Liar Liar (1997)
Jason Bernard: Judge Marshall Stevens
Photos
Quotes
-
[while hearing Mrs. Cole having sex on an audio cassette]
Fletcher Reede : Oh, come on! Your honor, how can it be proved that the male voice on that tape is not Mr. Cole himself?
Samantha Cole : [voice on tape] You are such a better lover than my husband!
Fletcher Reede : Your honor, I object!
Judge Marshall Stevens : And why is that, Mr. Reede?
Fletcher Reede : Because it's devastating to my case!
Judge Marshall Stevens : Overruled.
Fletcher Reede : Good call!
-
Fletcher Reede : Mrs. Cole, is this a copy of your driver's license?
[shows paper]
Samantha Cole : That's right.
Fletcher Reede : It says here you are a blonde, are you? If you don't remember, perhaps Mr. Falk will.
Samantha Cole : Brunette.
Fletcher Reede : Maybe if we play the tape again, maybe it's on there...
Samantha Cole : I'm a brunette!
Fletcher Reede : Thank you. Now let's see... weight, 105? Yeah, in your bra.
Dana Appleton : Your honor, I object.
Fletcher Reede : You would!
Dana Appleton : Bastard!
Fletcher Reede : Hag!
Judge Marshall Stevens : QUIET! Overruled! Weight?
Samantha Cole : 118.
[Fletcher gives her a look]
Samantha Cole : Alright, fine, fine, I'm 127.
Fletcher Reede : Uh, huh, and it says here you were born in 1964, but that's not true either is it? Is it!
Samantha Cole : No.
Fletcher Reede : Please tell the court what's on your birth certificate under Date of Birth.
Dana Appleton : Your honor, I object. What does this have to do with anything?
Judge Marshall Stevens : Overruled. Mrs. Cole, answer the question.
Samantha Cole : 1965.
Fletcher Reede : Now let me get this straight. That means you lied about your age to make yourself older. But why would any woman want to do THAT?
Samantha Cole : I changed it so I could get married.
Fletcher Reede : AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE! My client lied about her age! She was only 17 when she got married, which makes her a minor. And in the great state of California, no minor can enter into any legal contract without parental consent.
[to Dana]
Fletcher Reede : Including...?
Dana Appleton : [sighs] Prenuptial agreements.
Fletcher Reede : Prenuptial agreements! This contract is void! The fact that my client has been ridden more than Seattle Slew is irrelevant. Standard Community Property applies and she is entitled to half of the marital assets, or $11.395 million. Jordan fades back, swoosh, and THAT'S THE GAME! Nothing further, your honor!
-
Judge Marshall Stevens : How are we this morning, Counselor?
Dana Appleton : Fine, thank you.
Judge Marshall Stevens : And how about you, Mr. Reede?
Fletcher Reede : I'm a little upset about a bad sexual episode I had last night.
[Shocked pause]
Judge Marshall Stevens : Well, you're young. It'll happen more and more. In the meantime, what do you say we get down to business?
-
Fletcher Reede : Your honor, would the court be willing to grant me a short bathroom break?
Judge Marshall Stevens : Can't it wait?
Fletcher Reede : Yes it can. But I've heard that if you hold it you could damage the prostate gland, making it very difficult to get an erection, or even become aroused!
Judge Marshall Stevens : Is that true?
Fletcher Reede : It has to be!
Judge Marshall Stevens : In that case I'd better take a quick break myself.
-
Bailiff : I found him like this in the bathroom, your honor. Somebody beat the hell out of him!
Judge Marshall Stevens : Who did this?
Fletcher Reede : A mad man, your honor, a desperate fool at the end of his pitiful rope.
Judge Marshall Stevens : What did he look like?
Fletcher Reede : About 6'2", 180 pounds, big teeth, kinda gangly.
-
Judge Marshall Stevens : It is only out of sheer morbid curiosity that I am allowing this freak show to continue.
-
Judge Marshall Stevens : Mr. Reede, one more word out of you, and I will hold you in contempt!
Fletcher Reede : I hold *myself* in contempt! Why should you be any different?
-
Fletcher Reede : You had sex with her every time you met, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU? LIAR!
Dana Appleton : He's badgering the witness!
Judge Marshall Stevens : It's his witness.
Fletcher Reede : You slammed her! You dunked her donut! You gave her dog a Snausage! YOU STUFFED HER LIKE A THANKSGIVING TURKEY!
[Makes gobbling noises while pushing himself against the table]
Kenneth Falk : Alright! Alright, it's true, okay? I humped her brains out! There, now ya happy?
[awkward silence]
Fletcher Reede : No further questions.
-
Judge Marshall Stevens : Mr. Reede, I'm tired and very cranky!
-
[the court erupts]
Judge Marshall Stevens : Order! Order! ORDER!
Fletcher Reede : [to crowd] Knock it off!
Judge Marshall Stevens : SIT DOWN!
-
Fletcher Reede : Mr. Falk, would I be accurate, if I described your relationship with Mrs. Cole as totally professional? I OBJECT, Your Honor, and I move to strike!
Judge Marshall Stevens : Mr. Reede, I don't know what you're on, but you better get to the point, and quick!
-
Mr. Allen : [Fletcher is shaken by the court ruling and seeing Samantha Cole pull her children away from their father, and Mr. Allen congratulating him on his performance doesn't help] I love children! They give you so much leverage in a case like this. You did an incredible job, partner.
[Mr. Allen holds out his hand and Fletcher reluctantly shakes it. Mr. Allen misinterprets Fletcher's speechlessness for pleasant surprise and chuckles at Miranda]
Mr. Allen : Look at him. He's stunned; he can't believe it!
[Appalled at both himself and Mr. Allen, Fletcher breaks off the handshake and looks at his bosses in disgust]
Fletcher Reede : Your Honor, may I please approach the bench?
Judge Marshall Stevens : We're adjourned, Mr. Reede.
Fletcher Reede : Your Honor, I think we've made a big mistake.
Judge Marshall Stevens : Mr. Reede, I am tired and very cranky.
Fletcher Reede : I know, but this is just... WRONG, isn't it? I manipulated the system! Just because you bought it doesn't mean I'm right. It's a technicality!
Judge Marshall Stevens : Young man, having my judgement mocked in my own court is NOT something I'm prepared to tolerate!
Fletcher Reede : Well, maybe you can tell that to the kids when they're adopted by the Manson family!
Judge Marshall Stevens : [angered] One more word outta you, Mr. Reede, and I'll hold you in contempt!
Fletcher Reede : I HOLD MYSELF IN CONTEMPT! Why should YOU be any different?
Judge Marshall Stevens : Bailiff, take him away!
Fletcher Reede : [points to Mr. Cole] This man is a good father!
[glares at Miranda and Mr. Allen]
Fletcher Reede : And children are not leverage!
[as the bailiff manhandles him out of court]
Fletcher Reede : Oh, no, don't do this! l have a date to play ball with my son! I can't be late! It's my last chance! I'm Jose Canseco! I'm Jose Canseco!
-
Judge Marshall Stevens : I understand both parties have agreed to joint custody, is that correct?
Dana Appleton : Yes.
Fletcher Reede : Yes.
Samantha Cole : No! I'm contesting custody.
Fletcher Reede : What?
Samantha Cole : If I get sole custody of the kids, that's another 10 grand in child support payments.
Fletcher Reede : [dismayed] You just won $11 million!
Samantha Cole : Hey! I'M the victim here! You said it yourself. Now I'm gonna hit it where it hurts.
Fletcher Reede : [whispers] But... you said he was a good father.
Samantha Cole : [coldly] So?
[Fletcher stares at her in shock]
Judge Marshall Stevens : Well Mr. Reede, do we have an agreement on custody or not?
Fletcher Reede : [quietly and sadly] No.
Judge Marshall Stevens : [also sadly] I see. In that case, there will be a custody hearing on the 19th at 9 AM. Court is adjourned.
-
Judge Marshall Stevens : Afternoon, Counselors. Are we ready to begin?
Fletcher Reede : No, sir! We are NOT ready to begin, because my client has not arrived!
[Samantha and children enter]
Samantha Cole : [to children] Hurry up! Move it!
Fletcher Reede : [singing to the tune of Mighty Mouse] Here she comes to wreck the daaaay!
Judge Marshall Stevens : MISTER Reede!
Fletcher Reede : Sorry, Your Honor!