- Captain O'Hagan: I swear to God I'll pistol whip the next guy who says "Shenanigans."
- Mac: Hey Farva what's the name of that restaurant you like with all the goofy shit on the walls and the mozzarella sticks?
- Farva: You mean Shenanigans?
- Mac: OOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
- Thorny: OOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
- [as they offer the Captain their pistols]
- [Foster and Mac have pulled a man over for speeding and are deciding what game to play]
- Mac: All right, how about "Cat Game?"
- Foster: Cat Game? What's the record?
- Mac: Thorny did six, but I think you can do ten.
- Foster: Ten? Starting right 'meow?'
- [Mac laughs - they walk up to the car, and Foster taps on the driver side]
- Larry Johnson: Sorry about the...
- Foster: All right meow. (1) Hand over your license and registration.
- [the man hands him his license]
- Foster: Your registration? Hurry up meow. (2)
- [Mac ticks off two fingers]
- Larry Johnson: Sorry.
- [the man laughs a little]
- Foster: Is there something funny here boy?
- Larry Johnson: Oh, no.
- Foster: Then why you laughing, Mister... Larry Johnson?
- [pause]
- Foster: All right meow, (3) where were we?
- Larry Johnson: Excuse me, are you saying meow?
- Foster: Am I saying meow?
- [Mac puts his hands up for the fourth one, but makes an "eehhh" facial expression, as he is considering the last one]
- Larry Johnson: I thought...
- Foster: Don't think boy. Meow, (4) do you know how fast you were going?
- [man laughs]
- Foster: Meow. (5) What is so damn funny?
- Larry Johnson: I could have sworn you said meow.
- Foster: Do I look like a cat to you, boy? Am I jumpin' around all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree?
- [Mac is gut-busting laughing]
- Foster: Am I drinking milk from a saucer?
- [feigned anger]
- Foster: Do you see me eating mice?
- Foster: [Mac and the man are laughing their heads off now] You stop laughing right meow! (6)
- Larry Johnson: [the man stops and swallows hard] Yes sir.
- Foster: Meow, (7) I'm gonna have to give you a ticket on this one. No buts meow. (8) It's the law.
- [rips off the ticket and hands it to the man]
- Foster: Not so funny meow, (9) is it?
- Foster: [Foster gets up to leave, but Mac shakes his hands at him, indicating only nine meows] Meow! (10)
- Farva: Give me a double bacon cheeseburger.
- Dimpus Burger Guy: [into mic] Double baco cheeseburger. It's for a cop.
- Farva: What the hell's that all about? You gonna spit in it now?
- Dimpus Burger Guy: No, I just told him that so he makes it good.
- [into mic]
- Dimpus Burger Guy: Don't spit in that cop's burger.
- Farva: Yeah, thanks.
- Second Dimpus Guy: Roger, holding the spit.
- Farva: Gimme a pie... apple.
- Dimpus Burger Guy: Want me to hold the spit? Hah, just kidding officer Farva.
- [pause]
- Dimpus Burger Guy: Want me to dimpa-size your meal for 25 cents?
- Farva: Want me to punch-a-size your face, for free?
- Dimpus Burger Guy: It's only 25 cents, and look how much more you get.
- Thorny: Look, kid, he doesn't want it.
- Farva: I can handle this, Thorn. I don't want it!
- Dimpus Burger Guy: Uhh, right. Beverage?
- Farva: Gimme a litre o' cola.
- Dimpus Burger Guy: What?
- Farva: [Annoyed] A litre o' cola.
- Dimpus Burger Guy: [into mic] Litrecola? Do we sell litrecola?
- Thorny: Will you just order a large, Farva?
- Farva: I don't want a large farva. I want a goddamn litre o' cola!
- Dimpus Burger Guy: [to Farva] I don't know what that is!
- Farva: [slowly starts shouting] Litre is French for...
- [grabs burger kid by shirt]
- Farva: ... give me my fuckin' cola before I break VOUS FUCKIN' LIP!
- Captain O'Hagan: [In an Irish accent] I'll believe ya when me shit turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbet.
- [a man appears to be having sex with a bear in the woods]
- Officer Smy: Bear... bearfucker, do you need assistance?
- Mac: Oh, c'mon, we're like the sons you never had.
- Captain O'Hagan: If you were my son, Mac, I would've smothered you by now.
- Mac: Smothered me in gravy you big dirty man.
- Police Chief Grady: I will have the enchilada platter with two tacos and no guacamoles. Smy?
- Officer Smy: Yeah, chief. I'll have a CHINCHILLA!
- Rabbit: I don't get it. Tacos?
- Thorny: They think I'm Mexican.
- Rabbit: You're not Mexican?
- Captain O'Hagan: I'm sorry, Bruce. These boys get that syrup in 'em, they get all antsy in their pantsy.
- Foster: Do I look like a cat to you boy? Am I jumpin' around all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree? Am I drinking milk from a saucer? DO YOU SEE ME EATING MICE?
- Captain O'Hagan: There was a time when we'd take a guy like you in the back and beat you with a hose. Now you've got your God-damned unions.
- Farva: Cap'n... you know I'm not a pro-union guy.
- Captain O'Hagan: Bulletproof cup, huh? I invented this gag, Rabbit. Only in my day, the rookie got naked.
- [fires through the window, accidentally shooting out the glass]
- Captain O'Hagan: And we also used blanks. You're a sick motherfucker, Mac.
- Mac: Thanks, Chief!
- Thorny: Are you okay?
- College Boy 2: Yeah, sure.
- Thorny: Yes sir?
- College Boy 2: Yes sir.
- Thorny: No, did you say "yes sir."?
- Rabbit: I think he said "yeah, sure."
- College Boy 1: What'd you say man?
- College Boy 2: When I said, "yeah, sure", but what... literally what I said was "yeah, sure, sir."
- Thorny: So you are okay then?
- College Boy 2: Yes sir.
- [sounds like "yeah sure"]
- [Ursula meets Foster at a restaurant. Ursula is dressed as a biker, Foster is dressed as a cyclist]
- Foster: Ah, biker. I'm such an idiot.
- Ursula: [talking into voice filter] Freeze motherfucker.
- Foster: Oh, god, please don't shoot me. I'm naked.
- Ursula: Drop your coat and grab your toes.
- Foster: What?
- Ursula: I'm gonna show you where the wild goos goes.
- Foster: Uh, this isn't happening. I'm a police officer. Ursula, help.
- Ursula: Baby, I'm gonna butter your bread.
- [Foster turns, sees Ursula is "holding him up"]
- Ursula: [still talking into the voice filter] You don't have these at your station?
- Foster: [grabs the voice filtrator, and speaks into it] I don't suppose you have a fresh pair of underwear I can borrow?
- Ursula: I'm not sure you could fit into my panties.
- Foster: [explaining his low number of citations issued] I can't make them speed.
- Captain O'Hagan: Try hiding.
- Farva: Just cleaning out the old locker, she stinks like ass but I'll sure miss her... I guess you could say that about all my girls.
- [Farva brings the boys a round of coffee, and has left a surprise in Rabbit's]
- Rabbit: [dryly] Oh, look, a bar of soap.
- Farva: Oh, shit, I got you good, you fucker!
- Mac: *Awesome* prank, Farva.
- Farva: Better than the crap you pull, Mac!
- Captain O'Hagan: Look, fellas...
- Mac: [to Rabbit] Bite it, rook! You'll make him look like a dick!
- Rabbit: Nah...
- Captain O'Hagan: Every Thursday night I walk into the lodge to play Hearts...
- [Mac persists in goading Rabbit as O'Hagan continues]
- Mac: Seriously, rook, bite it. Do it. Don't be a wuss!
- Captain O'Hagan: ...and they always have my Old-Fashioned just waiting there...
- Mac: Don't be a wuss, bite it!
- Captain O'Hagan: ...I like that. I like it here...
- Mac: Bite it. Bite it!
- Captain O'Hagan: [Fed up] Oh, hell! Give me the goddamn soap!
- [He grabs the soap, takes a bite, and spits it at Mac]
- Farva: It doesn't matter cause I'm going to win ten million dollars.
- Thorny: What are you going to do with ten million dollars, and you can't say buy the Cleveland Cavaliers.
- Farva: I'd buy a ten million dollar car.
- Thorny: That's a good investment but I'd still pull you over.
- Farva: Bull Shit. You couldn't pull me over, and even if you did I'd activate my car's wings and I'd fly away.
- [Farva pulls off ticket from cup and pop spills all over him from the hole behind the ticket]
- Farva: Dammit, you burger punk. You son of a bitch!
- [finishes reading the Governor's letter]
- Captain O'Hagan: "Due to our tight fiscal situation, we regret to inform you we are still going to have to close your station. Good luck in Sherbourne, John. And give your men my best. Sincerely, Governor Fuckhead."
- Officer Smy: Ursula, what the fuck? There's no TP in the bathroom!
- Ursula: What about the piece stuck to your shoe?
- Officer Smy: What ABOUT the piece stuck to my shoe?
- [Looks down]
- Officer Smy: SHIT!
- Ursula: [Stifles a laugh]
- Officer Smy: You know, you might get ahead around here if you made the extra effort.
- Ursula: Oh why... did you want me to wipe your ass?
- Officer Smy: [Flustered] That's not what I meant!
- [With a pompous gesture]
- Officer Smy: Well around MY house, my wife knows to refill the TP.
- Ursula: I'm not your wife, Smy.
- Officer Smy: No, and if you were, I'd take you down a peg or two.
- Ursula: Oooooooh.
- Thorny: Littering and smoking the reefer. Now to teach you boys a lesson, me and officer Rabbit are going to stand here while you three smoke the whole bag.
- College Boy 3: [Just ate a bag of weed and a bag of shrooms] Oh please no.
- Police Chief Grady: I'm sorry about that delousing. Just standard procedure.
- Farva: It's powdered sugar.
- Police Chief Grady: The lice hate the sugar.
- Farva: [deadpanning] It's delicious.
- Thorny: [after pulling car over] Do you know how fast you were going back there?
- College Boy 1: Umm... 65?
- Thorny: 63.
- College Boy 1: But... isn't the speed limit 65?
- Thorny: Yes, it is.
- College Boy 3: [stoned] I'm freakin' out, man!
- Captain O'Hagan: Did you guys put in for any transfers yet?
- Mac: I applied for a guard job - at the post office.
- [collective groan]
- Thorny: Hey, you'll finally be able to shoot someone.
- Police Chief Grady: John, I'm glad you called. Listen, I have Bobby the Baboon in lockup, and he says that for 20 bananas, he'll provide evidence that John Chimpo is the pimp in charge of the Cartoon Network whorehouse.
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