Santa Claws

During the Christmas holidays, a B-movie scream queen/pinup model is stalked by an obsessed, murderously psychotic fan...

Blah blah blah. You know the score, sight unseen: women get naked, people die. Apparently the raison d'être for SANTA CLAWS was to plug the fan magazine writer/director John Russo was publishing at the time, "Scream Queen" — it gets a very prominent mention. In the film, the magazine staff is producing a low budget horror video called "Scream Queen Christmas" — try saying that three times fast! — starring B-movie celebrity Raven Quinn (Debbie Rochon). Her most ardent admirer, the disturbed young man (Grant Cramer) who lives next door, spraypaints a cheap Santa costume black and goes on a killing spree with a garden weasel. (Really. A frickin' garden weasel.) SANTA CLAWS touts its lineage to the original 1968 NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD as a selling point but you wouldn't know it from watching this cheap-looking, amateurish piece of crap. (Russo co-wrote NOTLD with George Romero and directed the minor cult fave MIDNIGHT; three members of the NOTLD cast have small roles in the flick.)

Rochon, whose films have never really proved worthy of her talent, is the only real reason to endure it. Not only is she beautiful, she acts circles around everyone else in the cast, who are just plain terrible. (Cramer's over-the-top rantings are good for a laugh or two, though.) Gore is practically nonexistent; only the frequent nudity, served up as Christmas-themed striptease acts for the video shoot, will appeal to exploitation junkies. Rochon doesn't whip out her love muffins until the final twenty minutes but she's almost worth the wait. For best effect, I recommend turning off the cheesy soundtrack and playing the naughty Yule classic "Santa Baby" while Debbie's doing her thing.

John Russo nearly hits rock bottom with this disastrous cheapie misleadingly promoted as another killer-dressed-as-Santa-Claus-movie.

Raven Quinn (Debbie Rochon) not only has to deal with a cheating husband (John Mowod) but also with trouble from women's groups and her in-laws when she accepts the lead role in the racy movie "A Scream Queen Christmas." If things couldn't get any worse, Raven also becomes the target of an obsessed psycho, her next-door neighbor Wayne (Grant Kramer), who has a shrine to her in his home, drugs her kids, messes around with a mannequin and kills cast and crew participating in the movie with a three-pronged garden claw.

There's virtually no gore or violence, but there are long scenes of young women with large silicone knockers stripping out of glittery costumes to pad out the running time. Debbie Rochon is easily the best this film has to offer in terms of good-looking babes and the only one of the bunch I found to be really attractive. (She's also pretty fun to watch with her clothes on, as well). It's also fun spotting Marilyn Eastman, Karl Hardman, Bill Hinzman and John Russo (all of whom appeared in the original NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD) in small roles here. Otherwise this is a complete waste of time.

Russo also made the T & A tie-in tape SCREAM QUEEN NAKED CHRISTMAS featuring Kramer, Rochon, Christine Cavalier (from W.A.V.E. Productions) and others from this movie reprising their roles (and removing their clothes).

Score: 3 out of 10 (thanks mainly to Debbie)

I have to admit that this flick is pretty terrible and the only reason to watch it would be if you are a fan of Debbie Rochon. The reasons that this movie is so terrible is you have a very unintimidating and laughable killer. Here's a line from him. "I'm not Wayne, I'm Santa Claus!", then you have very unattractive women save Debbie Rochon dancing horribly to bland stripper music, very little gore, and bad sound dubbing. But there are a few good sides to this flick. It's cheesy, Debbie Rochon, more Debbie Rochon, more, and more Debbie Rochon, and John Russo in a badly acted cameo. What more could you want. For a badly acted, cheese fest, I give it a 5. For just an all around terrible horror flick, I give it a 3! But get it anyways to see Debbie Rochon in an early role!

What Blood Shack was to Ray Dennis Steckler, Santa Claws is to a collective best refered to as "the makers of Night of the Living Dead, whose names weren't George A Romero". Its insultingly bad as an actual movie, but exerts a morbid curiosity as a kind of pseudo-documentary on the lives of those involved. If you want to see Night of the Living Dead actors decades after their brush with fame, Santa Claws trots out Marilyn Eastman, Karl Hardman, Bill Hinzman and John Russo, in scenes that look like they were shot in their own Pittsburgh homes and places of work. The younger cast is represented by lots of wannabe scream queens, and John Mowod, the male lead from Hinzman's Flesh Eater/Zombie Nosh. Mowod is chiefly memorable for his resemblance to both Paul McCartney and Sylvester Stallone, and should have probably sought out a career as a celebrity impersonator rather than an actor. Its all basically an excuse to publicize 'Scream Queens Illustrated' Russo's horror themed T&A mag that promoted the boobs, bums and careers of various Scream Queen actresses of the time. Santa Claws is mainly set at the Scream Queens Illustrated offices, where you get to see Hinzman and Hardman at their day jobs, shooting jerk off material for the magazine. Natch' the setting also allows for lingering shots of various Scream Queens Illustrated and Night of the Living Dead merchandise.

Occasionally Santa Claws remembers it is meant to be a horror film, and begrudgingly tears itself away from the T&A and self-promotion, in favour of focusing on a lackluster killer dressed in a Santa outfit who murders various secondary characters at the Scream Queens offices with a gardening fork. Barely anyone appears concerned by how sleazy and third rate they are portraying themselves as. The only possible exception being Scream Queen Debbie Rochon, whose role has the feel of a good publicity exercise. Not only is Rochon's character, Raven Quinn, portrayed as a scream queen with a heart of gold, but she is also a single mother whose life is being made a misery by her scumbag ex-husband (played by the Macca/Rambo lookalike) yet always makes herself available to even the most 'needy' of her fans. A credibility straining aspect to the film that also provides its biggest laugh. If you thought the Caroline Munro/Joe Spinell romance in Maniac was a little hard to swallow, here Rochon's character not only lets an unkempt, obviously obsessed, anti-social weirdo into her private life, but lets him babysit her kids as well !!!

I had pretty low expectations for this. On paper this seems like a typical cheap B-grade slasher-horror film. In reality it's even worse.

It is cheap and a slasher-horror but calling it B-grade would be flattery. The plot is very basic and what there is doesn't make much sense. Production values are incredibly poor. Direction is woeful: some of the scenes seem more like a slapstick comedy than a drama.

Dialogue is laughable and, allied with this, performances are poor. Worst of all is the guy who plays the slasher-murderer. So bad you'd think it is a comedy.

Nothing positive at all about this movie except than it is quite short (83 minutes) so at least the pain of watching this is over quickly.