Gwyneth Paltrow credited as playing...
Helen
- [Helen tells James her boyfriend is cheating]
- James: Well, if it makes you feel any better... do you see that bloke over there?
- [Points to his friend at the end of the bar]
- James: Not only does he own a personalized matching set of crocodile-skin luggage, but his favorite TV program is "Baywatch". So you see there's always someone sadder than you.
- [Helen starts to cry]
- James: Do you love him?
- Helen: No, I could never love a "Baywatch" fan.
- Helen: For God's sake, Gerry. I asked you a simple question; there is no need for you to become Woody Allen.
- [Helen has broken up with her boyfriend]
- Helen: Bollocks to him. I'm over him.
- Anna: [skeptically] Oh. You're over him.
- Helen: Yes. Totally and utterly and completely over him.
- Anna: No you're not.
- Helen: I am.
- Anna: You're not.
- Helen: Anna, I'm over him! What do you mean I'm not? How do you know I'm not?
- Anna: Well, two things really. One, you're still counting how long you've been apart in days - and probably hours and minutes - but the big-flashing-red-light way of telling you're not really over someone is when you're still reading their horoscope in the hope that they're going to get wiped out in some freak napalming incident.
- Helen: Smartass!
- [tosses the paper at Anna]
- Anna: [opens the paper] What is he?
- Helen: A wanker.
- [pause]
- Helen: Oh. Aries.
- Anna: Aries... Aries... well, just shows how much I know.
- [reads]
- Anna: "With Mars your ruler in the ascendancy, you will get wiped out in a freak napalming incident and Helen says bollocks to you." This guy's very good.
- Helen: Look, James. Maybe I shouldn't be here. I'm sorry, I'm not being fair. You know, under normal circumstances, etcetera... You're really nice--and funny. My friend Anna thinks you're cute...
- James: Wait. Wait! Your friend Anna thinks I'm cute? Your friend ANNA thinks I'm cute? Shit, I just blew--wait
- [looks at menu]
- James: --two eighty-five on the wrong girl!
- Cheeky Bloke: Hey, gorgeous. What do you do when you're not serving up mad cow burgers in here, eh?
- Helen: Well, now, then, let me see. I get up at about 7:30AM making and delivering sandwiches in the West End during the day before I come here about 6 o'clock and finish at midnight. After that, if I've got any energy left, I give my boyfriend a blow job.
- [pause]
- Helen: Would you like some mayonnaise with that?
- Helen: So who are you on the rebound from?
- James: A girl called Pamela. My whole life pivots around Pam and I breaking up.
- Helen: When was that?
- James: 1973, we were eight. I bloody loved that woman! No warning just up, gone, left me for someone else.
- Helen: Who?
- James: Gary Glitter! Gary Glitter for cryin' out loud! I mean all my friends were being left for Donny Osmond or David Cassidy, I could have come to terms with that given time, but Gary oooooh she wanted to touch him there yeeaah...
- James: No, I mean, don't think that I have not called you. I haven't not called you. I mean, I don't... I don't mean I haven't not called you, because that's a double negative, so as to say that I have called you.
- Helen: When did you call?
- James: Well, I didn't. But I... I didn't not call you in the way that you might think I didn't call you. Oh, dear.
- [to her boss just after he has sacked her]
- Helen: OK, I'll go. I was getting a bit choked up with all the testosterone flying about the place. Best I get out before I start growing a penis.