Chi McBride credited as playing...
Donny Astricky
- Freb: Hey, man, that was as easy as pie!
- Donny: I'm a veteran, son.
- [a carjacker jams a gun through the window]
- Punk: [shouting] Get outta the car, bitch, or I'm gonna blow your brains out!
- Donny: You gotta be shittin' me...
- Punk: Do I have shoot you, damn it?
- [Donny takes his gun and knocks him out]
- Freb: Damn!
- Donny: [gets out of the car and kicks the punk] You lazy, half-ass bully! Any asshole can pull a gun on somebody! You don't know the first thing about stealing a car! Boy! You need a role model!
- Memphis: [From The Director's Cut] The list.
- Donny: Ahhh, the list. Well, I guess we gotta start beatin' the bushes trying to find out where they... whoa. 1967 Shelby GT 500?
- Memphis: I know. I know.
- Donny: You got Eleanor here?
- Memphis: It's weird, huh?
- Donny: It's... voodoo.
- Memphis: Oh, nonono, no, don't, don't say that.
- Donny: [sings] I put a spell on you.
- [giving driving lessons]
- Donny: Don't look at me, look at the people next to you! Nex... Look at the... - well, turn the wheel! Pull over, pull her the hell over!
- Driver 1: Asshole!
- Driver 2: Learn how to drive!
- Donny: [shuts car off] Don't touch nothing! You can't negotiate turns. You can't signal properly. You can't maintain speed. You can't parallel park. Hell, you can't drive, honey. Shit, I can't swim, I know I can't. So you know what I do? I stay my black ass out the pool!
- Donny: Hello, and welcome to "TV Car Trivia!" First question, who was the driver of a '73 Firebird? Uh, Otto?
- Otto Halliwell: Uh, Jim Rockford, "Rockford Files".
- Sara "Sway" Wayland: Gimme "Columbo".
- Kip: A Peugeot convertible.
- Donny: What color?
- Kip: Gray.
- Mirror Man: How do you know that?
- Kip: 'Cause I love that show.
- Mirror Man: Man, I got three words for all of y'all: Get a life!
- Freb: What's on Magnum P.I.'s license plate?
- Tumbler: "ROBIN-1"
- Kip: Wait, wasn't Robin that faggoty guy that always hung with him?
- Memphis: Naw, that was Higgins. That was Higgins.
- Otto Halliwell: Hey, hey, ten points for our fearless leader. Sway, how about giving us the Bill Bixby trifecta?
- Sara "Sway" Wayland: Drove a Corvette in "The Magician", a Ford pickup truck in "The Incredible Hulk", and in "The Courtship of Eddie's Father", he walked.
- [Freb brings a Cadillac into Otto's place]
- Freb: I can deliver more than pizzas, huh? Boosted her myself.
- Donny: How did you get this car?
- Freb: Actually, the keys were in it.
- Donny: Well, that kinda defies the point.
- Memphis: You stole a car that wasn't on the list. Why don't you just go to the police station in a red clown suit and let everybody know what we're doing here?
- Toby: [to Otto] I think that your dog ate the keys.
- Otto Halliwell: Wait, he usually goes for the license plate... are you sure?
- [Toby shows him the ripped up envelope]
- Tumbler: Wait a minute... Wait a minute... the dog ate the keys.
- Toby: YES.
- Tumbler: [laughs] How... How are you gonna get them out?
- Donny: [to Tumbler] Not funny.
- Tumbler: [to Sphinx] Oh... excuse me.
- [Sphinx flicks open his knife]
- Toby, Otto Halliwell: [stops Sphinx] Whoa... don't even think about it, Sphinx.
- Memphis: [to Sphinx] It's all right.
- Donny: Hey, did you see a box of rubber gloves around here?
- Mirror Man: Gloves? Man, you don't need gloves! This is the new age! Check it out.
- Donny: What is this?
- Mirror Man: Just let me see that big claw you call a hand.
- [He spreads adhesive onto Donny's fingertip]
- Mirror Man: That ain't donut jelly, so don't eat it.
- [He applies the false fingerprint]
- Mirror Man: Your new fingerprints. Elvis is back.
- Donny: Damn...
- Mirror Man: Boy got skills, right?
- Donny: Yeah, you do.
- [They bump fists]
- Donny: You're like a little ghetto Smurf.
- Mirror Man: [Mirror Man just applied fake fingerprints to Donny's hand] Ya' boy got skills, right?
- Donny: Yeah you do. You look like a little ghetto smurf.