Jason Schwartzman credited as playing...
Max Fischer
- Max Fischer: I like your nurse's uniform, guy.
- Dr. Peter Flynn: These are O.R. scrubs.
- Max Fischer: O, R they?
- Herman Blume: What's the secret, Max?
- Max Fischer: The secret?
- Herman Blume: Yeah, you seem to have it pretty figured out.
- Max Fischer: The secret, I don't know... I guess you've just gotta find something you love to do and then... do it for the rest of your life. For me, it's going to Rushmore.
- Max Fischer: My top schools where I want to apply to are Oxford and the Sorbonne. My safety's Harvard.
- Max Fischer: Maybe I'm spending too much of my time starting up clubs and putting on plays. I should probably be trying harder to score chicks. That's the only thing anybody really cares about. But, its not my forte, unfortunately.
- Rosemary Cross: Has it ever crossed your mind that you're far too young for me?
- Max Fischer: It crossed my mind that you might consider that a possibility, yeah.
- [Max has just petitioned to make Latin a required subject]
- Magnus Buchan: [heavy Scottish brogue] Why dincha just piss off, Fischer? Ya dotty wee skid mark!
- Max Fischer: Is that Latin?
- Rosemary Cross: How did I hurt your feelings?
- Max Fischer: Oh, my God! I wrote a hit play!
- [pauses]
- Max Fischer: And I'm in love with you.
- Max Fischer: The truth is, neither one of us has the slightest idea where this relationship is going. We can't predict the future.
- Rosemary Cross: We don't have a relationship.
- Max Fischer: But we're friends.
- Rosemary Cross: Yes, and that's all we're *going* to be. Well, yes...
- Max Fischer: That's all I meant by "relationship." You want me to grab a dictionary?
- [Introducing his play "Heaven and Hell"]
- Max Fischer: Also, you'll find a pair of safety glasses and some earplugs under your seats. Please feel free to use them.
- Dr. Peter Flynn: I didn't know we were going to dinner.
- Max Fischer: Well, that's because you weren't invited.
- Rosemary Cross: Well, you pulled it off.
- Max Fischer: Yeah, it went okay. At least nobody got hurt.
- Rosemary Cross: Except you.
- Rosemary Cross: Do you think we're going to have sex?
- Max Fischer: That's a kinda cheap way to put it.
- Rosemary Cross: Not if you've ever fucked before, it isn't.
- Max Fischer: So you were in Vietnam?
- Herman Blume: Yeah.
- Max Fischer: Were you in the shit?
- Herman Blume: Yeah, I was in the shit.
- Dr. Nelson Guggenheim: We're putting you on what we call sudden death academic probation.
- Max Fischer: And what does that entail?
- Dr. Nelson Guggenheim: It entails that if you fail another class, you'll be asked to leave Rushmore.
- Max Fischer: In other words, I'll be expelled.
- Dr. Nelson Guggenheim: That's correct.
- Max Fischer: Can I see some documentation on that, please?
- [Guggenheim hands him his transcript]
- Dr. Nelson Guggenheim: Too many extracurricular activities, Max. Not enough studying
- Max Fischer: Dr. Guggenheim, I don't want to tell you how to do your job. But the fact is, no matter how hard I try, I still might flunk another class. If that means I have to stay on for a post-graduate year, so be it...
- Dr. Nelson Guggenheim: - We don't offer a post-graduate year.
- Max Fischer: Well, we don't offer it yet.