Ben Stiller credited as playing...
Derek Zoolander
- Derek Zoolander: Rufus, Brint, and Meekus were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean, like, an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it. Which is more meaningful I think.
- Derek Zoolander: If there is anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it's that a male model's life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features, it doesn't mean that we too can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.
- Derek Zoolander: What is this? A center for ants? How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read... if they can't even fit inside the building?
- Mugatu: Derek, this is just a small...
- Derek Zoolander: I don't wanna hear your excuses! The building has to be at least... three times bigger than this!
- Derek Zoolander: I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is.
- Derek Zoolander: I'm sorry that good-looking people like us made you throw up and feel bad about yourself.
- Derek Zoolander: There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought, "Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman".
- Derek Zoolander: But why male models?
- J.P. Prewitt: Are you serious? I just told you that a moment ago.
- Matilda: Derek that was unbelievable!
- Derek Zoolander: I know! I turned left!
- Matilda: Yeah, that too, but Derek, you saved the prime minister of Malaysia!
- Derek Zoolander: Oh, right, cool.
- Derek Zoolander: Why do you hate models, Matilda?
- Matilda: Honestly?
- Hansel: Yes.
- Matilda: I think they're vain, stupid, and incredibly self-centered.
- Hansel: I totally agree with you. But how do you feel about male models?
- Mugatu: SHUT UP! Enough already, Ballstein! Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look, for Christ's sake! Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra? They're the same face! Doesn't anybody notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie, I invented it! What have you done, Derek? You've done nothing! NOTHIIIING! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can't get the job done, then I will! Die, you wage-hiking scum!
- [the Prime Minister gasps in surprise then wields his weapon to kill him]
- Derek Zoolander: One look? ONE LOOK? I don't think so!
- [Mugatu flings "M" shaped shuriken at the Prime Minister, the crowd was in shock while the shuriken was still flying and Derek rushes to save and turns left to feel like Magnum]
- Hansel: There it is.
- Todd: Magnum.
- Larry Zoolander: Holy Moly.
- Maury Ballstein: Yeah, baby! That's what I've been waiting for!
- Mugatu: Dear god, it's beautiful.
- [as Derek freezes the "M" shaped shuriken and drops it into the ground, then the crowd cheered and Maury smiles happily.]
- Larry Zoolander: Yeah, Yeah!
- [the cameras flicker and Mugatu gets arrested by guards and falls into the ground]
- Larry Zoolander: That's my kid. That's my son.
- J.P. Prewitt: Male models don't think for themselves.
- Derek Zoolander: That's not true!
- J.P. Prewitt: Yes it is, Derek.
- Derek Zoolander: [meekly] Okay.
- Hansel: I guess you can dere-lick my balls cap-E-tan.
- Derek Zoolander: I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much.
- Matilda: I've been trying to reach you for a week.
- Derek Zoolander: A week? What, are you having a whack attack? I saw you this afternoon, dum-dum.
- Matilda: That was last Friday.
- Derek Zoolander: Uhh Earth to Matilda, I was at a day spa. Day, D-A-I-Y-E. Okay?
- Hansel: So I'm rappelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip, and I start to fall. Just falling, ahh ahh, I'll never forget the terror. When suddenly I realize "Holy shit, Hansel, haven't you been smoking Peyote for six straight days, and couldn't some of this maybe be in your head?"
- Derek Zoolander: And?
- Hansel: And it was. I was totally fine. I've never even been to Mount Vesuvius.
- J.P. Prewitt: The truth is male models have been assassinating world leaders for over 200 years. Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish slavery, right? Well, who do you think made the silk stockings and powdered wigs worn by our early leaders?
- Derek Zoolander: Mugatu!
- J.P. Prewitt: [pauses] Slaves, Derek. So they hired John Wilkes Booth to do Mr. Lincoln in. The first model/actor! Dallas. 1963. John F. Kennedy.
- Matilda: Lee Harvey Oswald wasn't a male model.
- J.P. Prewitt: You're goddamn right he wasn't, but the two lookers who capped Kennedy from the Grassy Knoll sure as shit were!
- Larry Zoolander: I just thank the Lord she didn't live to see her son as a mermaid.
- Derek Zoolander: Mer-man!
- [high-pitched cough]
- Derek Zoolander: Mer-man!
- Derek Zoolander: Wait a minute. I might just have an idea. They'll be looking for us at Maury's right? But they won't be looking for... not us.