- Max Fischer: I like your nurse's uniform, guy.
- Dr. Peter Flynn: These are O.R. scrubs.
- Max Fischer: O, R they?
- Herman Blume: You guys have it real easy. I never had it like this where I grew up. But I send my kids here because the fact is you go to one of the best schools in the country: Rushmore. Now, for some of you it doesn't matter. You were born rich and you're going to stay rich. But here's my advice to the rest of you: Take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs and take them down. Just remember, they can buy anything but they can't buy backbone. Don't let them forget it. Thank you.
- Herman Blume: What's the secret, Max?
- Max Fischer: The secret?
- Herman Blume: Yeah, you seem to have it pretty figured out.
- Max Fischer: The secret, I don't know... I guess you've just gotta find something you love to do and then... do it for the rest of your life. For me, it's going to Rushmore.
- Max Fischer: My top schools where I want to apply to are Oxford and the Sorbonne. My safety's Harvard.
- Max Fischer: Maybe I'm spending too much of my time starting up clubs and putting on plays. I should probably be trying harder to score chicks. That's the only thing anybody really cares about. But, its not my forte, unfortunately.
- Rosemary Cross: Has it ever crossed your mind that you're far too young for me?
- Max Fischer: It crossed my mind that you might consider that a possibility, yeah.
- [Max has just petitioned to make Latin a required subject]
- Magnus Buchan: [heavy Scottish brogue] Why dincha just piss off, Fischer? Ya dotty wee skid mark!
- Max Fischer: Is that Latin?
- Herman Blume: What's his name again?
- Dr. Nelson Guggenheim: Max Fischer.
- Herman Blume: Sharp little guy.
- Dr. Nelson Guggenheim: He's one of the worst students we've got.
- Rosemary Cross: How did I hurt your feelings?
- Max Fischer: Oh, my God! I wrote a hit play!
- [pauses]
- Max Fischer: And I'm in love with you.
- Max Fischer: The truth is, neither one of us has the slightest idea where this relationship is going. We can't predict the future.
- Rosemary Cross: We don't have a relationship.
- Max Fischer: But we're friends.
- Rosemary Cross: Yes, and that's all we're *going* to be. Well, yes...
- Max Fischer: That's all I meant by "relationship." You want me to grab a dictionary?
- Dr. Peter Flynn: I understand you're a neurosurgeon.
- Bert Fischer: No, I'm a barber, but a lot of people make that mistake.
- [Introducing his play "Heaven and Hell"]
- Max Fischer: Also, you'll find a pair of safety glasses and some earplugs under your seats. Please feel free to use them.
- Dr. Peter Flynn: I didn't know we were going to dinner.
- Max Fischer: Well, that's because you weren't invited.
- Rosemary Cross: Well, you pulled it off.
- Max Fischer: Yeah, it went okay. At least nobody got hurt.
- Rosemary Cross: Except you.
- Rosemary Cross: Do you think we're going to have sex?
- Max Fischer: That's a kinda cheap way to put it.
- Rosemary Cross: Not if you've ever fucked before, it isn't.
- Max Fischer: So you were in Vietnam?
- Herman Blume: Yeah.
- Max Fischer: Were you in the shit?
- Herman Blume: Yeah, I was in the shit.
- Dr. Nelson Guggenheim: We're putting you on what we call sudden death academic probation.
- Max Fischer: And what does that entail?
- Dr. Nelson Guggenheim: It entails that if you fail another class, you'll be asked to leave Rushmore.
- Max Fischer: In other words, I'll be expelled.
- Dr. Nelson Guggenheim: That's correct.
- Max Fischer: Can I see some documentation on that, please?
- [Guggenheim hands him his transcript]
- Dr. Nelson Guggenheim: Too many extracurricular activities, Max. Not enough studying
- Max Fischer: Dr. Guggenheim, I don't want to tell you how to do your job. But the fact is, no matter how hard I try, I still might flunk another class. If that means I have to stay on for a post-graduate year, so be it...
- Dr. Nelson Guggenheim: - We don't offer a post-graduate year.
- Max Fischer: Well, we don't offer it yet.
- Herman Blume: Why did you ask me to come here?
- Max Fischer: Oh, I was going to drop that tree on you.
- Herman Blume: That big one?
- Max Fischer: Yeah.
- Herman Blume: It would've flattened me like a pancake.
- [first lines]
- Student: If, and only if, both sides of the numerator is divisible by the inverse of he square root of the two unassigned variable.
- School Professor: Good. Except when the value of the "X" coordinate is equal to or less than the value of one. Yes Isaac?
- Student: What about *that* problem?
- School Professor: Oh, that? Don't worry about that.
- Student: Wait. Why?
- School Professor: I just put that up as a joke. That's probably the hardest geometry equation in the world.
- Student: Well, how much extra credit is it worth?
- School Professor: Well, considering I've never seen anyone get it right, including my mentor Dr. Leaky at MIT, I guess if anyone here can solve that problem, I'd see to it that none of you ever have to open another math book again for the rest of your lives.
- Mr. Littlejeans: Best play ever, man.
- [in a letter to Max]
- Dirk Calloway: Dear Max, I am sorry to say that I have secretly found out that Mr. Blume is having an affair with Miss Cross. My first suspicions came when I saw them Frenching in front of our house. And then I knew for sure when they went skinny dipping in Mr. Blume's swimming pool, giving each other handjobs while you were taking a nap on the front porch.
- Herman Blume: Take it easy, Max.
- Rosemary Cross: You were the one that ordered him a whiskey and soda.
- Max Fischer: So what's wrong with that? I can write a hit play. Why can't I have a little drink to unwind myself?
- Max Fischer: Thay are going to cancel Latin. They've got to make room for Japanese.
- Rosemary Cross: Well that's a shame because all the Romance languages are based on Latin.
- Max Fischer: Yeah, they are, aren't they.
- Rosemary Cross: Nihilo sanctum estne?
- Max Fischer: What's that? Oh, it's Latin. What does that mean?
- Rosemary Cross: Is nothing sacred?
- Herman Blume: What does Guggenheim say?
- Max Fischer: Nothing. I felt I should go to you first.
- Herman Blume: Why?
- Max Fischer: Because at this moment I feel our best strategy is to keep a low profile. The more preparation I can do, the stronger our case will be when we go to the administration.
- Herman Blume: How much do you want?
- Max Fischer: $35.000 for the initial plans.
- Herman Blume: I'll give you $2500.
- Ernie: What kind of fish?
- Max Fischer: Barracuda, stingrays, electric eels, trout, hammerheads, piranha, giant squid, octopi...
- Herman Blume: Piranhas? Really?
- Max Fischer: Yes, I'm talking to a guy in South America.
- Max Fischer: What was your major?
- Rosemary Cross: I didn't have a major, but my thesis was on Latin American economic policy.
- Max Fischer: Oh, that's interesting. Did you hear that they're not going to teach Latin anymore?
- Rosemary Cross: This was more like Central America.
- Max Fischer: Oh, Central American what-not.
- Rosemary Cross: I will say that, Edward has more spark and character and imagination in one fingernail than Herman Blume has in his entire body.
- Max Fischer: One dead fingernail.
- Rosemary Cross: Right. One dead fingernail.
- Rosemary Cross: So, what do you think of Max's latest opus?
- Herman Blume: It's good. But, let's hope its got a happy ending.
- Max Fischer: So tell me Curly, how do you know Miss Cross?
- Dr. Peter Flynn: We went to Harvard together.
- Max Fischer: Oh that's great. I wrote a hit play and directed it, so I'm not sweating it either.
- Margaret Yang: You're a real jerk to me, you know that?
- Max Fischer: I'm sorry, Margaret.
- Margaret Yang: Well anyway, nice to see you.
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