Adam Sandler: Barry Egan

Punch-Drunk Love

Barry Egan

Barry: I don't know if there is anything wrong because I don't know how other people are.

Barry: And bye-bye. And bye-bye, you fuckin'... And bye-bye! You stupid motherfucker...

Barry: [out of breath to his love Lena] Lena. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I left you at the hospital. I called a phone-sex line... I called a phone-sex line before I met you, and four blond brothers came after me and they hurt you, and I'm sorry. Then I had to leave again because I wanted to make sure you never got hurt again. And I have a lot of puddings, and in six to eight weeks it can be redeemed. So if you could just give me that much time, I think I can get enough mileage to go with you wherever you go if you have to travel for your work. Because I don't ever want to be anywhere without you. So could you just let me redeem the mileage?

Barry: I didn't do anything. I'm a nice man. I mind my own business. So you tell me 'that's that' before I beat the hell from you. I have so much strength in me you have no idea. I have a love in my life. It makes me stronger than anything you can imagine. I would say 'that's that', Mattress Man.
Dean Trumbell: You came all the way from LA to tell me this?
Barry: Yes, I did.
Dean Trumbell: Tell the cops?
Barry: No.
Dean Trumbell: All right. That's that.

Barry: I'm sorry. I forgot to shave.
Lena: Your face is so adorable. Your skin and your cheek. I want to bite it. I want to bite your cheek and chew on it, it's so fucking cute.
Barry: I'm lookin' at your face and I just wanna smash it. I just wanna fuckin' smash it with a sledgehammer and squeeze it. You're so pretty.
Lena: I want to chew your face, and I want to scoop out your eyes and I want to eat them and chew them and suck on them.
Barry: Okay. This is funny. This is nice.

Dean Trumbell: SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! Shut up; will you SHUTUP SHUTUP! SHUT SHUT SHUT SHUT SHUTUP... SHUTUP! NOW
[beat]
Dean Trumbell: Are you threatening me, dick?
Barry: Why don-...
[double beat]
Barry: Y' GO FUCK YOURSELF!
Dean Trumbell: oh y-...
[clears throat angrily]
Dean Trumbell: yo-... FUCK
[lowers tone]
Dean Trumbell: did you just saaay go fuck myself?
Barry: [nervously] ... yes, i did
Dean Trumbell: That wasn't good, you're DEAD!

Barry: I wanted to ask you something because you're a doctor... I don't like myself sometimes. Can you help me?
Walter: Barry, I'm a dentist. What kind of help do you think I could give you?

Restaurant Manager: Sir, the bathroom was just torn apart.
Barry: [nervously] Yeah.
Restaurant Manager: Did you do it?
Barry: No.
Restaurant Manager: You didn't just smash up the bathroom?
Barry: No.
Restaurant Manager: Well, who did?
Barry: [pretends to think] I don't know.
Restaurant Manager: Sir, your hand is bleeding.
Barry: I cut myself.
Restaurant Manager: How?
Barry: On my knife.
[beat]
Barry: What? What?
Restaurant Manager: Sir, your hand is bleeding.
Barry: I know.
Restaurant Manager: I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Barry: Yeah, but I didn't do anything.
Restaurant Manager: Sir, I've got no way to prove you've smashed up the bathroom.
Barry: I didn't do that. I didn't.
Restaurant Manager: Look, I'm gonna have to ask you to go.
Barry: Okay, I didn't...
Restaurant Manager: I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Barry: All right, please don't do this to me.
Restaurant Manager: Sir, I'm gonna call the police.
Barry: All right. Look, can I just stay?
Restaurant Manager: Sir, I'm gonna crack your fucking head open. Get out of here.

Lena: You got me out of my hotel room. You came and got me out of my room. It's so nice.
Barry: It really looks like Hawaii here.

Barry: I have to get more pudding for this trip to Hawaii. As I just said that out loud I realize it sounded a little strange but it's not.

Barry: Let's just keep it between you and I, if that's possible.
Lena: Sure, sure.
Barry: [looks around] Healthy Choice and American Airlines got together and put this promotion: If you buy any 10 Healthy Choice products, they will reward you with 500 frequent flier miles; with this special coupon, they'll up it to 1,000 miles. So, I think they are trying to push their teriyaki chicken which is $1.79, but I went to the supermarket and I looked around and I saw that they had - pudding for 25¢ a cup, comes in packages of four. But insanely - the barcodes are on the individual cups! So, a quarter a cup, say you bought $2.50 worth. That's worth 500 miles - with the coupon it's 1,000 miles. It's a marketing mistake but I'm taking advantage of it. If you were to spend $3,000, that would get you a million frequent flier miles. You would never have to pay for a ticket the rest of your life.
Lena: So, you - you bought all that pudding so that you could get frequent flier miles?

Elizabeth: Where you want her number for.
Barry: Don't do this to me.
Elizabeth: Where you want her number for.
Barry: All i want is her number, can you help me out.
Elizabeth: Tell me why.
Barry: There's no reason for you to treat me this way. You're killing me. You're killing me with the way you are towards me.
Elizabeth: My God.
Barry: All i want is the fucking number, that should be goddamn good enough for you. Now gimme the fucking number.
Elizabeth: Oke.
Barry: You fucking hear me.
Elizabeth: Yes.
Barry: I'm sick of this fucking shit.
Elizabeth: Barry...
Barry: Stop fucking treating me this way and gimme the fucking number. I'll fucking kill you, you want that.

[first lines]
Barry: Yes, I'm still on hold.
Operator Carter: And what was this?
Barry: I'm looking at your advertisement for the airline promotion and giveaway.
Operator Carter: Ah, the 10 for 1 mile plan...
Barry: Yeah, it's hard to understand, because it says "in addition to". But I can't exactly understand in addition to what? Because there's actually nothing to add to.
Operator Carter: I think that's a typo then.h
Barry: Okay, so just to clarify - I'm sorry - 10 purchases of any of your healthy choice products equals 500 miles, and with the coupon, the same purchase would value 1000 miles?
Operator Carter: That's it.
Barry: Well, do you realize that the monetary value of this promotion and the prizes is potentially worth more than the purchases?
Operator Carter: I don't know.

Barry: I didn't ask for a shrink - that must've been somebody else. Also, that pudding isn't mine. Also, I'm wearing this suit today because I had a very important meeting this morning and I don't have a crying problem.

Barry: [to himself] What am I looking for? What am I looking for? Tell me. Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me... Pudding.