- Bob Chipeska: Yes... Well, even still, I think it's best for all parties considered if we...
- Marcus: If we what?
- Bob Chipeska: Well, I have somebody else interested in the position.
- Willie: Before you do something stupid you might want to think about this shit.
- Bob Chipeska: What are you talking about?
- Willie: I'm talking about firing a little black midget. A small, colored, African-American small person. That's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about your face all over goddamn USA Today, that's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about 150 of these little motherfuckers all over the sidewalk out there. Holding picket signs and using bullhorns and shit like that. Screaming and hollering your name out. Unfair practices, get me?
- Bob Chipeska: Oh no, this is not a handicapped thing. I have nothing against you people.
- Willie: You people? Did you hear that Marcus? He said 'You People.'
- Marcus: Who the hell is us people?
- Bob Chipeska: No... He said... But... what... No no. Um, I think it's best if we just forget we had this conversation.
- Willie: Good thinking. And don't worry about us. We'll be fine. Let's get the hell out of here Marcus.
- [Willie and Marcus get up to leave as Willie turns back to Bob]
- Willie: You're pathetic.
- Bob Chipeska: I just can't help it. There's something about the guy that makes me uneasy.
- Gin: Well sure. Santa fucking someone in the ass...
- Hindustani Troublemaker: I am not gay!
- Willie: What the hell, buddy.
- Hindustani Troublemaker: Buddy? I said I am not gay!
- Willie: Are you off your fucking meds or something?
- Hindustani Troublemaker: Yes. But that isn't what this is about. You're as queer as a ten dollar bill.
- Willie: Let me tell you something, motherfucker. My brother lost a goddamn arm fighting you fuckers in Vietnam. So I want you to look at me. I want you to look at my face one last fucking time. This is the last thing you're ever gonna see before I...
- Hindustani Troublemaker: [grabs Willie and pins him against the car] Elf fucker! Motherfucker. Elf fucker! Who's the bitch now, Santy Claus? Faggy Claus! Faggy...
- Kid: Leave Santa alone!
- Hindustani Troublemaker: Little boy, don't interfere. I am doing this for all of us.
- Kid: Leave Santa alone!
- Hindustani Troublemaker: [Willie pulls free. Hindustani Troublemaker turns to leave] Ass clown.
- Willie: Things are fucked up at the North Pole. Mrs. Claus caught me fucking her sister, now I'm out on my ass.
- Marcus: How much?
- Gin: Half.
- Willie: No fucking way...
- Marcus: Just back off, Will, I got this. I got this! Okay, 30%. That's three of us. 30%, that's fair.
- Gin: Half.
- Marcus: I meant 33%.
- Gin: I meant half.
- Marcus: And 1/3.
- Gin: Half.
- Marcus: 35%.
- Gin: Half.
- Marcus: 40%.
- Gin: Half.
- Marcus: 42%.
- Gin: [Mouthing] Half.
- Marcus: Um... 45%.
- Gin: [Pretends to think about it] Half.
- Marcus: 48%?
- Gin: [In British accent] Half.
- Marcus: 49%!
- Gin: Half.
- Willie: Well, what's one point?
- Kid: Why do you need a car?
- Willie: What the fuck are you talking about?
- Kid: This car.
- Willie: Which turn is it?
- Kid: Sage Terrace. Where's your sleigh?
- Willie: It's in the shop, getting repaired.
- Kid: Where are the reindeer?
- Willie: I stabled them. Is it left or right?
- Kid: That way. Where's the stable?
- Willie: Next to the shop.
- Kid: How do they sleep?
- Willie: Who? The reindeer? Standing up.
- Kid: But the noise. How do they sleep?
- Willie: What noise?
- Kid: From the shop.
- Willie: They only work during the day, all right?
- Kid: I thought it was always night at the North Pole.
- Willie: Well, not now. Right now it's always day.
- Kid: Then how do they sleep?
- Willie: Oh, shit. Sage Terrace. What is it with you, anyway? Somebody drop you on your fucking head?
- Kid: On *my* head?
- Willie: Well, yeah. What, are they gonna drop you on somebody else's head?
- Kid: How can they drop me onto my own head?
- Willie: No, not *onto* your... Would... God damn it! Are you fucking with me?
- Marcus: You are by far the dumbest, most pathetic piece of maggot eatin' shit that has every slid from a human being's hairy ass.
- [last lines]
- Skateboard Bully: Hey, loser. I hear your buddy's not here to protect you any more... See you got me a new bike. Thanks a lot... I'm talking to you, fat-ass!
- [Kid screams and kicks bully in the balls]
- Woman in Food Court: Look who's here! It's Santa! Tell Santa what you want for Christmas!
- Willie: [yelling] I'm on my fucking lunch break, OK?
- Woman in Food Court: The manager's going to hear about this.
- Willie: You think you're a threat? You think you can make my fucking life any worse? Go ahead, take a shot!
- Willie: [narrating] I've been to prison once, I've been married - twice. I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live in shit-ass Mexico for 2 1/2 years for no reason. I've had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out and I got a bone-chip in my ankle that's never gonna heal. I've seen some pretty shitty situations in my life, but nothing has ever sucked more ass than this!
- [from the unrated cut]
- Security Guard: You wouldn't be tryin' to hide something in those baggy pants of yours, would ya?
- Willie: Just something to cripple your sister with...
- Marcus: [after seeing Willie dry-humping a young girl playing pinball] That's just the kind of shit that's gonna get us pinched.
- Willie: She said she was 18.
- Marcus: But you promised no arcades! You said you'd only hustle Big and Tall.
- Willie: What, you shat me outta your womb? You're my fucking mom now? I don't need any god damn lectures outta you. I know how to keep a low profile, thank you.
- [Willie turns off the alarm on a stolen BMW automobile]
- Marcus: What the *fuck* is this, Mr. Low Profile?
- Willie: Mind your own god damn business.
- [He opens the car and a pile of empty beer bottles and cans fall out, then starts the car and drives away, shattering several beer bottles]
- Marcus: [shouting] Ever hear of the Open Bottle Law?
- Willie: [upon seeing the safe] Oh shit.
- Marcus: What? What?
- Willie: It's a Kintnerboy Redoubt.
- Marcus: So?
- Willie: Remember Andy Pitz?
- Marcus: Andy Pitzerelli, yeah.
- Willie: No, Andy Repitski. Andy Pitzerelli was Andy Blue Balls.
- Marcus: Since he got married they called him Andy Pitzerelli. What's your fucking point?
- Willie: Well they say he can get into anything. Anything. They say he's been in Margaret Thatcher's pussy.
- Marcus: And that's a good thing? So what the fuck are you getting at?
- Willie: When I was in the joint with him, he told me the Kintnerboy Redoubt can't be cracked.
- Marcus: Are you shitting me? Are you telling me that after I propped you up, held you together, smiled for all those kids, danced for all those fuckin' housewives in a fucking lime green fucking velvet elf costume, that you cannot crack this fucking safe? Is that what you telling me?
- Willie: No, I'm just saying it's gonna take a minute.
- Willie: [from Willie's letter to the kid] Thank you for giving that letter to the cops. I forgot I asked you to do it, but it's a good thing you did or Santa's little helper would have plugged his ass. Now the cop's know I wrote it, whick is gonna keep my ass out of jail. That, plus everyone agreeing that the Phoenix police department shooting an unarmed Santa was even more fucked up than Rodney King.
- Marcus: [Willie, as Santa, is scratching his butt while a line of kids looks on] I don't think you should be digging in your ass.
- Watching Boy: [stares at Willie] I saw you at another mall.
- Willie: Well, I'm happy for you.
- Watching Boy: If you really are Santa, you could do magic.
- Willie: [whispers] Wanna see some magic? OK, let's watch you disappear!
- [shoves him away]
- Gin: We split the dough right down the middle. Any merchendise you take, I get to look at and cherry pick.
- Marcus: No. Money is one thing but you ain't getting the sh...
- Gin: This ain't no Chinese menu, jagoff! I tell YOU how it's gonna be. This is pricks fix!
- [Exits]
- Willie: Pricks fix?
- Marcus: Ah, he's a fucking moron.
- Willie: Oh really? Is that how you got the upper hand?
- Marcus: Fuck you.
- Willie: Negotiating?
- Marcus: You don't like it? Next year, fuck off. I can always get another box jockey.
- Willie: Yeah and I can get another midget too.
- Marcus: Yeah? Where? You see us hanging off of fucking trees like fucking crab apples?
- Willie: Is that your underwear?
- Kid: Part of it.
- Willie: Where the hell's the rest of it?
- [the kid opens his mouth to speak]
- Willie: Actually, don't tell me. I don't want to know. What do you want?
- Kid: I was thinking I wanted a purple stuffed elephant, not pink. But now I changed my mind.
- Willie: Yeah? What?
- Kid: Now I don't want an elephant at all. I want a gorilla named Davy for beating up the skateboard kids who pull on my underwear. And he can take his orders from the talking walnut, so it won't be my bad thing.
- [Santa looks at the kid in confusion]
- Willie: Jesus, kid. When I was your age, I didn't need no fucking gorilla. And I wasn't as big as one of your legs. Four kids beat me up one time and I went crying home to my daddy. You know what he did?
- Kid: He made it all better?
- Willie: No, he kicked my ass. You know why?
- Kid: Because you went to the bathroom on mommy's dishes?
- Willie: What the fuck? No!
- Kid: He tried to teach you not to cry and be a man?
- Willie: No. It's because he was a mean, drunk, son of a bitch. And when he wasn't busy busting my ass, he was putting cigarettes out on my neck. The world ain't fair. You've gotta take what you need when you can get it. You've gotta learn to stand up for yourself. You have to stop being a pussy and kick these kids in the balls or something.
- [the kid stares at Santa]
- Willie: Or don't. Shit. I don't care. Just leave me the hell out of it.
- Kid: Okay. Thanks Santa.
- Marcus: If I call you next December, IF I call you next December, you're gonna be so happy to hear from me, you're gonna do a goddamn back flip. You're gonna put that Santa hat on so fast that you're gonna get fucking hat-burn.
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